(Closed) How would you word the start of this unfortunate convo…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

So you want to sak her not to be a bridesmaid anymore? If you want to salvage the friendship, I’m not sure how to go about it. Can you say something like you’ve decided to have a smaller wedding party and you would have kept her if it was bigger? If you don’t care about staying friends, you can just say she’s been unresponsive and maybe now isn’t the best time for her to be involved in a wedding since she’s obviously busy. I’m not sure. I’m pretty blunt, so I would probably ask why she’s being a b—h about things. Sorry I’m not much help. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

What do you want to achieve with this conversation? (that is meant as a straightforward question not a snarky comment)  — going in, you need to know what you want.  Is it for her to step it up as a BM? Is it for her to no longer be a BM? Is it for you guys to renew your friendship back to what it was? Is it for her to admit she has been a b***h?

Once you answer that for yourself, you can go into it with that attitude.  You need to use “I” statements, silly as that might sound.  Explain how her actions are making you feel rather than attacking her for how you feel she has treated you wrong.

Good luck ::)

Post # 6
Member
8435 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@loving_life:  What she said but also if she is a friend and has changed dramatically why haven’t you talked to her before this. Obviously this is not about your wedding but your friendship. I wouldn’t even mention the wedding just her behaviour and how it is making you feel?

It is also hard to comment because we have no clue what “dramatic change in behaviour” means. I mean having a child is a big change in peoples lives so it is hard to judge without more information whether she is out of line or if you are overreacting.If her lifestyle choices are upsetting you well in all fairness it is her life and we all have to make our own choices. I think talking to her about the changes in your relationship with her is the important thing.

 The fact that she is choosing not to be apart of so called Bridesmaid or Best Man jobs is not really a big deal- BM’s don’t have to be actively involved in a wedding- it is nice if they are but ultimately it is your wedding and not hers! I would leave this out of the equation.

Post # 7
Member
1512 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

^ They have better advice than me. Go with them, haha. I’m no good on giving advice that isn’t blunt because, honestly, I don’t think I would have put up with a b—-y attitude for months wihout telling her to knock it off. You’re way more patient than I am.

One thing’s for sure though, you need to stop putting this off and tell her before she purchases her dress. Then she’ll be extra pissed.

Post # 9
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

How long has it been since she had her baby? I can understand giving her some extra time if this just happened recently. I’m sure she’s going through so much right now, and it’s difficult for you or I to understand. I wouldn’t un-ask her as it will only hurt your relationship. Instead, tell her you’re worried about her and offer to help. The most important thing here is your friendship, not your bridal party, right? 

Post # 10
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been sitting here (in my bed whoooo day off) thinking about this.  It is tough.  I think it would be best to just say what both of you already know – your friendship isn’t what it once was.  Tell her that this makes you sad and you still love her (whether true or not), but it is what it is and you’ve accepted it.  also, it has been clear to you and your other bridesmaids that she isn’t interested in being a bridesmaid and at this point it is probably just best and easier if she isn’t.  

It’s just a really tough sitch.

Post # 11
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would have two seperate conversations in one.  I think there are two problems that need to be addressed seperately, but that are relevant to each other.  First I would talk to her strictly regarding your friendship and relationship.  I don’t know your/her situation, but I always feel it is best to start a confrontation with a question, “Hey, I want to talk to you…how is everything going for you?”  She may say something that you won’t expect…she may be dealing with some difficulty in her life right now you’re not aware of…you did mention her husband is on the couch, she did just have a baby and you say she’s changed since-new role, hormones, post partum?  So, instead of approaching her initially by pointing out the problem, ask a question.  From there, lead into your concerns and friendship issues, how you feel, etc.  After that is sorted out, or not, lead into the bridesmaid thing.  If you both still want her to be in the wedding, tell her your expectations.  Tell her the importance of at least responding to emails.  Once she knows what you expect and agrees to it, it will be easier to bring it up to her again if she doesn’t follow through. Maybe she will want to step out of the wedding if she feels she can’t meet your requests-maybe she is too overwhelmed with her own life to respond to emails right now. I don’t know if this is good advice, but this is how I’d approach the conversation.  Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Okay, that is too bad…she sounds really exhausting.  It is probably best to just be forward with her and call her on all of her rudeness.  With someone like this, it sounds like it probably won’t go over too well. Just be true to yourself and if you’re speaking the truth and how you feel, don’t chicken out, and say what you mean.  And don’t apologize for your feelings or her bad behavior.  Just because she won’t like what you’re saying doesn’t mean you’re being nasty or mean. Maybe it has been too long since someone told her how bad her behavior is and how it affects them-maybe she won’t care.  Good luck!  

Post # 14
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

How embarassing about not sending a quick thank you email!  And if I thought someone didn’t get it, I would feel so bad and quickly send another.  Sounds like she never sent one and could care less.

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