(Closed) How would you NOT invite your father?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Would he get the hint if you just didn’t send an invite?  Obvious answer but not fully sure of the contact you have or if he found out when your wedding is and would show up anyways.

Post # 5
Member
1267 posts
Bumble bee

Could you write a letter?  It’s so much easier for people that are non-confrontational, I think.  Also, could you ask everyone invited to NOT share venue or date with him?

Post # 6
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

You could send him an email or note and explain that you think it best for him not to come. You don’t have to get into specifics with him but something like:

Dad,

As you know I am getting married soon. I’ve thought very long and hard about this and have decided that for a variety of reasons, I think it would be best if you didn’t come to the wedding. This is a very personal choice and I hope you understand why I’ve come to it and respect it. If you’re open to seeing me and discussing our relationship and future relationship we can do so, but I don’t think the wedding with all that is going on is the best place to do it. I hope you understand.

Best,

 

Or you could do what I did.

Dad,

I’ve come to the conclusion that I want my grandmother to walk me down the aisle….

and finish with the rest of the email above.

He’s not coming to my wedding so problem solved!

Post # 9
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

Just don’t send an invite or mention anything about the wedding. I also have a similar type of relationship with my “Father” and I use the term loosely. I invited mine and totally regret it. I was estranged from him since high school, before that he was a once a year dad, you know the type, who I think today still has in his head that I “owe” him something bc he donated DNA and did nothing else. I had no intention of inviting him. Last minute, literally the week of, I started thinking perhaps I should invite him, more so to be nice, even though he didn’t deserve it, and use it as an opening to get to know him better and see if he’s changed any. I did, he came and partied like it was 1999. My grandfather, who raised me like a daughter, supported me emotionally and financially all the way up the line and is “my father” in every way, walked me down the aisle and gave me away. Anyway, I am no longer in contact with him since after spending a few months after the wedding talking over the phone, as you can see he was “really” trying to mend a relationship he destroyed with his child lol, he was still the same selfish person who was not genuinely sorry for anything he did. I can say at the end of the day, I gave him a chance to get to know me and even have a friendship type relationship, since that’s all I could ever have with him, but I honestly don’t feel bad for deciding to stop answering his calls. No one was expecting me to invite him, so I don’t think it would be a surprise to anyone that knows me personally to know that we no longer talk. I’m also pregnant and unfortunately will not allow some half as$ like him to become “Grandpa” to my child. He didn’t earn that. I would think about it long and hard. At the end of the day, you could do the nice thing and extend the invite, even if he don’t deserve it. You will be so busy greeting guests, taking pictures and having a good time, you won’t have to spend too much one on one time with him. Do not have him walk you down the aisle as he didn’t earn the right. It’s your day.

Post # 10
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

OMG! I wish they had a >like< button like they do on FB for the posts you like.

the email one is very adult and non-confrontational.  Your grandfather has EARNED the right to walk you down the aisle.  So let it be:)

you are fabulous.  If you do not want him there, then he shouldn’t be there.  or perhaps you wouldn’t mind if he comes as a guest… and by guest I mean GUEST not a relative.  Which means he will sit with the guests and be a guest. 

Do you think he would be okay with that?  Perhaps you could even create ONE invitation just for them, saying something like “we would like for you to be a guest at our wedding, etc… etc… etc…” 

make sense.

(suddenly I am glad I have been married for so long and am just planning a renewal!)

((hugs))

Ronney

Post # 11
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012 - Adrianna Hill Grand Ballroom

I agree with @RonneyKay, we need a like button!

I feel like you and I have a few things in common @Jen4414. My father has been pretty absent too and the most difficult decision in my life was cutting him out of it in order to protect myself and my family about 3 1/2 years ago. I hate confrontation too, so I definitely empathize. I had one very long conversation with him where I was going to tell him all about my reasons for colsing the door on our relationship. He of course turned it around and tried to make me see how wrong I was and how things were all my fault (as he usually does.) I eventually wrote him a letter and that was that.

My point is just that if we are anything alike, a letter might be the best thing for confronting your father so that you’ll get to say everything you need to say without any interruptions or manipulation of your words. If they are down on paper, he can’t twist them. The other posters had really good suggestions too. I hope everything goes well!

Post # 12
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Jen4414:I vote no invitation. If he asks about the invite I will let him know that we are already at capacity for the guest list. Sorry.

Post # 13
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My Dad has been there for me my whole life, but once he married my step mom, he started choosing her over me. He chose his new family over his old and that’s something I just can’t get over. My Dad is coming to my wedding, but he may or may not be walking me down the aisle. At the very least, he is sharing the honor with my stepdad, who has been there with me through everything and integrated me into his family flawlessly.

Post # 14
Hostess
11258 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Jen4414: I have a very similar situation and I felt relieved reading your post that i’m not the only one with this problem. My parents divorced when I was like 4 and my Grandad was like my Dad. I don’t have a bond to my Dad. I feel guilty about our relationship but he doesn’t pick up the phone just to see how my week has been, it only tends to be becasue of birthdays etc, and that’s how it’s always been so I do think he’s toblame too, but of course he wouldn’t see that, he thinks our relationship is a given just because i’m his daughter. So sorry no advice i’m afraid, as I don’t know what to do either {{aargh}}

Post # 15
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2012

So glad that I’m not the only one either!  This was a very upsetting thing for me to deal with as I’ve made the choice that having my dad in my life was more of a problem than a nice thing.  I really struggled with how to tell him that I’m engaged and that I wouldn’t want him at the wedding.  Honestly, if you don’t currently have much of a relationship with him (i.e. not talked or received a card in a year or more) then don’t feel obligated to a) let him know your engaged, unless you find it really important to tell him, b) tell him when your wedding is.  I know that he might call me at some distant future and I’ll have to tell him that I’ve gotten married but I feel more comfortable not having to make the awkward phone call that would leave me more upset than settled.  I’m having my mom walk me down the aisle and I don’t feel like I’m missing out!

Post # 16
Hostess
11258 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@runnerbee: I’m having my Mum walk me down the aisle too 😉

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