- 2 months ago
Just decline. Plan a girls’ day with your daughter.
Just decline. Plan a girls’ day with your daughter.
californiasun : She is horrible. She has said some other REALLY horrible things to me regarding my purpose being basically just to carry my child. I won’t use the exact phrasing because honestly I’m worried these people might see this. I am certainly not defending my husband staying out of it…because like I said, it cause our marriage to almost end. But there is something going on that I don’t know about with that family. He is very much what I call a black sheep. He doesn’t talk with his siblings much, he doesn’t like attending family functions, he never used to see his parents regularly (we live 30 min away from each other) until we had a child. She always has something say about the way her DILs raise their kids. One of the others had a major falling out with the two of them as well because they didn’t respect her wishes with her child. Now they seem to have a decent relationship but they are not allowed to watch her children. And I did put my foot down and say that they will never be watching my child alone unless my husband is there. And he agreed with that. I will check DWIL Nation. What is it?
If their own son can’t be bothered to rearrange his schedule to attend I sure as hell wouldn’t bother going either.
They sound awful.
DWIL is a board on babycenter “dealing with the inlaws”. Be aware that’s very extreme. Like they will likely tell you to divorce your husband. But they can have some useful insight sometimes.
Will he stand up to his mother though? What if her words sink into your child and your child starts to believe that you need psychiatric care? Your child won’t come to you and tell you what’s being said.
I know this is an extreme thought, but I have first hand experience of how damaging toxic bullshit is, and kids trust adults. Your child will trust his parents and will believe what they say.
He didn’t stand up for you before, how can you be sure that he will do it now without you there?
I would limit my child’s time with them and I would be there to monitor the situation. Your husband still isn’t hearing you entirely because he isn’t receptive to them NOT dropping by the house when you are gone
mommainlove : I completely feel you. I’m really sorry this is happening.
DWIL Nation is an online forum like this site, expect for dealing with your in-laws. They have amazing recommendations and advice. I highly recommend copying this post and pasting it there. They can definitely be a bit harsh, so be prepared, but I have gained so much insight from them–personally–and I know of many other women that have been able to do the same.
TwilightRarity is so right. You don’t owe them your time (or your anything), and that very much includes your daughter’s time.
I second Sansa85 : . My Mother-In-Law is AWFUL. She also says a bunch of crazy things, talks behind our backs, spreads drama, tells us off just to tell people how great she is and show how much power she has. Totally narcisstic and likely bipolar.
I have a stepson who has always known her… He’s her first grandchild. He’s spent a lot of time with her, but will NEVER repeat anything she says to him unless she asks, like “Dad, you need to apologize to Grandma,” after my husband told her to “go f*** yourself.” When my stepson was 9, his mom got him a phone for Christmas. 2 weeks later, his mom who talks to my Mother-In-Law let him sleepover at my MIL’s house. My stepson started sending all these crying faces via text asking to go home. The only thing my stepson said to his mom was that my Mother-In-Law was trying to make him sleep in her bed because she didn’t want to make “his” bed in the morning. Wouldn’t say anything past that. Didn’t say if my Mother-In-Law yelled at him (which she’s known for doing) or made him feel guilty for leaving. He wouldn’t tell me or my husband this, and him mom said he was silent the whole way home until he went to bed.
Don’t count on children identifying forms of abuse. Seriously. They’re so innocent. If they are left with someone they’re supposed to trust, and that person blames their own bad behavior on the child, the child is going to think they did something wrong.
She’s still never met my 16 month old daughter, and there are no plans of that happening.
I personally wouldn’t attend one of my husband’s family functions without him. Its a long story but I’m just not comfortable around them, and I’d actually be even less comfortable around them once we have a child. So I definitely don’t think you need to feel guilty for not attending! Just have your husband call and say “We can’t make it”
Westwood : Maybe I will just read some other poster’s comments. I actually posted on Bump back when this was all going on with my husband, when my Mother-In-Law was making such crappy comments and at the time, he brushed it off as me being “too sensitive.” And they literally had me crying. Like there is support and there is that. The responses I’ve gotten here have been supportive and understanding, helping me to open my eyes and see things differently. Those were all about me leaving him and how he doesn’t love me, etc. I realize that there is still a lot of work left in our marriage, and as @Sansa85 said, will he stand up for me if it were to happen again? Hard to say. On that other board they kept telling me to keep my child from them…but it doesn’t work that way. My husband lives there too and it’s his house too, and I can’t forbid them to see our child. I just can’t. If someone’s husband was like “okay, my parents don’t have to see our kids anymore” that easily, then that would be a miracle.
mommainlove : My Mother-In-Law is not allowed to see my daughter. I told my husband that… and I told him once she proves she not a psycho, I will consider bringing my daughter around her, but I have to be there because he can’t stand up to her. He knows it’s true. You honestly just have to be assertive. It’s a major contention in our marriage too, but there’s no changing people, and I won’t subject my daughter to such a person. I’ve seen my Mother-In-Law straight up ignore my husband’s parenting wishes, which in turn, caused my stepson to have a major meltdown and destroyed our family day. If your husband won’t say anything to her, you have to be that person.
Honestly, one day I just told off my Mother-In-Law, and now she won’t come to our door in fear of seeing me. So it worked!
mommainlove : Is your husband purposely inviting them over when you’re not there? Just wondering, because I’ve told my husband how shady it is when he plans things with his mother around me. No, of course I don’t want to see her, but why should they purposely not include me? I mean, she’s done that too… just invited my husband and stepson over for dinner, leaving me off the invitation. It was the last time my husband’s seen his mother 2 years ago.
Sansa85 : Thankfully all of the shitty things she has said to me have been without my child around. And I don’t see her being that kind of manipulative. She is more concerned with making sure the kids love and adore her than she is about sabatoging our relationship, if that makes sense. She very much needs to be needed. And maybe that’s why she doesn’t like me. I don’t need or want her around. And I think it’s kind of obvious that her own son could care less about their family too. You’re right in that I can’t expect my child to tell me if she said anything about me. Nor do I want little one to be in that kind of dramatic mess. This doesn’t solve the bigger issue, but it does validate another reason for my not wanting to go to yet another event. The less time my child is around these people, the better off.
It’s taken my husband and I a lot of talk, therapy and even separation to get to a point where he at least understands where I come from. I think I need to tread lightly on limiting their time. I will say though that they have been coming around less, on their own. They probably see her once or twice a month on average. When my husband is out of town, they won’t come see their grandchild because it’s me there. Or if I take the day off work that they normally come, they won’t come because I’m there. That’s another thing I’d like to say…if they can’t even come see MY child when I am home and purposely don’t come around because of me, why the hell should I show up to their family functions? Ohhhh I’m getting upset again.
I do want to keep my child safe from their toxicity…but at the same time, I fear that bringing this up without something to spark it would probably end our marriage. And then they would probably be around my child ALL THE TIME that my husband had custody. At least my presence keeps them at bay.
SeaOfLove : No, they babysit another grandchild 4 days a week and are only “available” to visit this grandchild one day a week, and it happens to be a weekday while I’m at work. It’s definitely not done by him intentionally. It was something that we set up long before all the tension came into play. But…to an extent…I think that he is happier that I’m not around too, because he knows that I’m so uneasy around them and he knows that his mother doesn’t like me, for whatever reason. So he probably secretly enjoys that he doesn’t have to deal with the drama.