- 1 week ago
- Wedding: August 2019
Ok. I want to preface this with: I am absolutely an advocate for body positivity. 110% I’m of the view that we should always tread extremely cautiously when commenting on someone’s appearance, even if they’ve lost weight, as you could just be feeding into an unhealthy relationship with food. Speaking as someone who, for a long time, had a very unhealthy relationship which manifested in an eating disorder in my early 20s.
Spread love, not hate. You do you.
These days, I’m not so easily triggered by it. I’ve learned to understand toxic thoughts and stop them dead when they start to manifest. Take a deep breath, wait for my heart to settle, breathe out. Move on.
Well things are changing in my family at the moment and people are starting to comment on my body more. Because?
My sister just got weight loss surgery.
Now people are comparing us, to our faces.
I’m not doing great right now.
I can absolutely see why she got the surgery and this isn’t at all a her v me thing between us. Her doctor said the amount of visceral fat in her body would mean she’d likely have diabetes by the time she was 40 (she’s 33). She was unhealthy and struggling with self image. I’m absolutely so happy she made that call because I hated seeing her struggle for so long hating herself, and I couldn’t help her. Everyone needs their own path to being healthy and I can only speak for my own.
But I don’t understand why people now think it’s ok to stand us side by side to compare.
Let me preface this with: I’m not a skinny girl by any means but after 4 years of consistent strength training and dedicated exercise and diet management, I am the fittest and strongest I have ever been. I’m a size 12AU (8US). And I think because i do work so hard, people think they have a right to comment on my body. All the time! Like if I might have put on a few kgs (like after our honeymoon) it’s “oh haven’t been to the gym as much lately hey?”. As if because I am obviously an advocate for healthy living, people have the right to weigh in on it. Most of the time I can block it out because it’s not often it happens. But now it’s constant.
The thing is, my sister and I, we’re completely different! You can’t compare our bodies at all! Mine is built by muscle training and conditioning. Hers was by far loss. Neither is better than the other.
Our bodies will never look the same! And whether or not you think one is “better” comes entirely down to personal preference so why comment at all if someone’s going to get belittled!
But anyway moving on. This whole thing culminated with a giant pile of shit last night
We met with some of my dad’s family (before you cry Covid it was perfectly legal where I am to meet in groups of up to 20 as we have 3 active cases total across the state). Every one of them were like “wow, (sister’s name) pretty soon you’re going to look better than your sister!” And other similar comments. Every single one of them.
My ED, who most of the time lies dormant, started growling.
Bless my sister, her heart is in the right place. She would kind of try and stick up for me. Be like ‘i got the surgery, but she’s the one up at 4am most days working her ass off’ and the like but honestly, in the face of my family, that’s not really an answer to them, and she shouldn’t be marginalising her success because of me. She should be proud of her achievements, not just because people compare them to something else.
But my family… They’re all really overweight. Call it bad genes or bad habits or a mixture, but weight struggles are endemic with my family, and the only ones who have managed to keep a healthy weight are literally me, and the ones who had weight loss surgery like my sister. I am the only one who keeps a smaller size without surgery. And it’s hard man!
Almost like, the surgery is seen as the only “out” and it’s an inevitability for everyone. It’s a weird dynamic and hard to explain. But you’re only really seen to have succeeded if you get the surgery. My sister makes the fourth out of the cousins who got it in the last 12 months alone (we have a lot of cousins).
Then I kind of snapped. One of my cousins (who is a nasty piece of work at the best of times and has a smaller sister) said to me in this awfully sarcastic tone
‘So how does it feel to be the fatter sister?’
And me who had had enough and was having none of it, responded ‘I don’t know, you tell me’.
Yes it flies directly in the face of everything I believe. Yes I shouldn’t have said it. But for fucks sake I was just at the end of my tether at that point. Like is this real life? Can’t we just be!
I thought that was the end of it.
Then this morning I wake up to a message from my aunt telling me I need to apologise to my cousin because ‘you know she has a problem with her self esteem’ (well her and me too Karen) and ‘you’re lucky to be smaller, how dare you say that’.
“Lucky to be smaller”
LUCKY. God that hit different. Yes it was LUCKY I had bulimia for the first half of my 20s. It’s LUCKY I get up at 4am 3-5x per week to sweat my ass off at the gym. It’s all LUCK.
Let alone the fact that I’m being berated by my aunt on behalf of my 28 year old cousin. Are we children!?
I’m fucking done.
I haven’t responded yet. How would you? Am in the wrong here? Should I have just kept my mouth shut?
Gotta book time with my psychologist.