Post # 1
A guy you had just started dating was going through your phone and messages AND discussing some rather intimate details about you with someone you hadn’t met?
I think I’ll preface this with the fact that I am the unknown person, and the man doing the discussing is a very old and close friend of mine.
So we go out for lunch, he starts laying out all kinds of things I never want to know about this person looking for support because he’s frustrated with how “things” are going…I offer support but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, ” I would be mortified if I were this person and I knew he was revealing all of this stuff to someone else!” THEN he tells me he’s been checking the phone and text messages, just to see…SEE WHAT?
I love my friend intensely and without limit, that’s a fact, but I’m horrified to meet his new love interest knowing what I know, and I tried to tell him that I wasn’t comfortable having this discussion and it should really happen between the two of them, but he said he’s already tried that and needs to talk it out….
Am I boned on this one?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
The going through phone texts and messages thing is pretty weird and I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.. but I would not fault someone for discussing our relationship with their friend, especially if that friend is very close… I think that’s part of what friendship is, is dishing with each other about problems and what else may have you. He may think you have more insight on the more intimate details because you are female?
Post # 4
@Nona99: Yikes! I understand your discomfort completely. I have a male co-worker “friend” who insists at times telling me way more than I ever want to know about his dates, the difference is my male “friend” is neither close to me or an old friend, he’s only a co-worker in my eyes.
But the way I see it is sometimes guys just need female input and they trust us, like sisters maybe, to provide it about other women. I don’t like it at all when it happens and I usually hold up my hand and say, “Eeww, Joey, Too Much Information, good Lord, stop now! And get out of my office so I can get back to work.” He still comes by and tries again at another time, lol.
Guys are clueless! I’m sure you were too befuddled and taken off guard to tell him to stop, since he really is your old and close friend (not just a co-worker like in my case) but if he does it again I’d tell him to please back off. And to back off of her! He’s acting like a crazy person, lol. He must really like her. 😉 DOH!!
Tell him he’s doing everything completely wrong and whatever his gut feeling is about how to behave with her, to immediately do the opposite.
Post # 5
Mortified and pissed. If you are uncomfortable with this then your friend needs to vent elsewhere.
Post # 6
I would be pissed. First he’s invading my privacy by searching through my phone, not ok. Second, he’s spilling all the gory details about our relationship issues before I even have a chance to meet these people, talk about automatically giving your friends a biased opinion on someone you want them to like.
Post # 7
I guess I just don’t care about stuff like that. If a person is a close friend, they can pretty much tell me anything (as long as they didn’t murder someone or something equally drastic) and I won’t judge. I’d probably throw out there that going through someone’s phone is kind of crazy but I wouldn’t shut down the conversation or anything.
Post # 8
@elysion: Well, he and I are so close because years and years ago we had a very passionate and intense relationship, it fizzled because of some very fundamental personal differences, but we’re still amazing friends and my husband is a HUGE supporter of that and this new person in my friend’s life is aware of this and accepting it. I think his openness about their intimate relationship stems from the very successful and passionate one we had, he feels badly because she’s not….crossing the finish line with him?
Post # 9
This is a tough situation.
While you of course want to be there for your friend there is a limit of what we can file away and not let affect our opinions of people. Honestly I don’t think there is a great solution other than being open with your friend. If they don’t know whether something is true or not perhaps they shouldn’t communicate it.
I have a friend that about a year ago opened up to the group telling us that her Darling Husband verbally abused her and hinted that he may have at one time hit her. She was really upset. Months later she avoid the topic altogether, acts like WE are the crazy ones and they are talking about having another child. She insists that we all hang out and be friend despite what we know and the fact that he is incredibly insecure around outgoing and secure women and lashes out at us. Unfortunately what she revealed to us only opened the door to our bias and we want nothing to do with him. 🙁
Post # 10
@Nona99: Been there. My former used to bombard me with all these intimate details about his relationship with his (hold your breath) WIFE! All the ways in which she doesn’t measure up to what he and I used to have. I felt really uncomfortable no matter how close I was to him. So I politely but firmly asked him to drop the topic. You are not alone…