(Closed) How'd you bring up the 'future talk'?!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

“I know you see us as “long term”, but before we move in I’m wondering what that means to you.”

Post # 3
Member
5643 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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secondchancer12 :  “implied” isn’t enough.   There are so many bees who get themselves into messy and avoidable situations as they assume moving in means closer to marriage and the guy doesn’t.  Clear all your exceptions up before moving in. 

Post # 4
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

We just talked about it. Honestly, we established on the first date what our interests were and what we were looking for. Then, throughout our relationship, we would update that conversation with what we felt and what we both wanted. At each stage we always knew what intentions we both had and the future we both wanted. It was just natural for us.

For me, not being able to talk about those things with ease and comfortabity was a dealbreaker.

Post # 5
Member
7527 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Implied definitely wouldn’t be good enough for me. I went through this same scenario…DH wanted to move in before we were engaged and I wanted to be sure we were heading for marriage before that happened. I felt like it was implied that he was in it for the long-haul, but aside from hypothetical “what kind of wedding would you like?” “how many kids do you want?” fantasy talk, we’d never really sat down and actually discussed our future in a concrete way.

So I just flat out asked him whether he saw marriage in our future, and if so when. His answers were satisfactory, so we moved forward (after a few more similar convos in the next couple months).

People will tell you “if you can’t discuss these these things then you’re not ready to get married” – and they’re right, but that doesn’t mean these convos aren’t stressful and scary. You’re making yourself vulnerable and finding out where you really stand with your partner. Even if you think you’re on the same page about wanting marriage, there’s always that tiny voice in your head that’s warning you “maybe he isn’t on board” – and this is the convo where you’ll hopefully find out. So it’s scary…but it has to be done. Don’t move in with him until you get a direct answer that you like.

Post # 6
Member
1591 posts
Bumble bee

“I’m not saying I want to get married tomorrow, but what are you thinking of terms of our timeline for that? Is there a timeline? I don’t want to end up in one of those relationships that goes on forever and ends with me alone and older with fewer options.” 

That’s a rough paraphrase. 

Post # 7
Member
3882 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

We were just having a conversation and I asked him where he saw himself in the next 5 years.  He said he saw himself married to me with one or two kids.  At that point we had discussed marriage in general but not with each other, so his answer brought up the discussion about marriage as it pertained to us and we planned our life from there. 

Post # 8
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My husband was the one to first bring up the future talk.  We actually both talked about the future in vague terms on our second date as I didn’t want to waste my time with someone that didn’t eventually want to get married and have kids.  He brought up “us” about a month or so in (he said he knew from the third date he was going to marry me) and a few weeks later he brought up moving in together, which would have been in a few months when his lease was up.  I told him while I agree with living together before marriage, I wanted a timeline.  Not a I’m going to propose on this date timeline, but where did he see us…getting married a year from then?  3 years? 5 years?  He said he wanted us to get engaged before the year was up (this was last February).  We moved in together the end of February and he proposed in September.

It can be a bit scary to have these conversations, but I’ve learned from past relationships to be honest and not beat around the bush.  If he had once hemmed and hawned over giving me a general timeline, I honestly would have rethought things because we weren’t on the same page.  But fortunately, we’ve always had good communication and it was very easy to have this conversation with him.

Post # 9
Member
4374 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

We talked about the fact that we were dating with marriage in mind from the first few weeks. We have both been in a lot of relationships, we’re older, and we just knew what we wanted at this stage in our lives. At about 6 months together we talked about how if things were still going well we would move in together after 1 year together and I stated that I didn’t want to move in together unless we felt that we were headed toward marriage. He agreed. When it came time for him to move in I expressed that I would like to be engaged before we had been together 2 years. He proposed at 1.5 years. We got married just after our 2 year anniversary. Being up front and honest about everything worked really well for us and I feel like that is usually the best policy. 

Post # 10
Member
10559 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think the best thing to do is to be honest with where you want the relationship to go. If it’s hard to bring up the conversation then I wouldn’t move in together yet.

Post # 11
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

My SO was the one to ask me to move in, as we had discussed early on that dating was the purpose for leading into marriage, and that brought up the whole “future talk”. I told him my concerns coming from a culture that the woman did not move in with a man until they were married, but I was willing to compromise since I wanted to live together first as well. He understood how I felt, and that we both agreed that moving in was the step before marriage, and not soon after we moved in together, he asked me to start sending him rings that I liked.

However, I think it’s extremely important to be clear about your expectations, as it turns out my timeline was not on the same page as my SO’s about a year later. I thought it was all taken care of since I had been sending him rings that I liked, but never asked or talked about what would happen next. Luckily we were able to work it out through communicating and agreeing on a timeline that worked for both of us. You don’t want to be always wondering where your relationship stands a few months or years down the road.

Post # 12
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

If you’re thinking about moving in with you, you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to him about anything. You need a clear conversation about it. I agree with PP that said to tell him you want marriage and be SUPER clear so there is no “misunderstanding” later, something like: “Obviously we are moving forward with me moving in. Marriage is important to me and I have to think about the sacrifices I am making and the change and burden being more on me. I want to know your thoughts on marriage and if you want marriage IN TIME as I do.”   I was strung along by my ex for years with promises of marriage so I wanted to be VERY clear with my boyfriend about his stance on marriage

Post # 13
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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secondchancer12 :  discuss everything from household responsibilities, finances, marriage if that’s what you want, and children. If there are any goals you need to achieve or he needs to before other things take place. Be very intentional about this so you don’t end up in limbo like so many other bees who jumped in feet first. For DH and I, I told him I wanted to finish college before getting engaged and absolutely wanted to be married before buying a house or having children. So I by no means expected him to propose until after I was done with school. Our timelines worked out perfectly and sometimes they won’t always but it did for us. Just make sure expectations are VERY clear. 

Post # 14
Member
1260 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

About two months in, I basically brought up to him the, hey, if we’re gonna keep dating I want you to know I want this to go somewhere, I want marriage, I want kids, etc. I know lots of people date nowadays without necessarily meaning for it to end in marriage so I wanted to make it clear. Recently Fiance told me that that’s the exact moment he knew he wanted to marry me- because it took a lot of guts to bring up that conversation.

If you’re moving in together, you absolutely need to establish what each of you wants. Some see moving in as a natural step on the way to an engagement within the next year or two, and some see it as just moving in together. It’s scary but wouldn’t you rather know now than two or three years down the road when it turns out your expectations are completely different?

Post # 15
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

View original reply
soymilk :  Essentially, what soymilk said.  In previous relationships I was always scared to talk about future plans.  But with my now fiance because I was older and didn’t want to waste my time, I was much more direct.  I think an important thing is to make things less vague and more tangible – for me it was helpful to boil the conversation down to time frames and what he felt would be necessary in order to propose.  And we would occasionally check in as life and work situations changes.  I also found it was important to decide for myself what I wanted — how long was I willing to wait, what did I need in the meantime, etc?  And also to make sure that my tone was open minded and inviting so that he wouldn’t feel judged or clam up.

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