Post # 31
mommainlove : I’m so sorry.. I do understand the contention it can cause in a marriage. I think I’m lucky in that my husband has anxiety, and if I bring up the shitty things she’s just done to him, his siblings, and his son, his rose colored glasses seem to come off.
Maybe you can start doing “drop ins” on days that they are there to say hi to your daughter.
I really hope it gets better. And you’re right.. I feel the same way, as long as I’m in the picture, the time with my child is limited.
I get worked up about scenarios like this because we’ve been through it for way too long. We’re actually hoping to start trying for our second kid together, and I’m just anticipating the shit we’ll get again.
Don’t go, and don’t feel bad. Thinking of you <3
Post # 32
SeaOfLove : See, and I was assertive with my husband, but he was firm in his decision that his parents should be allowed to see his child and he would not be picking sides. But he WAS picking sides by allowing her to see our child. No matter the issue that his mom and I have, he doesn’t feel like the child should have to not get to know her grandparents. I get that to a point. She isn’t being toxic to our child…she’s being a B to me. And in my perfect world, you treat me like shit? Your punishment is that you don’t get to see your child. But as assertive as I am, my husband will never go along with that. He will just keep us apart. It caused strain on our marriage, and I fear that if it all came around again, the marriage would be over. And then his parents would be around our child all the time. So if limiting their visits is all I can do…then that’s all I can do at this point. Soon she will be in preschool and that happens to be the morning of their visits. Not sure what’s going to happen then. We will NOT rearrange what is important for HER so that his parents can visit. That I can assure you will not happen.
Post # 33
SeaOfLove : I keep reading your posts backwords, and then responding to them in the wrong order. I am starting from the bottom up, I’m sorry. Gosh, you and I have a lot in common. I too will remind him of the things his parents have said and done that have been hurtful to others, and that is when he finally realized that his mother wasn’t as sweet as she portrayed herself. And we also want another…and I’m TERRIFIED that this will happen all over again. They showed up at the hospital even though we asked them not to, she was there every single day (and I was there for almost 5 days due to complications), she didn’t respect any of my wishes. One time I asked them to leave because they were arguing in my room about parking and she got so sarcastic and crappy and said “OH, well I guess someone needs their rest.” She is a horrible mean spirited person. My child doesn’t even like her, and I think that is another reason why she is the way she is. The other grandchildren would fawn all over her, but my child does not.
Post # 34
I would tell your husband that you won’t prevent your in-laws from seeing their granddaughter, so long as YOU are present for all interactions.
It may mean spending a bit of time around your in-laws, but it is so important to protect your child and your relationship with your child. Your husband doesn’t see it from your perspective and isn’t vigilant in the way you would be.
I would limit it to one day per week, for a couple hours, and entirely on your schedule. You can meet them at a park, they can come to the house, what have you. But, YOU are in control of the situation. If your Mother-In-Law bad mouths you, you can quickly bring an end to the visit. If she ever were to say anything to your granddaughter that is reminiscent of the “dark side” of her, you can pack it up and call it a day. She may not have done it yet, but it is always a distinct possibility, especially as your daughter gets older and more independent.
Also, some weeks, the schedule may not mesh. Oh well, that’s life!
You can facilitate visits, but you don’t have to allow them if they can’t act appropriately. Family members can still be shitty people. Just because they’re your daughter’s grandparents doesn’t change their nature.
Post # 35
mommainlove : That is SO awful. For that reason, I even told my husband I didn’t want anyone to know I was going into labor.
But to be honest, we weren’t talking to her my whole pregnancy… My husband was so worried to even tell her I was pregnant, that he didn’t tell her until after the anatomy scan. He sent her a picture of the sonogram and planned to turn off his phone (which I did NOT want her to have a picture of the baby, because she’ll post it all over Facebook, but he only told me after the fact). I did ask Darling Husband to wait to tell her until all the important people knew, but at 14 weeks, I said, “Okay, go ahead and tell your mom.” Anyways, at 21 weeks along, after he texted her a picture, she said, “What is it?” And he said, “A baby.” She then goes and calls/text my Father-In-Law, my SIL, AND my stepson’s mom asking, “Is SeaOfLove pregnant?” Tells my husband that he’ll be busy. Then texts him an hour later b*tching him out for making her the last one to know and told him that he is “dead” to her.
My daughter was born 11 days early. Well, a week before her due date, my Mother-In-Law kept calling and texting my husband. We thought she found out our daughter was born. Darling Husband kept ignoring her. Two days later, she sends him these texts flipping out that he didn’t tell her about our daughter being born, and that she had to find out through someone else.
Seriously, we could talk forever about this. Feel free to message me any time!
Definitely keep doing what you were doing, but don’t let your husband keep your Mother-In-Law too close to you, and definitely don’t volunteer yourself to her. Just because she’s okay with your daughter now, doesn’t mean she will still be in the future. I hope your husband sees that. And ALWAYS make sure your daughter knows that she doesn’t have to see people if she doesn’t want to. It’s her choice.
