Post # 1
Two of our friends have been together on-and-off-again for about four years. We’ve spent a lot of time with them as a couple (both FH and the guy were roommates and bandmates). We’re definitely closer to the guy but both are friends, and we all were friends equally before they started dating.
The guy is an “honorary” groomsman. He’s not standing up with us because he’s playing the ceremony music, so he’s an integral part of our day. There’s been a lot of drama between them that we’ve been caught in the middle of for the last 4 years and really don’t want it showing up on our wedding day…and we really need the guy on his A-game if he’s playing the ceremony.
I know etiquette typically dictates they both get invites, but what would you do in this situation?
PS – We’re pretty sure the break-up is for real this time and no chance of reconciling by our wedding. It’s been 4 months. He just moved out, started a new lease, and asked if he could bring a plus one. All of our bridal party gets a plus one, so he’ll likely be bringing a new girl as well.
Post # 2
Give them both plus ones and expect them to act like adults.
Post # 3
bumbledore : I’m assuming she already got a save the date from when they were together? If so invite them both with plus ones and trust them to act like adults. If not, and you aren’t interested in continuing a friendship with her, then just invite him and not her.
Post # 4
If you are friends with the ex, then invite her.
Post # 5
Invite them both with plus ones and seat them at different tables. It’s your wedding day, so hopefully they will put asisde the drama and let you have your big day without any incidence. If they are mature enough, they will just avoid each other and be respectful.
Post # 6
Three options, because nothing about a breakup is pretty, and sometimes you have to balance chance of drama against etiquette and let etiquette sail off into the sunset:
1) Invite both, and give each a plus one. There will be the potential for drama.
2) Invite both, but decline to give either of them a plus one, given the situation. Slightly less potential for drama.
3) Un-invite the woman in this equation. Be aware that your friendship will likely end as a result. However, there will likely not be drama on your wedding day.
Post # 7
bumbledore : I would send them both an invite still, maybe she will bow out gracefully knowing that he is absolutely going and you guys are closer
but if she comes, just sit them at different tables.
Post # 8
Do they both have other friends who will be attending? If so, I’d invite both without plus ones and seat them at different tables. If it’s only been four months since their breakup, it’s not like he’s been with someone new for a year (hopefully) and you’d be insulting a longterm relationship by not inviting a partner. I feel like it would minimize the potential for drama if neither of them shows up with a new flame.
Post # 9
This is not an immediate answer to your question, but personally, I would do all or no plus ones for all single guests. Bridal party are simply guests with an honor, not a privileged classification. Appreciation for all they may have done should, in my opinion be a separate thing if it comes at the expense of how guests in the same relationship categories are treated at the reception. Bottom line, I don’t agree with plus ones for the bridal party if you are not giving them to other friends and family members as well.
Getting back to your situation, I would invite all guests with dates or none and seat them as far apart from one another as feasible. Your female friend may decide not to attend if she’s uncomfortable, but it would be her choice.
Post # 10
If you are going to continue a friendship with the woman, then invite her. If you don’t plan on it or don’t care, then just invite him, but just know that it will be your signal of which “side” you have chosen. I would allow them both to bring dates if you end up inviting them both, it will make them feel more comfortable hopefully.
Post # 11
Thanks, everyone! You’ve given so many good options for us to think about. I really appreciate your advice <3.
Just to address the plus one thing since it’s been brought up a lot: We feel that, for all that a bridal party does to support you on their wedding day (+ our guy friend half of the couple is playing for FREE), they should get a plus one regardless. May be right or wrong but we feel it’s a nice thing to do.
Practically our entire guest list has been offered a plus one. The exception was a group of habitually single friends, aunts, cousins, etc. They all know a bunch of other guests so no one is truly “alone.” Two of them have since asked if they could bring someone, we said absolutely yes in both cases…we’re just not giving them out like candy. We’re not cheap – money isn’t the issue with plus ones. Our venue can hold them too. Issue is our caterer. We’ve exceeded our caterer’s cap and they had the highest cap of anyone avaialble on our date…so unfortunately we have to be somewhat careful with plus one’s :-(.
Post # 12
If you can’t trust them to be mature and calm (and I’m assuming you can’t, hence your post) I would invite them but without plus ones, I feel like the sight of each other with new partners may stir up additional drama.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!
bumbledore : In that case, if you’ve exceeded the cap and already sent out invites, you have a good reason to not send out plus ones. Don’t give her one at all, and tell him if you have a bunch of drop outs or No RSVPs, then he can have a plus one. Or just tell him it’s too late, and you don’t have space (it’s true).