(Closed) Hubby insists I work : /

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 227
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

When partners are unequal, resentment builds.  This happened with my parents and why I always want to be “equal”. If not in terms of salary at least working.  Plus I LOVE my careerr

Post # 228
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’ve always been fiercely independent. I worked FT at a job I didn’t like for 10 years b/c my exH was the “spender” in our relationship. I was too terrified of being between jobs so I stayed at the same place. THAT was actually my motivation for getting my Masters. We had lots of debt that took me YEARS to pay off but I vowed I’d never be in a marriage like that again.

I started living w/DH when he was overseas. I wasn’t allowed to work b/c of my visa. I had a savings account that I used to buy things I needed b/c I refused to ask him for money. I can’t tell you how many arguments we had in the beginning b/c I wanted to move back to the U.S. and get a job. He couldn’t move (has a contract) and he didn’t want me to leave.

DH dated a couple of women that he had to “support.” He didn’t “like” it but he still did it. One exGF had a very well paid job when he met her…she quit within a couple of weeks of moving in with him. I knew all the stories so I naturally didn’t want to be a burden to him. Because I’m so independent, he liked the fact that I could “depend” on him…he said it showed how much I loved him. Although it’s still hard for me to this day…I feel that I’ve lost some of my “self worth.”

We moved to another country where jobs are scarce for American spouses. Military spouses get preference for all the jobs (which they should) so I’m at the bottom of the list…even with my MBA.

At first, I unpacked (first time all our stuff was in one house) and planned our trips. Within months, I got bored, had no friends so I started volunteering. I managed to get a very coveted job with the organization I volunteer with. It’s PT but I make more than most spouses make in an entire month. I LOVE that I’m helping the military community, meeting lots of people, and the pay is GREAT!

I still wrestle internally w/not contributing that much money to the household. Since I’ve gotten involved in the community, I represent my DH. This has actually helped him since he’s naturally shy. All his bosses (and their spouses) know who I am but didn’t know he was my DH. And I know this will help his career down the line. So I guess I DO contribute more than just (some) money.

I should add that DH is very well paid, we don’t pay for our housing (so that’s more money in the bank) and we have NO debt. That savings will pay for a house when we go back to the U.S. I WILL work FT when we go back…our current situation just doesn’t allow for it. I’ve always been into volunteering but fell out of it for a while b/c of my previous job. I get a greater sense of satisfaction volunteering than I do working…and I’m very thankful that I get to do that again at least for a little while.

Post # 229
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Fiance and I would both love to stay at home enjoying ourselves while someone else supported us. But its not going to happen. So we will both work hard and hopefully we can both retire early.

Post # 230
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bombaysapphire_13:  I’m not quite in your boat. My husband was always very clear he didn’t want me to work, necessarily… but he wants me to do *something*. So, I have several creative ventures, I write, and I’m looking into tutoring a couple hours a week, maybe taking a graduate course or two. The point is, he’s supportive of what I want to do.

So, with your husband… he wants you to be doing something. Since your income isn’t the issue, have you considered trying to work on your creative projects that you mentioned? Maybe start up a little side business selling on etsy or at craft fairs or something? Do you think that would be acceptable? What about volunteering? At the very least, I’d say look for a new job. It’s not worth it being miserable and frustrated.

Annnnnnd…. I don’t get why people wouldn’t want to stay home if they could. My husband and I are a team, we just have different team tasks. Also, he never calls it “his money” – it’s our money. I don’t get an allowance. We figure out our budget, and I take out what I need. It’s not like housewives sit on the couch and “chillax” all day without lifting a finger. (Well, some might, but I’m thinking the majority don’t.) If you need a job to not be bored, either you have a great job (lucky you) or you lack imagination.

Also, I’ll admit… I only looked at the first page and didn’t sludge through 6 pages of advice, so I’m sorry if someone’s already said this! (Honestly, some of the comments on the first page were a bit catty, so I didn’t really have the patience for another 5 pages of it. :/) Just wanted to let you know I understand. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

Post # 231
Member
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@babypearls:  I don’t think staying home makes you unintelligent at all and honestly I don’t have a problem with anyone else being a Stay-At-Home Mom, but personally I could never do it. And just because someone has a degree does not mean that they can go out, especially after years of not working, and find a well paying job in an instant. These days its hard enough to find a job right out of college, let alone when you’ve been out of the work force/school for a period of time. I have friends with PhDs working at Chick-fil-a and Barnes & Noble because they can’t find anything else. IMO this is just not the time to be quitting a job. 

I also want to feel that I’m contributing to the relationship financially. Yes I know that you contribute when you stay home, but people who are working still get all of those things done around the house in addition to having a traditional job – its not one or the other. I happen to like nice things and honestly I would not feel comfortable going out and buying myself something that I really don’t need when I’m not contributing financially. I know its “our” money, but I would still feel the need to ask permission to go buy something off the wall just because I want it. My FI really wouldn’t care, but for me it would be a problem. I don’t ever want to feel dependent on someone else. I feel like that would totally make me uncomfortable and feel a bit suffocated.

I was raised by a single mother so a lot of my feelings on this come from my own situation. Though, my father has always told me the same thing, “always be able to take care of yourself. Never get in a situation that would be difficult to get out of.” To say that not working for years wouldn’t at least somewhat stifle a person from being independant if the need arose is really unrealistic IMO. Honestly when we have kids its most likely that my Fiance will be staying home with them lol.

Post # 232
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@LGenz:  Haha same thing for me and my DH ๐Ÿ™‚ He figures since I make more than he does, when we have kids he should take the parental leave and I should work ๐Ÿ˜›

Post # 233
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yeah, no. Not for me. I was unemployed for two months (yes, actively looking) and I wanted to slit my wrists on day 2.

I love my independence and being able to have nice things, so I work. I don’t expect (or want) my spouse to support me.

Also, if by some chance I came into a crapload of money, I would still work, even if it was part time. I like being busy and I like contributing.

Post # 234
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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@bebelicious1:  ITA. I’m never done working. I am bus with family stuff and cleaning all week. I make every meal including lunch for my DH, I manage our finances, I get up with our DD everyday. On weekends Im modeling for the most part so I get up, make food for everyone, then leave for work. When I get home I make dinner and clean up from their day…

Im never done. 

Post # 236
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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@bombaysapphire_13:  Okay, your post sounded ridiculously entitled and bratty, so I’m putting that annoyance aside and try to understand what you actually meant by your post.

It sounds to me like you just need to find a new job.  Sometimes getting burnt out on a job just makes you bummed out and all you need to do is switch things up so you can be excited about work again.

I’m pretty sure most of us women who work full-time are exhausted all the time, chronic conditions or not, and we’d all love to be on perma-vacation.  Since I’m assuming you didn’t mean to write the post that way, I’m going to resist the urge to flame you on it.

Post # 237
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

Lets just do the math and use logic.  Time is finite.

house + husband duties = Stay-At-Home Wife

house + Kids + husband duties = Stay-At-Home Mom

house + husband duties + outside job = working W 

house + husband duties + kids + outside job = working mom.

[content moderated for snark]

 

Post # 238
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

Lol I wish I could stay home too. Cook awesome meals and craft my life away. But I would feel like a loser if he’s working and I’m not especially if we have no kids. 

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