(Closed) How would you react to this?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also think $50 is pretty appropriate for a shower, when she’s likely going to turn around and give you another gift again in a few months for the wedding.

Oh and hell if you can’t use the $50 because it’s so cheap, I’ll be happy to put it to good use – PM me I’ll give you an address you can send it.

Usually when I don’t cash people’s checks it’s because they didn’t need to give me the $ in the first place, not because they didn’t give me enough.  


Post # 79
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@mamadingdong:  I remember OP from her peanut allergy posting.

Ohhhhhh this all makes a lot more sense now!

Post # 80
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t think you are playing the advocate in this scenario…

Post # 81
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You send her a thank you note for her gift and for her attending your shower.

You do not act like a spoiled brat because their gift wasn’t good enough in your eyes, or because your aunt didn’t dress how you think she should have, or because she was late without a reason you deem valid.

Post # 82
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

Just appreciate all the people at your shower who gave you exactly what your little princess heart desired and forget about your aunt. You’re being so selfish and petty. You actually want to univite someone to your wedding because they gave you a gift of $50? You need to get off the high horse.

Post # 83
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

My Mom, Step-mom, and “un-official”-Godmother were almost an hour late to my shower- there was confusion about the time and where/when to meet. And guess what? Everybody got a wedding invite. 🙂

Personally, I think $50 is a very generous shower gift. We received wedding gifts from a number of couples in that amount- some that were less. Am I holding it against people? No…one couple will probably be engaged within the year, and what they gave would not affect our gift (ours will probably be triple what they gave.)

When I was in my 20s, I was living paycheck to paycheck, and a couple of times carried balances on my credit cards. So if I had been invited to a family shower, I can easily see my Mom doing the same thing- a “shared” gift. If I don’t go to a wedding shower, I don’t send a gift (include more at the wedding.)

So, I think you should accept this generous gift with grace and thanks.

Post # 84
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

How would I react?  I would send her a thank you note and be very gracious. 

Post # 85
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP if this is how you react over guest behavior that is not to your personal expectations at the shower, you need to really prepare yourself for a LOT of disappointment over your wedding day.

Some people will not dress the way you want them to.  Maybe no one turns up in jeans (or maybe they do– who knows) but someone may be dressed too showily, someone may wear a color or outfit that looks weird in photos, and (gasp) another woman may turn up in white.

Some guests might only give you a card and no gift. Some guests might not buy from your registry. And some guests might not even give you a card or give you a very inexpensive gift or a very small sum of money, and yes they might put three names on their card.

Some people might RSVP no right off the bat, some people will need to be chased for their RSVP’s, and there’s a good chance that someone RSVP’s yes and doesn’t show up. And that person might have a really good reason (death in the family, serious illness), a lousy reason (forgot), or no reason at all.

You can either accept these facts: no one is as into your wedding as you are; an invitiation is not a summons; there is no requirement to give a gift and, while gifts are indeed customary in many social circles, it’s not an admission ticket; people have all sorts of reasons why they may choose to spend less (or nothing) on your gift than they do on themselves; and some people do not even realize how common gifting is.  Or you can go into your day with false expectations, guaranteeing you’ll be bitter and disappointed, possibly to the point of damaging relationships past repair.  You cannot control what other people do; you can only control your reactions.

Post # 87
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would follow your own adivce. Treat your aunt as you would want to be treated.

    1. Give her the benefit of the doubt as to her tardiness – can you honestly say that you have never been late to a family function or social gathering?
    2. Don’t get judgemental about what she chooses to wear – I’m sure there are times when you have dressed in ways that others would not think was best but beyond egregious mistakes in fashion (and no, jeans at a shower does not count) then you keep your thoughts to yourself.
    3. Be grateful for the gift that she gave you and write a thank you note. A gift is a gift. Don’t get petty about the amount. And many people prefer cash, so she probably thought she was doing you a favor by giving cash.
    4. And absolutely invite her to the wedding.
    5. Take a serious chill before the wedding, because things inevitably don’t go according to plans and you need to be able to roll with the punches without damaging long term relationships and ruining what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. And realize that nobody else cares about this nearly as much as you do so don’t get offended if people aren’t falling over themselves to make a big deal about your wedding stuff.


    Post # 88
    9916 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @hummingbird2627:  How old are you?


    Anyway, I think you need to cut your aunt some slack.  My parents STILL give gifts from me when I don’t know the people well.  They just write my name on cards and I don’t even know it.  So…I wouldn’t stress out about your cousins.  They may not even know their mom put their names on the card.  


    Also, you keep saying you follow the idea of treating people how you’d like to be treated.  So…treat your aunt nicely, because I’m sure that’s what you’d want.  Retaliating in anyway for this perceived slight is childish — and it goes against what you’re saying your philosophy is.

    Post # 89
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @hummingbird2627:  Unless the bridal shower invite specified a certain type of dress, you can’t be upset at how she was clothed.  I’ve only ever been to casual bridal showers where the guests weren’t requested or required to dress a certain way.  Regardless of that, I’d still value a person’s presence over their choice of clothing, but that’s just me  =o)  I work in a profession where I see lives taken away without a moment’s notice, so I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror everyday if I treated lives so carelessly and acted so harshly as to judge what they wear, what time they show up, and how much money they gave.

    I personally prefer money as a gift and if you check threads about registries on these boards, you’ll see that cash/checks are actually the preferred gift of majority of the women on here.  I’m very sorry that your Aunt didn’t read your mind and get you a different gift, but the nerve of that woman, she got you something that she thought you could make good use of: money.  

    It’s ironic that you prattle on about treating people as you’d like to be treated… you should have a look back in your life and see how you’ve been treating others.  Perhaps if this was an intentional slight, it’s due to your ungrateful attitude toward the generosity of others.  Kind of like how children get coal from Santa when they’re naughty throughout the year.  Like I said, if you go on to give these women $17 in the future out of spite, then you’re breeding your own bad karma and the only person you can complain to is yourself.  If you want to change the dynamic, then treat them BETTER than you would like to be treated and be gracious toward them.  Abundance will come back tenfold.


    Post # 90
    3657 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2000

    @hummingbird2627:  Wow, you have a lot of expectations. Other than being late for the party with no apology, I don’t see anything wrong here.

    I suspect that a lot of people won’t be meeting your standards and in the end, that will make you unhappier than it will make them.

    Post # 91
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I would be grateful that she showed up and gave me a gift. By The Way, I have never purchased a gift off a registry and I never will – money allows the receiver to get what they want. And I also go to most showers – bridal, baby, whatever, in jeans. Unless there is specified dress code, why not!

    Post # 92
    1375 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    My aunt and 2 cousins gave me a gift off the registry that I think was worth that much.  I didn’t think to myself, “Hey, they only spent $17 each on my shower gift, that’s pretty low!”  I thought “Sweet!  We got our vacuum!  I need to make sure to send them all thoughtful notes, since their names were on the card.”

    Try to be gracious, OP.  You’re really coming off as materialistic in this post, especially bringing up the “$17 pp” again and again.  Would you have preferred no gift at all?

    ETA: i’m sure she didn’t mean it as a slight towards you.

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