Post # 1
Okay, so I’m not sure of this scenario but it seems likely to occur and I want to be prepared, so I’m asking if you were in my shoes how you would feel. . . .
HYPO: My FI’s cousin (and was my close friend aside from being a cousin) wants to get married a week before or a week after my wedding in the same location (India) but maybe a different city. We are having a destination wedding in our native country (our parents are both Indian) and all our close family is flying there for the wedding. She wants to kill 2 birds with one stone essentially. How would you feel?
Background: Fiance and I got engaged 5/07 and told everyone over a year in advance that we would marry 12/08.
Cousin met her guy (met!) in 9/07 right around the time of our engagement party and got engaged a couple days ago so 3/08 (barely 6 mos guys). She is also from India and her dad lives there and she has friends/family there. For convenience sake she will want to have an Indian ceremony there and an American one in the US (church wedding). My Fiance and I are only having one Indian wedding in India. My wedding would be in different city than hers but would need to be at same 2 week time for everyone to come and not have to make multiple trips to India.
I understand the practicality argument but she didn’t even know or start dating her guy until we had already set out date!
Post # 3
If I were in your shoes, I would feel that the practicality of the situation(for your cousin) does not outweight that it is your wedding day that you have set for over a year. How does your fiance feel about it? If this situation were to happen, I think you just have to be honest about your feelings. Good luck!
Post # 4
My cousin just got engaged a few weeks ago, and I’ve been engaged for well over a year. He’s planning his wedding in another state 2 weeks after mine. I wish they hadn’t planned it so close to mine. It feels a little like they’re stealing my thunder a tad. However, I don’t care terribly because they’re getting married after me. If they got married before me, I’d have had a real issue with it.
Post # 5
If somehow you feel that people will be less likely to go to your wedding because of your cousin’s wedding, then I would be pissed off. If that isn’t the case, then I would think no big deal. Think about it – unless postpones her wedding a year, there is actually a bigger conflict, yes? If she schedules hers 6 or 8 weeks after yours, then some people are potentially going to have to decide between the two, as they won’t be able to afford two trips to India. And probably not everybody will choose yours, even if it is first. By having her wedding a week after yours, people only have to choose between the two if they can’t stay that long. And it sounds like she’s asking you if she should have it before or after, which is a nice choice to give you.
I have a cousin who is getting married exactly a month after me, and while neither wedding is a destination event, we do have family who live in the US Virgin Islands, and who are currently working in England. They will be able to come for one wedding or the other, but not both. Unfortunately for her, most seem to have decided to come to mine. Although she just sent her Save-The-Date Cards so I suppose there is still time for people to change their mind. But honestly, I think she would have done better to have hers the next weekend or even the very next day – the towns are two hours apart, it would all be done in one weekend, and while Fiance and I wouldn’t go (mini-moon weekend away) everybody else would have had a big party weekend of it!
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2006 - Rockhouse Hotel
I can understand why you feel worried that she may be stealing your thunder. But I also understand your friend’s reasoning and I think that it could work out really nicely.
And consider that there may be unexpected positives that come out of this! For example… there could be certain guests who aren’t sure whether they can afford to take the time off from work or to spend that kind of money for your wedding. But if your cousin plans her wedding within the same 2 week period, this may convince the "Maybes" to attend BOTH of your weddings.
The "kill 2 birds with 1 stone" idea your cousin has could be synergistic! I can’t guarantee that. But just don’t forget to consider the best-case scenarios along with the worst-case scenarios.
Post # 7
Like the others said before, I sympathize with you about feeling like your plans are being a bit infringed upon. But take a step back and I think you’ll find this makes perfect economical sense. 2 weddings in 2 different cities 1 week apart? There’s no toe stepping.
If she decides to have the same style custom gown made in the same color as you? Then it’s a cat fight.
My advice is to let her do her own thing, but be very careful not to share your ideas with her or let family members communicate the unique and wonderful things you have planned with her.
I think you’ll find this will actually be a very exciting month and possibly a great bonding experience for you both.
Post # 8
My cousin and I are getting married the same weekend. We have family flying in from across the country & so this way it can "kill two birds with one stone" and they wouldn’t have to chose one of our weddings to go to. I’ll be getting married on Saturday and he will marry on Sunday.
I think our situation works out best for our family this way!
Post # 9
Thanks for your thoughts. . . to clarify
There is no benefit to me for her getting married close to me (in fact I think it is kinda rude). Furthermore, there are NO guests who would go to hers over mine or would come to mine that would not come otherwise because she is getting married too. She has very little family in America. My FI’s immediate family and one aunt and uncle (who I have dibs on for a year now) are coming to my wedding. They (maybe 6-8 people max) are the ones for whom it would be more convenient.
