Post # 1
I recently lost someone very close to me after an illness. I attended the services, and now that I’m back and settling back into normal life, I realized that my inlaws never called. I got a text message that said “sorry for your loss” the night it happened, and that was it. I told DH how much this hurt me, that I didn’t even warrant a phone call from his parents after a big loss, and he didn’t know what to say. Would you be hurt by this? Would you say something?
I guess I want reassurance that my hurt feelings over this are warranted, and not just because I’m an emotional mess following the death of a loved one.
Post # 2
Are you pretty close to your in-laws? How long have you guys been married? Do you usually call one another?
I don’t think I would be offended if something like that happened to me and my in-laws didn’t call specifically. We aren’t super phone people. Usually we talk when one of them happens to be talking to my husband. I would probably say something to my husband, but not to them. That’s my protocol for when I am hurt by something they do. He knows them better than I do, so he’s better able to tell what their intentions were, and if it would be useful for me to talk to them about it, or if I should just let it go. I know you said you’re husband didn’t know what to say. With time to reflect has he had any thoughts?
I think you have every right to your feelings, all feelings are valid, they’re just how you feel. But, I would try not to hold it against your in-laws and let it hurt your relationship with them. They probably didn’t know what was best to do, thought that their text would let you know they cared while giving you space. I don’t think they meant to hurt you, their hearts were in the right place.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you find comfort during this difficult time.
Post # 3
First off I am deeply sorry for your loss!
Yes I would definitely be hurt but that it just my personality and obviously yours too. The thing is we often put expectations on people to react in ways we want them too but this rarely happens. There was a massive fight between my family and my FI’s family recently and some nasty things were said about me by my FI’s family. Instead of picking up the phone to apologise for what they said I simply got a text message. This obviously hurt me.
A close friend of mine explained to me that you havbe to accept what people do give you as an effort of sincerity. I am positive your inlaws didn’t set out to upset you with a text message but they did make an effort. It just wasnt the effort you had hoped for and you have to remember that people don’t know your expectations of them unless you tell them.
Maybe they figured you wouldn’t be in the mood for talking about it and just wanted to let you know that their thoughts are with you. My suggestion would be to get DH to subtly tell them “it would be nice if you gave “MrsSheldonCooper” a call in the next couple of days, I know it would mean alot to her and make her feel better”
That way you aren’t telling them you are upset with them for not calling but at the same time letting them know that you are ok with them calling when devestating things happen in your life.
Post # 4
Maybe I’m less emotional or more introverted, but I wouldn’t consider their lack of calling an offensive gesture. They did reach out to you by text message. Not everyone knows someone else responds to death or other big events. A different person might interpret a phone call as intrusive. It all just depends.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Post # 5
I am so sorry for your loss first of all..
some people don’t know the appropriate ways to comfort someone, as they are unsure of how the person will accept the gesture.
my FI’s dad texted him telling him his grandma died, to my family that would be considered so rude, but that’s the way that his family communicates best. I was deeply offended to recieve the news in that form (his grandma was very close to me) but Fiance wasn’t phased at all and didn’t expect to recieve it any other way.
We all communicate differently, maybe that’s just how they do things.
Post # 6
They might just be trying to give you space while you grieve. Many people who lose a loved one feel overwhelmed and pressure by all the “I’m sorry for your loss” calls and visits. They probably just think a text message is a no-pressure way of letting you know they’re thinking of you while trying not to bother you.
I hope you feel better soon!
Post # 7
I can’t imagine my in laws not calling if God forbid something like that happened to a close family member of an in-law child. If I were your H I would have clued them in by now. I’m very sorry for your loss.
Post # 8
People support their loved ones different ways. I think you are angry over your loved one’s death —- a natural and normal stage of the grieving process– and looking for an outlet. Your in-laws have done nothing wrong. Focus on healing and try not to be hurt over what most likely is just different people with different emotional styles.
Post # 9
Not to sound rude but no one owes you condolences. Why would you expect them to say something?
I am really sorry for your loss, though. 💐
Post # 10
Some people just don’t know the appropriate way to act in these situations. I know I often just don’t know what to do. Are you close with your in-laws?
I’d chalk it up to them not knowing the approriate thing and I’d assume that their good thoughts are with you.
Post # 11
I think the diversity among the responses here shows how differently people respond to these situations.
Of course you are allowed to be hurt by this situation if it doesn’t sit in line with your hopes and expectations for how you see your family relationships. The important factor to remember here though is that there is a big difference between feeling hurt, and your ILs having done something to hurt you. It is more than likely that they have the best of intentions but handle these situations in a different way.
I’m sorry for your loss and hope that next time you see your ILs you get the warm response and acknowledgement in person that you are looking for.
Post # 12
Grief, how each person handles grief, and how people approach their loved ones who are grieving are all such personal things. I totally agree with PPs that your in-laws probably did what they thought made sense in the situation. If it didn’t and you were upset about it, that’s a shame, but I wouldn’t assume they were cold-hearted.
When I grieve, I want people to act like nothing happened and just leave me alone. I don’t want them to ask me how I’m feeling, tell me they’re sorry, or see if I want to talk. It just makes me feel worse and it’s like rubbing salt in my wounds. So I would have loved your in-laws approach to the matter. If they called me, I would have ignored it.
I also agree with PPs that you are angry at the world right now (and justifiably so). But please don’t take it out on the in-laws and give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Post # 13
I’m not fond of my Future Mother-In-Law so the less I hear from her, the better!
But I totally understand OP. If you are close with them they just may be unsure of what to say or do. I would give them the benefit of the doubt on it, honestly. If it really means a lot to you I would suggest having your H let them know you would appreciate some additional support.
Post # 14
I’m an overly sensitive person and I am pretty much constantly hurt by my in-laws lack of interest or care towards me. However, I wouldn’t be seriously offended in this situation if it were me.
Actually it was me. My grandpa died a few months ago after a horrible fight with cancer. It was grisly. Never heard a word. Then again DH hasn’t seen them in four years so…
Try not to be too upset over it. Especially if you aren’t super duper close. They may just be trying to give you space to grieve privately. I’ve experienced a lot of death and loss and everyone reacts differently every single time. And no one knows what to say. So maybe they have just decided to not say anything. After all, words often just make such worse.
I’m sorry for your loss but try not to be too upset with them.
Post # 15
Sorry for your lose. People react differently when someone passes away, they could have a reason not to call. For example wanting to give you your space but still letting you know they’re there for you Through their text message.
If you are not close to them that could be also another reason they did not call. Focus on helping yourself go through the processes of grieving. Best wishes!