(Closed) How's the engagement going….oh, btw, are you saved?

posted 5 years ago in Secular
Post # 3
Member
7610 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That sounds frustrating.  In the end, though, they’ll be the ones missing out.  They’ll miss out on seeing you two as often and if you have kids, I’m willing to bet you’ll bring them around just a little bit less than you would have if they didn’t behave like this toward you both.  It sucks, but all you can do is live your life.

Unless you change your mind on talking to them about it – which I’m sure someone here will advise you to do – which is always an option.  Is there any chance they’d be open to you guys telling them that you enjoy spending time with them, but you’d prefer not to discuss religion?

Post # 5
Member
5065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m sorry people and family are being so…urgh! I struggle to find the words as I don’t want offend. I was a Christian growing up and I guess I’ve done the classic thing of not going church anyone. Now my SO and I are not living a christian lifestyle (he was never a christian) which we are happy with.  But I have also had the is J saved qestions and looks from who I used to call ‘church family’.

Sorry if I vented too much, I was just trying to say I understand.

 

Post # 7
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

That sounds SO frustrating and infuriating to you. I don’t think I’d do well in the Bible Belt. How deep are your roots in your town? I see that you are looking to buy a home there. Would you ever consider moving into a location where there are more like-minded individuals that you could relate to better?

Your family sounds very ‘pretend christian’ to me. By that, I mean that they’re not acting very christian at all! Jesus Christ accepted everyone, no matter what, and it sounds like this family of yours needs to be reminded of that.

And in all fairness, if they don’t want to listen to your side, then why should you WANT to listen to theirs? It sounds like reasoning with them might be impossible. I’d want to scream too.

 

Post # 8
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That is rough and I definitely feel for you. It already sounds like you have more patience than I do 🙂 I don’t see eye to eye with my future family either, so I think I can see where you’re coming from. It’s really hard to accept, but sometimes you really can’t just please everyone. But as long as your FI loves and supports you, you have something a lot of people don’t. Hang in there and keep communication open as much as you can. Tell them honestly that if you can’t find common ground you might not feel comfortable visiting quite as often.

And…I feel you on the no kids front. We aren’t having children either and when a future aunt-in-law found out, she and another family member cornered me at a birthday party and yelled at me about it 🙁

Post # 9
Member
5065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2014

You are not alone, you have me as a fellow bee and the love of your FI. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

You poor thing, topics like this can be so frustrating, because no matter what you say, they will always view it as wrong. I live in the bible belt, and while I am a chirstian, I am not the “right type” of christian down here. In fact, many people in the south don’t even consider my religion chirstianity.

So, I totally get where you are coming from, and I think you are doing the right thing. You shouldn’t have to hide your beliefs from others, and you shouldn’t have to explain them to others either. Nothing you bring from a logical perspective will change their mind, so there is not point in pissing them off just for the heck of it.

Hopefully, as more time passes, and you are around them more and more; they will let it go. They could be feeling now that you have “changed” their son/brother/cousin into a satan worshiping athiest 😉 Perhaps, as they get used to the idea of your non-belief they will let it go.

Post # 11
Member
1414 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Oh my….

How frustrating…

Unfortunately, I don’t have any great advice to give but just know that you are not alone having to deal with issues like this.

Not a family event goes by without me being asked if I am saved yet….and then a long lecture about h***.

(((Hugs)))

Post # 12
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s certainly annoying. I didn’t not allow my family to shut me out. I also think perhaps that because a lot ofthe kids my age don’t go to church and aren’t relegious. I will be just as vocal about my lack of relegion as they chose to be aboutt their relegion.

I don’t anyone more insufferable then the born agains and I one cousin like that a born again pentecostal. I tell her thank you very much but I was born correctly the first time sorry if you weren’t, there is nothing I need to be saved from, and I don’t classify people proslytizing to me about jesus as good news in fact it’s the opposite. Eventually she got tired of my counter statements and doesn’t pull that crap to me.

It’s annoying and has become a topic we agree to not talk about.

Post # 14
Member
2282 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can identify. While my immediate family is very laid back – Christian, but with the belief that religion is personal and not to be discussed in public, ever – a dear cousin married a super-crazy-Christian man years ago and became very isolated from the family because he didn’t approve of being around people he found potentially less-moral than he. However, over the years, he’s relaxed, and she’s gotten a little better at expressing her wishes (without, apparently, breaking any of the being-subject-her-her-husband rules that they both believe in). 

I really did not expect them to come to my wedding (a cocktail party wedding, where the booze flowed like water, and not a church in sight). But they accepted. Then I thought they’d probably come and leave right away. Nope. They stayed, they had a wonderful time, and they couldn’t have been lovelier or more honestly congratulatory. People can change. I hope your cousins will eventually relax and become less judgemental over time.

But it’s hard for atheists in the Bible Belt, so let me express my admiration for how cooly you stick to your principles. I’m from south GA, and lived in AL while doing my graduate work at Auburn. I grew up around some pretty shocking intolerance. Now I live in a place in central VA that’s about half hard-parting liberals and about half insane Falwell fundamentalists, and when the two clash, it gets interesting. DH is an athiest, and he just does his best to stick to the hard-partying liberal side here 🙂 But then, so do I.

You’re right – they won’t listen to your side. They’re not equipped to, since their entire belief system rejects relativity and the possibility of multiple (potentially conflicting) truths. I know you must feel awfully alone. I felt alone there, and I was a Christian! But because I’m a liberal Christian, whose best friend is a pagan priestess and whose other friends tend to be atheists or agnostic, I felt sometimes like I was under siege from the Christian right.

The only thing I can suggest about faith always coming up in conversation is to take the lead and change the subject yourself. Try to think of things you can ask them about that are unrelated – ask them about work, ask them about where they’d like to travel if they could go anywhere, etc. It may not work, because for some people, religion is their only topic because they just haven’t let themselves form opinions about anything else, but you can try.

Sorry for the uber-long reply. Just wish I could help more. Hang in there. And know that, yes, there are lots of atheists in hiding there (and pagans). 

Post # 16
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Being the inflammatory bish I am, if they refuse to listen to reason, I become unreasonable.

“Are you saved?”

“Actually, FI and I just joined a lovely Satanic Cult. We meet under the full moon and sacrifice small woodland creatures in the name of The Dark One *smile*”

“When are you having babies?”

“Actually, we decided that we aren’t going to be selfish and contribute to the overpopulation of the earth.”

Sometimes you gotta be an asshole. It might not be the mature thing to do, but damn does it feel good!

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