How would you handle this sticky in-law situation?

posted 4 months ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee

I also think your and your husband’s reaction is way over the top. She may be having trouble getting pregnant or has suffered a miscarriage (or even multiple). It is way more common than people realize. I would approach this with kindness instead of vitriol. 

Post # 18
Member
2033 posts
Buzzing bee

Other people’s pregnancies can be a painful topic for people for a lot of reasons, that I think go beyond a petty jealousy whether it is infertility or inability to have a child yet because of finances, space, where you are in your relationship, etc.  If she isn’t comfortable talking about your pregnancy just talk about it to someone who is. 

The siblings/family also just might not be that interested.  Before I had a baby myself I honestly didn’t think to ask a pregnant woman how she is feeling or all sorts of questions, I didn’t know much about pregnancy or babies and didn’t have much to say on the topic.  It’s not that I absolutely didn’t care but sort of similar to how I don’t have much interest in baseball for example.  

Post # 19
Member
512 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I agree with other posters-  choose a different audience to share your updates and news with. When we got pregnant with our first (accidentally at that), several of our friends were dealing with infertility and other baby- related issues. While they didn’t mean to be aloof about our excitement, it was hard for them. I had to retool my thinking and just shared my excitement with others and let them bring it up as they were ready.  Also- as someone who is pregnant with my third- don’t let your hormones get the best of you. I hope she comes around and proves to be a wonderful aunt. Congratulations!

Post # 20
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

codepurple89 :  it’s understandable that your feelings are hurt. But just move on and don’t take it personal. Try to limit the baby talk around her out of respect for her feelings. This is a no brainer to me. You’re entitled to your feelings and she’s entitled to hers. You never know what she might be going through, TTC/miscarriage as I mentioned or otherwise.

Post # 21
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee

Lol. And some people on another thread are trying to say that what you say when you’re drunk isn’t the truth. Sure…

codepurple89 :  I’m not making light of your situation. I can see it would be kind of a bummer, you want people to be excited for you. But your Mother-In-Law wants to keep the peace and I can’t say I blame her. Just talk to your family and friends. Pretty soon it will be a moit point. Your belly will get in the room 5 minutes earlier than the rest of your body and do all the talking by itself.

Post # 22
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee

p.s. just looked at your posting history. My guess is your Mother-In-Law is endlessly going on and on about your pregnancy and her future grandchild (same with your wedding and house), and your SIL asked her to calm down. If your SIL had a loss, she probably has not shared that with your Mother-In-Law. Again, lead with kindness.

Post # 24
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

codepurple89 :  Honestly your Mother-In-Law sounds like the issue here, not you, and not even SIL. She sounds like a bored woman who just enjoys shit stirring. I’d just roll your eyes and move right on with your day lol – this sounds like much ado about  nothing. 

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Post # 25
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Your Mother-In-Law sounds like a psychopath based on your previous post and this one, so I would take what she’s telling you with a grain of salt. 

Post # 26
Member
2033 posts
Buzzing bee

Your update still basically goes along with what everyone is saying.  She’s probably aching for her own baby and its hard to hear about yours whether you want to classify it as jealousy or not it doesn’t mean that she isn’t feeling some hurt regarding your pregnancy.  

Notably it took me two years and IVF to concieve so I’m on the extra sympathetic to people who want a baby and can’t have one side.  Even though I now have a baby I still cried with mixed emotions of happy and sad when I found out my brother and his wife are pregnant with their second because I know I likely will not be able to have a second.

Post # 27
Member
3741 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I see both sides. I think it’s unfair to ask you to essentially mask your excitement and walk on eggshells around her because she can’t process her own feelings of insecurity & jealousy (she did this with your wedding and house purchases, so even IF she’s having fertility issues, this is a common theme with SIL). I don’t think this is your cross to bear & I dont think you should have to dance around certain topics because someone else is jealous. If you want to, you can skip pregnancy conversation when she’s around just in case she is struggling with infertility and talk to Mother-In-Law about it when SIL isnt there.

I would be really offended that there was a discussion behind your back AND Mother-In-Law agreed to not engage in pregnancy conversations instead of someone just coming to you or your husband and saying “SIL is really struggling, would you mind not bringing it up around her?”. It’s not like she would have had to justify herself and spill that she was having fertility issues or anything. But if you have an issue with something, the adult thing to do is discuss it with the person, not make a plan with someone else to shut down discussions of it!

Maybe you or your husband can have a conversation with her about how you really feel for her and you’re sorry shes hurting, but you wish she would have come to you instead of making it awkward for everyone. 

Or you could just leave it all alone, assume she has a valid reason for this request and its too touchy for her to discuss with anyone else and avoid the topic around her. 

ETA – After your update, I think this is a Mother-In-Law problem, not SIL problem. I’d take her with a grain of salt and limit the time you spend with Mother-In-Law when she’s been drinking… 

Post # 28
Member
8833 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

codepurple89 :  If what you’re posting is accurate, these people seem kind of unpleasant or maybe just not compatible in a “hey, let’s hang out” type of way. Why do you see them twice a week? Rather than wondering about their motivations or worrying about their behavior, I would just change my behavior to see them less often. Seems easier.

Post # 29
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I would just distance yourself. Mother-In-Law sounds a bit like a pot stirrer and SIL kind of sounds spoiled from what you’ve said of your/her history. (Of course there could be another side of the story but without them sharing that with you.. you really only have your own perspective to go on). It sounds like you have been barred from talking about all the big changes in your life because of her and that is poop. I would probably get to a point where I just wouldn’t talk to them about important stuff. 

It might end up being nice near the end of your pregnancy having people who won’t talk about the baby with you. I have talked to 2 different people recently who said its the only thing people will talk about with them now and they miss having other conversations.

And she will need to get over her “jealousy” (if that is all it is) because its happening… a baby is going to happen regardless of if they talk about it or not. 

I get why you feel the way you feel. It is hard not being able to talk about something like this with family. And if it was a pain point issue, she should of had someone talk to you about it and not left you in the dark wondering why people were blank walling you. 

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