How would you feel, am I wrong?

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

In your previous conversations when he kept saying “soon” (which – URGHHHHHH) did you ever agree upon a solid timeline? Soon could mean tomorrow, Christmas, next year or it could mean not until a milestone birthday. Not to judge but these sound like classic manchild excuses that so many other bees hear from guys that are stringing them along. I’d say you definitely have a timeline now (New Years this year) and to have an exit strategy in place if he does not propose before then. I’d mostly leave it alone – except maybe bring it up once per month to remind him of the deadline (and make it clear that waiting until 11:59 on the 31st is cruel) seeing as how an almost 40 year old man was refusing to put unstructured (it sounds like the amount is completely up to him) semi regular payments on a reasonably priced ring when he KNOWS it’s something that would make you, the love of his life, happy. I’ll watch for updates on this and hope for the best for you, bee.

Post # 3
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

That’s on really 4 and a bit months ..I would ( if your willing) tell him you love him and understand he needs the extra time ….

You don’t wanna push him away and act in a way where he doesn’t want to purpose.

Then also tell him you will wait untill new New year’s and if he doesn’t you’ll be moving on !!

Best of luck 

Post # 4
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

IME, guys who talk about engagement/marriage in the beginning typically do not follow through and set their GFs up for some major disappointment.  Which is something we see here every day.

i would try to give him a chance to propose by the end of the year and if he doesn’t, move on.

Post # 5
Member
2977 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

newyorkweddingbee :  You know he has a ring financed and he has finally given you a general timeframe. I think you need to just slow your roll and let it happen. Stop asking him every month and just enjoy being together. Two years is not a very long time to be together before marriage so I can understand his hesitation towards an immediate proposal. Give him until Nee Years and if he has still not proposed do what you have to do. 

Post # 6
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I really don’t understand why so many women get so frustrated and worked up about waiting a few months for a ring. Is it really so big of a deal that you’re willing to cause tension in your relationship to get it today instead of December? That seems so silly to me. 

Two years isn’t that long. It’s about whenost people start thinking about getting married. I get why people get frustrated after like 4 years but two? Slow down and learn some patience.

Post # 8
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

sboom :  it’s not about waiting a few months, it’s about how she’s waiting a few months AGAIN and AGAIN. It’s about him not making her a priority when she has made it very evident what she expects.  It’s about him hooking her with his show of ultimate commitment just a few months in and leading her to believe that he felt THAT strongly about her which probably hooked her even more. It’s about waiting a few months more, knowing he could have done it months before if it had been a priority, and then knowing she will feel even worse about herself if he doesn’t do it by his timeline.

Its NOT about waiting a few more months. 

Post # 9
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

Supernurse :  This x1000. Combined with increasing resentment that’s built up with what should have been able to be small exciting moments (ring shopping, picking a timeline together) that instead turned into him essentially forcing her to feel as though if she did not take the lead, that they may not have happened at all. The last thing anyone wants is to feel like their feelings are not valued enough for someone else to take initiative for a shared future for once.

Post # 10
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

newyorkweddingbee :  Also realized I never answered your question – you’re not wrong for feeling upset at all. As toxic as it can be compare to others’ situations, it’s so frustrating to see others have things that you’ve dreamed of seemingly fall into their laps while feeling like you have to fight for each bit of smaller progress.

Post # 11
Member
9532 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

sharpshooter :  

Agreed.  This is a story that gets repeated over and over on the Bee.  

He talked about wanting to marry me when we first got together.

He’s the one who always brought it up.  I don’t understand. What happened?

What happened is that the honeymoon phase ended.  Sometime between the first meeting and six to twelve months, he returned to earth.  Sometimes with a hard thud.

Guys do a lot of picture painting early on, during their infatuation phases.  It’s just what they do.  He may not even remember it.  They certainly don’t expect to be held to it.

Now that he’s dealing with the reality of living with a woman, day to day, all of the romantic illusions have been shattered—perfectly normal.

 

newyorkweddingbee :  

Stop.  Just stop pushing so hard on the ring.  He knows you want it and he’s not making moves to get it for you. His hesitation is not about a ring. That resistance is something that needs to be talked about, openly and directly.  If he’s not ready, find out what would need to happen for him to feel ready.

Post # 12
Member
823 posts
Busy bee

If you have to drive someone to a jewelry store, hand them a ring and walk away like a threat, you’re doing too much and are going to resent him even if he DOES eventually follow through. Handing him cash to pay for it isn’t going to make you feel any better; you’re still forcing all the moves and will resent it when it finally ends up on your finger.

Post # 13
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

Gosh, all I could think while reading your post is that you are doing far too much and are pushing far harder than you should or should need to.

– you asked him several times in the past year

– In April you got frustrated and told him to tell you if he was not planning on moving the relationship forward

– A month later, you walk him into a jewelry story, pick out the ring you want and basically make him buy it

– You harass him about the payments on the ring several times over the next few months,

– You finally offer to lend him the money for the rest of what’s owing on the ring, and he says NO.

I’m not judging – I just want you to see it all laid out like that so that you can hopefully see that you are doing far too much. You need to try and work out why you are doing this. Is it general fear and insecurity? Or do you worry that he is not as invested in this relationship as you would like him to be? My feeling is that it is probably the latter and you are trying to push things so as to get clarity or a resolution on where this relationship stands.

My experience with men is that you should never need to push them this hard, and that it is not a good idea. The fact that he outright refused your offer of money confirms this to me. 

My feeling is that this is a guy who is not ready or willing to propose. Not yet anyway. And pushing is just doing more damage. I also second what PPs have said about guys who talk a lot about marriage in the beginning not following through. Who the guy is at month 1, 2 or 3 is no indication of the state of the relationship 6 months or a year in.

Post # 14
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee

Have you actually had a discussion about HIS feelings? It doesn’t sound like you care about them. I agree that he doesn’t seem to want to get married, and I don’t blame him at all. You two have not been together long, and it isn’t unreasonable for him to not be ready. It IS unreasonable, though, for you to push and push without having talked to him about how he really feels. 

By the way, it’s clear that you guys haven’t truly talked about this: he obviously isn’t ready for marriage, so if a GOOD and HONEST talk had taken place, you’d already know that and we wouldn’t all need to glean it from his behavior. If that’s not good enough for you, walk away, but you can’t push someone into being emotionally ready to marry you. 

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