Hubby Can't Attend His Family Function, Do I Go Alone?

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
5595 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

mommainlove :  I’m so sorry.. I do understand the contention it can cause in a marriage.  I think I’m lucky in that my husband has anxiety, and if I bring up the shitty things she’s just done to him, his siblings, and his son, his rose colored glasses seem to come off.

Maybe you can start doing “drop ins” on days that they are there to say hi to your daughter.

I really hope it gets better.  And you’re right.. I feel the same way, as long as I’m in the picture, the time with my child is limited.

I get worked up about scenarios like this because we’ve been through it for way too long.  We’re actually hoping to start trying for our second kid together, and I’m just anticipating the shit we’ll get again.

Don’t go, and don’t feel bad.  Thinking of you <3

Post # 34
Member
920 posts
Busy bee

I would tell your husband that you won’t prevent your in-laws from seeing their granddaughter, so long as YOU are present for all interactions. 

It may mean spending a bit of time around your in-laws, but it is so important to protect your child and your relationship with your child. Your husband doesn’t see it from your perspective and isn’t vigilant in the way you would be. 

I would limit it to one day per week, for a couple hours, and entirely on your schedule. You can meet them at a park, they can come to the house, what have you. But, YOU are in control of the situation. If your Mother-In-Law bad mouths you, you can quickly bring an end to the visit. If she ever were to say anything to your granddaughter that is reminiscent of the “dark side” of her, you can pack it up and call it a day. She may not have done it yet, but it is always a distinct possibility, especially as your daughter gets older and more independent.

Also, some weeks, the schedule may not mesh. Oh well, that’s life! 

You can facilitate visits, but you don’t have to allow them if they can’t act appropriately. Family members can still be shitty people. Just because they’re your daughter’s grandparents doesn’t change their nature. 

Post # 35
Member
5595 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

mommainlove :  That is SO awful.  For that reason, I even told my husband I didn’t want anyone to know I was going into labor. 

But to be honest, we weren’t talking to her my whole pregnancy… My husband was so worried to even tell her I was pregnant, that he didn’t tell her until after the anatomy scan.  He sent her a picture of the sonogram and planned to turn off his phone (which I did NOT want her to have a picture of the baby, because she’ll post it all over Facebook, but he only told me after the fact).  I did ask Darling Husband to wait to tell her until all the important people knew, but at 14 weeks, I said, “Okay, go ahead and tell your mom.”  Anyways, at 21 weeks along, after he texted her a picture, she said, “What is it?” And he said, “A baby.”  She then goes and calls/text my Father-In-Law, my SIL, AND my stepson’s mom asking, “Is SeaOfLove pregnant?” Tells my husband that he’ll be busy.  Then texts him an hour later b*tching him out for making her the last one to know and told him that he is “dead” to her.

My daughter was born 11 days early.  Well, a week before her due date, my Mother-In-Law kept calling and texting my husband.  We thought she found out our daughter was born.  Darling Husband kept ignoring her.  Two days later, she sends him these texts flipping out that he didn’t tell her about our daughter being born, and that she had to find out through someone else.

Seriously, we could talk forever about this.  Feel free to message me any time!

Definitely keep doing what you were doing, but don’t let your husband keep your Mother-In-Law too close to you, and definitely don’t volunteer yourself to her.  Just because she’s okay with your daughter now, doesn’t mean she will still be in the future.  I hope your husband sees that.  And ALWAYS make sure your daughter knows that she doesn’t have to see people if she doesn’t want to.  It’s her choice.

Post # 36
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

THEY ARE BEING TOXIC TO YOUR CHILD. Your ILs play favorites and don’t treat your child the same; she knows that and that’s why she doesn’t like them. She will be subjected to the same treatment that made you miserable and cry. She will be subjected to the same treatment that made their son not want to be around them. 

Your Darling Husband didn’t see his parents before because they’re horrible to him too but then you came along as the incubator and provided a child that he could shove in their face so that they’d leave him alone. Except she’s going to be the scapegoat black sheep grandchild because that’s how these people work.

ETA: If your Darling Husband still thinks that his parents should be allowed access to his child even though he wants nothing to do with them, he needs a lot more therapy. Why do his parents’ feelings matter more than yours or your child’s? It should always be about what’s best for your child but your Darling Husband is so damaged by his parents’ abuse that he’s conditioned to do whatever it takes to avoid more abuse.

Post # 37
Member
11774 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I don’t think you went nearly far enough. Your husband does not have your back or prioritize you over his mother to this day. What should be happening if your husband was on the same page is he ought to insist his parents apologize and treat you with respect. They see none of you until that happens. 

Post # 38
Member
459 posts
Helper bee

I don’t attends my husband side of the family functions alone just because we always lived away and I’m not that close to them. Husband has attended and will attend my family side functions himself and he has hung out with my family quite a lot also he is friends with my brother and they frequently chat with each other on phone. 

In your case I would not go. 

However just wants to point out that it’s not your mom is laws job to wish you guys happy anniversary or acknowledge that you are a mother, or wishing you happy birthday. My in laws certainly don’t do that, I doubt they remember our wedding anniversary since we eloped. I don’t think my parents would know my husband birthday or our anniversary either and my husband gets along fine with them. 

Post # 39
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m finally at the point where I feel like I shouldn’t have to subject myself to situations where I feel unwanted or unwelcomed or uncomfortable.  

Repeat this to yourself and don’t go. 

I can relate to this because MY parents are like your in-laws. My mom is terrible and she has some of our cousins, aunts and my grandma (her mom) all in her little court and she knows it. We had a big blowout between her and I (DH got involved to help me) and since then, we only attend what I deem to be “necessary” family functions which is basically Christmas and Easter, and honestly, we only attend those because of my great-grandparents. I go to those family functions because I know my time with them is limited and Darling Husband knows that so he supports that. 

Having your husband in your court is HUGE, as I’m sure you know. I know my similar situation is opposite as its my own mom. However, every time I say “Oh… looks like Cousin Jane’s birthday party is when you’ll be out of town” and my tone is clearly torn on going because its the “right thing” to make an apperance or to avoid it because my family is toxic my Darling Husband will always advise me not to go. If its something I truly NEED to go to and Darling Husband isn’t available he does a great job of making sure I’ve got another confidant family member to be by or something because my family will bombard me if Darling Husband isn’t present. 

You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of by not going just because your husband isn’t there. I absolutely would not be attending if it were me, they can make all the comments they want. It sucks knowing they’ll talk but at the same time you won’t be there to hear it so try to not to get inside your own head too much. 

Post # 40
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

The in-laws aren’t the issue… but I sure as hell am giving your husband some major side-eye. When is he going to grow some balls and disallow his parents to treat his wife and children like crap? 

Post # 41
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Don’t go.  You will be miserable and it will impact how you are acting, and that will only strain things more.  If you don’t feel right about not attending, tell them some little white lie about not feeling well.  I don’t advocate lying as a rule, but sometimes it is important to save the peace.

 

Sorry you are stressed out about this, bee.  

Post # 42
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

Don’t go. I had a mil like this prev. 

 Keep it courteous, only go when required. Do the bare minimum.  

A counsellor told me never to be alone with her. Then,  two times I was, she lashed out and it was horrible. 

Also don’t leave children with her . 

Post # 44
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Wait, just quickly, and I’m sorry if I missed it: What exactly did she do with your daughter that you’d asked her not to do? 

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