I like the suggestion that as long as it is after mine and all my after parties its okay- the thing is Indian weddings are 3 days sometimes and I had planned ahile ago a 3-4 day trip to Goa after and on top of that Father-In-Law wants to throw a reception in his home town (also cousin’s hometown) the following weekend. So I’m not sure logistically how she would get married at the same time unless she had her wedding the Suday after (mine is 12/28/08 sunday) hers would then be bumped to Jan first week 09. Peoblem is that by 1/5/09 most of the 6-8 people will want to get back for school/work, but I guess that is not my issue but hers to discuss with the family members.
Basically my dinner/reception and her wedding would be the same weekend and the same town. Does this change anyones thoughts? please add. . . .
Post # 10
i dont think it really matters when she and her FH started dating – the issue you’re having is that you feel she is trying to horn in on "your" day??
take a step back and just relax – doesnt she have a right to get married also??
i think it makes more sense -but (understandably) you feel like it’s a personal affront to you??
Chill out and just enjoy your planning!!
Post # 11
Well, if her wedding ends up being basically the same day as your reception, that’s another story. However, I would just let her know what your (already established) plans are. Maybe she didn’t realize the scheduling of the second reception, and that’s something the two of you can work around. If her wedding and your FI’s family’s reception are the same weekend but different days, as long as they are in the same town so guests don’t have a crazy travel schedule that probably works out too.
I guess I would just try to assume that her intentions are innocent rather than not, at least until she demonstrates otherwise. That way you don’t get all upset about something that is just a misunderstanding. Because I know you have other stuff to spend your energy on, yes?
Post # 12
You are being ridiculous. You said that your FI’s cousin is also a friend – but you aren’t treating her like she’s family nor a friend! First, who cares how long they’ve been together – she’s found someone she wants to spend her life with – be happy for her. Second, it sounds like you are purposefully making this difficult for her – it doesn’t sound like your USA reception is set in stone; don’t make it more difficult. Be flexible. Marriage is about family.
If the weddings were four months apart, that would mean that you would make 2 trips to India in a year and so would your cousin and the 6-8 other people that would go to both. Who cares if only 10 people overlap between the two weddings – why not help those 10 people save a bunch of money and not make 2 trips to India. AND, if only 10 people overlap, why are you all upset with 2 weddings in a row… because you planned a 3 day trip somewhere?! A 3 day trip is more important than your family member (who is also a friend)’s wedding?!
I would suggest that you take a week to calm down and approach this situation differently. Try to remember that she is a friend and a family member – not a rival to compete with, not rain on your wedding day… if you approach this from a different angle, you may end up having a lot of fun planning a wedding with a friend.
Post # 13
I’d say no, honestly it’s your day and how can you have people focus on your day if others are worried/plainng another wedding a week later. Or worse, they do it a week before and no one makes it to yours….I mean who can really take over a week off for a wedding?
I hope she doens’t ask. I would really be irked if she did. I mean it just seems non-ettiqute to have the assumption that it might be ok. In this situation I think even asking is rude.
Hang in there – hopefully it won’t happen and you won’t have to worry about it! (I can call this one for you too….lol, take her on and take on Future Mother-In-Law too…lol)
PS – Gals in the Hive: I totally get that we all have different ideas on things, but we can offer advice with out being rude. We’re all adults here. I think that, open forum or not, we all put ourselfs out there and expect some adult advice in return not a public lynching by words. Treat others how you would want to be treated when you ask advice. Not everyones life and situation is the same, there’s bound to be differences, it’s what makes places like this great.
Post # 14
Thank you all for your replies- You brides have given me a lot of perspective and I realize now that though I may be truly disappointed about the timing of things I need to go with what is in everyone’s best interest because of the far destination.
I do like the suggestion that FI’s cousin get married after me- I’m pretty sure that will not happen because of timing (FI’s cousin’s wedding would be 1/3/09 even if it were only the weekend after mine- so technically next year) which makes me a little sad.
Post # 15
I thought she offered to do it a week before or week after? Well, if its before, then at least you get to go and do whatever you want after your wedding without worrying at all about her events, right? There’s a bright side either way, you just have to look at it carefully.
Hey, my cousin who is getting married the month after me actually copied my STD design (just changed the color is all – even the wording and spacing is the same). You just have to laugh it off. Or at least I do – I for sure can’t take her – she weighs like 100 lbs more than me. Meow.
Post # 16
I agree with Sweeney to be. While I still read weddingbee posts from time to time, I have stopped posting my own queries for advice because I’ve felt targeted by self-righteous brides who’ve given me a ‘talking to’ when asking for advice. Just because you have concerns about something doesn’t make you a bad person and I think its horrible for people to attack you for voicing your concerns especially when they are NOT you and NOT in your situation and don’t know all the details.
You have every right to be feeling whatever you want to feel and I think the act of asking for advice is a very valid endeavor because at least you’re considering the implications of how you feel versus just being upset. I’m personally not the nicest girl in the world but that also means that I don’t sit on some moral high horse and try to tell other people what they feel is wrong.
Do what you can within reason and my opinion is to tell her everything you are feeling and see what she says. You might be surprised at her answer!