Post # 1
So I always said I would NEVER marry a smoker.
My dad smokes and has had SO many health issues, hospital visits, three strokes etc. including having to retire early which has caused a financial strain on the family.
What do I do? I fall in love with a smoker.
The good thing is he promised to quit before the wedding…. and he did. For over three months. He is the type of person who says he will do something and just does it. He wasnt moody, never snuck one, people were shocked… he has been smoking for almost 15 years.
Well, two weeks ago i went out of town for a job and he started again……
And it is really really annoying me! I almost understand more with my dad who struggles every day to quit but WHY would you stop something for months to start again……
I know I am being judgemental and I have an addivtive personality so i get it… but what now? I think I am pissed cause what.. did he just quit so I would marry him and then start again. I WILL NOT HAVE KIDS WITH A SMOKER I JUST WILL NOT DO IT!!!!!!
My mom says leave him alone because I think her nagging my father caused HUGE rifts in their marraige!
Post # 3
I’m sorry. I don’t have any advice, but I will say that I agree with your position. Smoking is a deal breaker for me too… it’s just so hard when you love someone.
Post # 4
Smoking is a deal breaker for me as well… but honestly, I wouldn’t have ever dated someone who smoked, no matter how I felt about them. Have you just tried talking to him about it? Telling him that you feel like he just quit so you’d marry him, and then he could start again?
Although, there are plenty of smokers in my family that have tried to quit, lasted a couple months, and then they get stressed and just go back to it. It’s hard to quit. Maybe make suggestions- electronic cigarettes, gum, those patch things, some kind of reward system for quitting… if it’s really a deal breaker then I don’t think causing a “rift in your marriage” is the main concern.
Post # 5
Unfortunatley the timing of quiting couldnt be worse…. though there is ALWAYS a reason not to quit right?
We just started a new job a few weeks ago which could not be MORE stressful…. super duper stress.
And we work on cruise ships where most of the crew smokes, all the bars onboard are smoking and cigarettes are like 50 cents a pack for the crew. ugh.
Post # 6
@nonapkns: but there are always more reasons on why you should quit…. but I have never been a smoker so I really cant relate to how hard quitting must be
Post # 7
Quitting is very difficult and most smokers take multiple tries before they quit for good. Be supportive and don’t nag or make him feel like a failure. When he’s ready, he can try again. Work with him to figure out his triggers and find a nicotine replacement that works for him
Post # 8
Well, unfortunately you started things up with a smoker. And this is often what the reality of the situation is. Marriage is for better or worse, and right now this is some of the “worse.” Quitting smoking is rough, and he needs support, not ultimatums.
I guess personally, I’d have to view the worst case scenario first. What if he can’t/doesn’t quit? What then? Is it worth leaving the relationship over? If so, there’s your answer, difficult though it may be. My father smoked for 20 years, quit for 5, then started again when his best friend died. It can be a life long battle.
Post # 9
A lot of people can’t quit for good the first time around. My dad was a smoker when my mother married him. Her parents were smokers and she hated it, but she loved my dad so she married him anyway and just made him smoke outside. When I came along he finally made the decision to try and quit. It took four different smoking cessation tactics and several years before he finally managed to do it for good.
Don’t give up on your husband just yet. Do your best to be supportive but firm without resorting to nagging. Work together to set attainable goals. Maybe find anyone else at your work that wants to quit and create a support group or make a contest out of it. Or go a different route and have a “smoke” jar where he has to put in a quarter or a dollar or whatever amount for every cigarette he smokes, and you get to do whatever you want with the money. There are lots of ways to motivate and help someone to quit that won’t result in animosity between you.
Best of luck.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
You need to make it clear to him that starting up smoking again is not acceptable to you. I agree with the suggestion to do what you can to help him quit.. try purchasing one of those electronic cigarettes (only gives them the nicotine), nicotine gum, regular chewing gum, whatever might help. Be supportive but also be firm that it’s something that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.
Post # 10
Unfortunately, with this man smoking came with the territory.
Second the electronic cigarette suggestion. A friend of my SO’s has used those and they’ve worked really well for him.
Post # 11
As a smoker (blah ew I’m trying to quit) I can tell you that nagging and pestering wont help him quit again, it may actually drive him to smoke more. But sit him down to talk, it doesn’t even have to be a big thing just take a few minutes to let him know how you’re feleing and you were so proud of him for quitting and wondering what happened.
Post # 12
I agree with Katyelle. it’s not like you started out with a nonsmoker. As a previous smoker, I quit after 11 years in 2006 and you know what? I still have one every now and then when I go out with a particular friend,
if you can find the strength to help him with this, I would suggest asking him to cut back first. Maybe 4 cigarettes a day for a couple of weeks, then 3, then 2… It really helps to have someone supporting you.
Post # 13
this makes me sad. my dad was a HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE smoker all of my life and I cant STAND it! I am that rude person that when you walk by me smoking I say ugh it stinks! if you dont care what I think about how it effects, me then I dont care if you think I am being rude!
I could NEVER have kids with a smoker either 🙁 im sorry!
I just think smoking is so gross!
PS I hope your Dad is okay! xoxox
Post # 14
Darling Husband and I both smoked when we met, and I quit shortly after. After my aunt died from cancer I made it very clear to him that I couldn’t handle him smoking anymore and he would have to quit for us to get married. He did for about 6 weeks but then started again shortly before the wedding.
My advice would be to encourage him to look at this as a bump in the road. The longer he smokes the more addicted he will get, so try and encourage him to give them up again ASAP.
My husband had AMAZING success with Whyquit.com. It’s a site with true stories of people who have died young from smoking, that helped Darling Husband to stop convincing himself he had a few more years before he had to think about quitting. It also explains how to quit cold turkey and why that’s the best method. Darling Husband drank cranberry juice to help the nicotine detox from his system quickly, he planned his quiting around his schedule (one the “worst” nic fit days he had nothing planned, I think it’s days 3, 7 and 10 or something). He ate dum dum lollipops constantly and that helped the best, because the sugar helped decrease nic fits and holding the stick was like holding a butt.
I’d say sit down with him without being confrontational, that’s what worked in my case. I told him I know it’s hard to quit and encouraged him to talk to me about why he thinks he’s having trouble, what made him want to smoke etc. I tried to make it clear that I was on his team and we worked out a really concrete plan to help him quit, we stocked up on juice and snacks, dum dums, hard candies, oranges, anything for him to snack on during fits. I also gave him back rubs to help him relax so he wouldn’t get tense and want a butt. I think it helped him to know he wasn’t doing it because I was demanding it from him, we were in it together and his daughter and I encouraged him a TON. He slipped a couple times but instead of getting mad at him we worked on getting back on track again.
I know you’re mad he relapsed but he needs your support right now. Good luck!!
Post # 15
If he gave it up so easily before, maybe he can give it up again? Why not bring that up to him?