Post # 36
THEY ARE BEING TOXIC TO YOUR CHILD. Your ILs play favorites and don’t treat your child the same; she knows that and that’s why she doesn’t like them. She will be subjected to the same treatment that made you miserable and cry. She will be subjected to the same treatment that made their son not want to be around them.
Your Darling Husband didn’t see his parents before because they’re horrible to him too but then you came along as the incubator and provided a child that he could shove in their face so that they’d leave him alone. Except she’s going to be the scapegoat black sheep grandchild because that’s how these people work.
ETA: If your Darling Husband still thinks that his parents should be allowed access to his child even though he wants nothing to do with them, he needs a lot more therapy. Why do his parents’ feelings matter more than yours or your child’s? It should always be about what’s best for your child but your Darling Husband is so damaged by his parents’ abuse that he’s conditioned to do whatever it takes to avoid more abuse.
Post # 37
I don’t think you went nearly far enough. Your husband does not have your back or prioritize you over his mother to this day. What should be happening if your husband was on the same page is he ought to insist his parents apologize and treat you with respect. They see none of you until that happens.
Post # 38
I don’t attends my husband side of the family functions alone just because we always lived away and I’m not that close to them. Husband has attended and will attend my family side functions himself and he has hung out with my family quite a lot also he is friends with my brother and they frequently chat with each other on phone.
In your case I would not go.
However just wants to point out that it’s not your mom is laws job to wish you guys happy anniversary or acknowledge that you are a mother, or wishing you happy birthday. My in laws certainly don’t do that, I doubt they remember our wedding anniversary since we eloped. I don’t think my parents would know my husband birthday or our anniversary either and my husband gets along fine with them.
Post # 39
I’m finally at the point where I feel like I shouldn’t have to subject myself to situations where I feel unwanted or unwelcomed or uncomfortable.
Repeat this to yourself and don’t go.
I can relate to this because MY parents are like your in-laws. My mom is terrible and she has some of our cousins, aunts and my grandma (her mom) all in her little court and she knows it. We had a big blowout between her and I (DH got involved to help me) and since then, we only attend what I deem to be “necessary” family functions which is basically Christmas and Easter, and honestly, we only attend those because of my great-grandparents. I go to those family functions because I know my time with them is limited and Darling Husband knows that so he supports that.
Having your husband in your court is HUGE, as I’m sure you know. I know my similar situation is opposite as its my own mom. However, every time I say “Oh… looks like Cousin Jane’s birthday party is when you’ll be out of town” and my tone is clearly torn on going because its the “right thing” to make an apperance or to avoid it because my family is toxic my Darling Husband will always advise me not to go. If its something I truly NEED to go to and Darling Husband isn’t available he does a great job of making sure I’ve got another confidant family member to be by or something because my family will bombard me if Darling Husband isn’t present.
You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of by not going just because your husband isn’t there. I absolutely would not be attending if it were me, they can make all the comments they want. It sucks knowing they’ll talk but at the same time you won’t be there to hear it so try to not to get inside your own head too much.
Post # 40
The in-laws aren’t the issue… but I sure as hell am giving your husband some major side-eye. When is he going to grow some balls and disallow his parents to treat his wife and children like crap?
Post # 41
Don’t go. You will be miserable and it will impact how you are acting, and that will only strain things more. If you don’t feel right about not attending, tell them some little white lie about not feeling well. I don’t advocate lying as a rule, but sometimes it is important to save the peace.
Sorry you are stressed out about this, bee.
Post # 42
Don’t go. I had a mil like this prev.
Keep it courteous, only go when required. Do the bare minimum.
A counsellor told me never to be alone with her. Then, two times I was, she lashed out and it was horrible.
Also don’t leave children with her .
Post # 43
I would reply to you all individually but I don’t wasn’t expecting such a response. Thank you! You all bring up such great points and you have given me a lot of strength to NOT feel guilty about not going. I am also going to reevaluate the manner in which they visit my child. Instead of going to this party, I’m going to make memories doing something that we will both enjoy. Thank you all so much! Sometimes you just need people to validate your feelings and help you to see that there is really nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy!! Big hugs to you all!
Post # 44
Wait, just quickly, and I’m sorry if I missed it: What exactly did she do with your daughter that you’d asked her not to do?
Post # 45
I didn’t mention it. We had a no kissing rule when she was a baby. Even as adults, we weren’t kissing on her. We have a friend whose son became VERY ill as a baby from someone who kissed their son. So we asked everyone politely to hug and squeeze, but no kissing. She kissed all over her, right in front of me numerous times right after I asked her not to. Then she mocked me by repeating my “rules” to other family members with a tone that was mocking. And she’s so dense that she could have easily gotten away with it but left lipstick all over her so I KNEW she was still doing it. I would ask her to stop over and over again. Finally I got nasty. And now little one is old enough to turn away and boy does she ever! She doesn’t want to be smothered like that.