How would you handle this sticky in-law situation?

posted 1 month ago in Pregnancy
Post # 31
Member
7906 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

codepurple89 :  I’m way reading between the lines, but I almost wonder if Mother-In-Law was talking about it constantly so your SIL asked HER to stfu, and because Mother-In-Law cannot process criticism of her own behavior, she’s flipped it around like yall are the bad guys who need to stop blabbing about it.

Post # 32
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

codepurple89 :  Yeah, absolutely. I can totally see that. “SHHHH, there’s a big secret that everyone else knows that directly affects you but you cant know…”Crap like that just makes me want to yell ‘grow up and have an adult conversation with me then!’

Post # 33
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

I think your SIL tried to handle it as best as she could, by privately sharing her hurt with her own mother and asking for her help in discretely steering the conversation away from a touchy subject. The fact that Mother-In-Law went and blabbed while drunk is another story…

If I were upset about something – difficulty TTC, miscarriages, even just jealousy or anxiety that my life isn’t where I want it to be by now (think of how many posts on the Bee are about the pain of waiting, trouble TTC, feeling like others are rubbing their happiness in your face, and other fraught emotional topics like that) – I would want to be able to talk to my mom about it.

I think you’re taking it a bit too personally. Even if it’s just jealousy, that’s still your SIL’s problem and not yours. Be gracious and don’t shut them out of baby’s life over this. To me it sounds like a painful subject for SIL that was not handled in an ideal manner, but no malice was intended towards you or Darling Husband or baby.

Post # 34
Member
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Er, OP, I really hope I misunderstood you when you said you were hoping it’s something else rather than jealousy? With everyone drawing your attention to how hard it is to deal with fertility struggles etc I hope you’d agree that a bit of childish jealousy is much preferable than wishing someone is dealing with infertility. Anyway,  is your SIL behaving a bit immaturely? Yeah probably. It can be hard for some people to be gracious when someone else gets everything they want before that person. Sure we should all be above that, but maybe she just let something slip to Mother-In-Law in a moment of weakness. Could your Mother-In-Law have behaved better? For sure. She dealt with a hard situation in a bad way amd made it worse. Very tactless and unnecessary. Hopefully you can rise above and be the gracious one in this scenario. Maybe have some compassion for your SIL – some people feel internal/social pressure to have everything done by a certain time, and they don’t have the emotional maturity to realise (yet) that she should seek internal validation of how her lofe is actually going (as opposed to how it should be going). I hope she’ll grow to be an amazing aunt. All the best wirh your pregnancy!

Post # 35
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It’s kind of like when Roseanne blamed ambien for her racist rant. Ambien doesn’t make you racist, ambien lowers your inhibitions and your inner racist gets set free

Your mil is just more dramatic when she drinks wine. I think it would be good to distance yourself when you get upset

I do that with my bil, I take breaks when I get upset and frustrated, it’s like hitting a reset button and I can be around him again without feeling pissy

Post # 37
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I don’t understand why this is such an issue? 

So SIL didn’t feel comfortable confiding in you and your SO that she’s feeling ‘behind’ in her life and seeing you where she wants to be is difficult – that doesn’t feel like a conversation I’d be comfortable having directly with my in-laws either?? 

Even if SIL isn’t having infertility, she clearly really WANTS to be at your stage and is feeling like she’s ‘off-schedule’ in life. Sure, that’s not the healthiest way to go through life, but it’s clearly emotionally challenging for her.

So just limit baby talk. If you get asked direct questions, answer them – but don’t just offer up information at random.

I don’t have any siblings hurting but this is generally my go-to practice anyhow with friends and family, except for my parents and my one pregnant sister. I KNOW that they like to talk about it so I offer up information so they don’t feel like they’re always hounding me. Everyone else, I zip it up unless asked. 

Post # 39
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

codepurple89 :  I don’t think you have anything to apologize for though, you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just that now you know, so you keep it in mind going forward

Post # 41
Member
8724 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

codepurple89 :  How is that the right thing though? That seems more like the dramatic thing. Just stop talking baby around them. It’s not a big deal.

Post # 42
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

codepurple89 :  you inadvertently hurt her, and you also have to remember that this is coming from your dramatic mil

Don’t be so hard on yourself bee

Post # 43
Member
2418 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you are justified in being hurt & upset. SIL is being a bit ridiculous & very rude. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with her jealous nature. Definitely sucky for you. Some people are just like that & they aren’t “safe” people. I would distance myself, permanently if I were you. It’s not going to stop. She’ll be forever comparing her life to yours. She’ll likely try to engender competition between your children & hers, as well. 

Post # 44
Member
2955 posts
Sugar bee

No need to apologize. That will just make it a thing. Just be cognizant of when you discuss all things baby going forward. And be careful what you tell your gabby Mother-In-Law.

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