Hubby Can't Attend His Family Function, Do I Go Alone?

posted 1 month ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
6535 posts
Bee Keeper

Just decline. Plan a girls’ day with your daughter. 

Post # 19
Member
9391 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If their own son can’t be bothered to rearrange his schedule to attend I sure as hell wouldn’t bother going either.

They sound awful.

DWIL is a board on babycenter “dealing with the inlaws”. Be aware that’s very extreme. Like they will likely tell you to divorce your husband. But they can have some useful insight sometimes.

Post # 20
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Will he stand up to his mother though? What if her words sink into your child and your child starts to believe that you need psychiatric care? Your child won’t come to you and tell you what’s being said.

I know this is an extreme thought, but I have first hand experience of how damaging toxic bullshit is, and kids trust adults. Your child will trust his parents and will believe what they say.

He didn’t stand up for you before, how can you be sure that he will do it now without you there?

I would limit my child’s time with them and I would be there to monitor the situation. Your husband still isn’t hearing you entirely because he isn’t receptive to them NOT dropping by the house when you are gone 

Post # 21
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

mommainlove :  I completely feel you. I’m really sorry this is happening.

DWIL Nation is an online forum like this site, expect for dealing with your in-laws. They have amazing recommendations and advice. I highly recommend copying this post and pasting it there. They can definitely be a bit harsh, so be prepared, but I have gained so much insight from them–personally–and I know of many other women that have been able to do the same.

TwilightRarity  is so right. You don’t owe them your time (or your anything), and that very much includes your daughter’s time.

Post # 22
Member
5952 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I second Sansa85 : .  My Mother-In-Law is AWFUL.  She also says a bunch of crazy things, talks behind our backs, spreads drama, tells us off just to tell people how great she is and show how much power she has.  Totally narcisstic and likely bipolar.

I have a stepson who has always known her… He’s her first grandchild.  He’s spent a lot of time with her, but will NEVER repeat anything she says to him unless she asks, like “Dad, you need to apologize to Grandma,” after my husband told her to “go f*** yourself.”  When my stepson was 9, his mom got him a phone for Christmas.  2 weeks later, his mom who talks to my Mother-In-Law let him sleepover at my MIL’s house. My stepson started sending all these crying faces via text asking to go home.  The only thing my stepson said to his mom was that my Mother-In-Law was trying to make him sleep in her bed because she didn’t want to make “his” bed in the morning.  Wouldn’t say anything past that.  Didn’t say if my Mother-In-Law yelled at him (which she’s known for doing) or made him feel guilty for leaving.  He wouldn’t tell me or my husband this, and him mom said he was silent the whole way home until he went to bed.

Don’t count on children identifying forms of abuse.  Seriously.  They’re so innocent.  If they are left with someone they’re supposed to trust, and that person blames their own bad behavior on the child, the child is going to think they did something wrong.

 

She’s still never met my 16 month old daughter, and there are no plans of that happening.

Post # 23
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I personally wouldn’t attend one of my husband’s family functions without him. Its a long story but I’m just not comfortable around them, and I’d actually be even less comfortable around them once we have a child. So I definitely don’t think you need to feel guilty for not attending! Just have your husband call and say “We can’t make it” 

Post # 25
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

mommainlove :  edited, I read wrong. You’re talking about the house that you guys live in together, for some reason I thought you were saying that he lives with them. Not sure why I read it like that 

Post # 26
Member
5952 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

mommainlove :  My Mother-In-Law is not allowed to see my daughter. I told my husband that… and I told him once she proves she not a psycho, I will consider bringing my daughter around her, but I have to be there because he can’t stand up to her.  He knows it’s true.  You honestly just have to be assertive.  It’s a major contention in our marriage too, but there’s no changing people, and I won’t subject my daughter to such a person.  I’ve seen my Mother-In-Law straight up ignore my husband’s parenting wishes, which in turn, caused my stepson to have a major meltdown and destroyed our family day.  If your husband won’t say anything to her, you have to be that person.

Honestly, one day I just told off my Mother-In-Law, and now she won’t come to our door in fear of seeing me.  So it worked!

Post # 27
Member
5952 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

 mommainlove :  Is your husband purposely inviting them over when you’re not there?  Just wondering, because I’ve told my husband how shady it is when he plans things with his mother around me.  No, of course I don’t want to see her, but why should they purposely not include me?  I mean, she’s done that too… just invited my husband and stepson over for dinner, leaving me off the invitation.  It was the last time my husband’s seen his mother 2 years ago.

Post # 30
Member
5437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

mommainlove :  I’m sorry you’re so upset ☹️ to answer your question, I would not go

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