Post # 1
Hi bees! I’m just new here and will post a concern that must have been relevant to all other same posts before. I scanned through threads about couples with different sexual drives and I do probably have the answer as to why my husband is not interested with it anymore. But I do have a sad resort to it which I hope you can help me out.
So let me start it by saying, we’re newly weds, 6 months to be exact. We have been in relationship for 2 years and I could say that we we’re on the peak of our sex life before we got married and probably because we only get to see each other during weekends. Problem started when I moved in with him after the wedding and when he started school. My husband works regular hours and works on call every once in a while. I brought up the problem to him after 2 weeks of moving in with him and lamented how I feel so insecure and so unatractive by the way he rejects me. He also admitted the dry spell after the wedding because he is just caught up with work and school. We talked and worked on the matter but eventually fell back to the same issue after few weeks.
I usually don’t take his “busy schedule” that seriously because he has a bad time management as I could see and that he likes to slack around. Before we got married, he would go to bed at 9pm or 10pm and wakes up around 8am to go to work. Now that we’re together, he sleeps around 10/11pm when I’m with him but usually stays up til 12mn or past midnight if I am not around. When he goes to the his study room after work (around 5/6pm), he would study a bit but I would usually catch him watching anime or play mobile games, and these are the actual reasons I don’t buy his excuse as to “I’m caught up with homeworks” and/or that he is just tired all the time. When we are in bed, he just stays in his phone and plays and then goes to sleep. There are even times that he would wake up around 2/3am and get out of the bed and play on his phone again. He would spend a great amount of time playing. I confronted him about this and he says he just doesn’t want to wake me up.
Fast forward to the present, we are still touchy; we peck and he rubs my legs but that’s mostly it and we just don’t make out anymore. I am not the kind of woman who wants sex everyday, but a once or twice a week (considering his lifestyle) is a great giveaway. We just had a month together with no love making at all and I just told him that I may get used to it. He kept saying he doesn’t want our sex life to be in jeopardy but has no effort in making it improve in anyway. I tried being intimate with him one more time but a blunt rejection from him saying “I can’t, I have homework to do” is just too much to my ears already. Now, I am not letting him touch me anymore and I avoid his kisses now and he got annoyed by it and he just won’t admit it. I feel that it’s so unfair.
I am not planning to be intimate with him anymore at this stage of our marriage. Am I taking this too far? It’s very obvious that I have a higher drive than him but t’s also obvious that he is not making an effort to accommodate my needs. I am thinking about less skin contact with him or less touchy gestures to help me be satisfied with myself for now and not miss the sexy times with him.
P.S. we have also seen couple’s therapy because HE really wanted us to see one to “improve” our communication although I think our communication is on top. As mentioned, we talk about issues but we are just bad in working it out together.
Post # 2
Just talking about your issues doesn’t make you good at communication. You clearly do have communication issues. I would suggest going back to counseling.
Post # 3
If you’re ok with 1x or 2x a week then you could try to schedule some sexy time every week, example: sex on Saturday afternoons and Wednesday before bed. Have a chat with your hubby, let him know that you know he’s busy with ‘homework’, etc but let’s try to schedule sex in every week on the same day(s) and make it a non- negotionable. Make it something to look forward to, have a bubble bath ready, wine, etc. Good luck!
Post # 4
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
If you’re not good at working out issues together, you’re not good at communicating. Communication implies both parties working to find a resolution, not just talking about things.
Refusing ANY physical contact with him is just…ridiculous. And definitely NOT communicating well. It’s just going to exacerbate the issue.
It’s also one thing to be awake and have homework to do that you don’t want to (we’ve all been there), and to be awake and feel like having sex. There are so many times where I just wanna relax and watch netflix and not have sex. I’m not able to sleep, but I’m also not able to physically bring myself to have sex, and I have a very high sex drive generally.
I get that you’re hurt, and I understand your frustration. I’ve gone through periods with my fiance that his sex drive plummeted due to stress from med school. It happens, it doesn’t mean he loves you less, or doesn’t find you attractive…he just doesn’t physically feel up to having sex as much. Stress is really hard on your body. I know it’s really hard to not take it personally, but I really don’t think it’s personal in this case.
Post # 5
hikingbride : Agree as I have said the same thing to him whenever something comes up especially when it’s an old issue. We both admit that he tries his best to act on it and I try my best to extend my patience and understanding to him to my very best. But there are just things that are exhausting to discuss over and over especially when one party is not willing to act on pertaining issues.
Post # 6
maanksense : I would try couples therapy again, because as other bees have mentioned it’s very clear that you’re communication skills are not a great as you think they are.
I wouldn’t suggest playing games and holding back kisses, hugs, etc. You’ll be looking for a reaction that you probably won’t get and it’ll make things worse.
I wonder if maybe the adjustment of living with another person, plus work and homework is a lot for him to handle and it’s impacting his sex drive?
I’m also a newlywed and my husband and I haven’t been having sex as often as we used to, I’ve been really stressed out with work and feeling like I’m in a bit of a funk and I think it’s definitely impacted my sex drive. Maybe cut him some slack?
Post # 7
lifeisbeeutiful : I haven’t really suggested specific schedule before but I may give it a try, considering he wouldn’t reject me again. I gave way to his preference about doing it the morning but it just doesn’t happen at all now even if I try to initiate because he would want to sleep in, just cuddle, and/or just be plain lazy. Just imagine my ego getting crushed everytime I attempt. Lol
Post # 8
chelbell23 : Thank you so much for this! I don’t dismiss the idea of him being stressed at school or work but it does feel like he doesn’t want to make time for me at all. And I agree that it does feel personal. But I will take this into account. Thank you!
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
maanksense : It definitely seems less like he just doesn’t want to make time for you, and more like he’s emotionally drained, exhausted, and needs to recharge. The fact that he’s still cuddly/kissy/touchy definitely suggests that it’s less an intimacy issue and more he’s just burnt out. Give it some time, be as affectionate as he’ll accept and reciprocate, and try not to take things personally.
I agree with PP that counseling would also be a good idea.
Post # 10
maanksense : have you ever heard of the saying ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’? This is exactly what you are doing by refusing and withholding from intimacy. You’re cutting off your nose out of spite but your now the one who has to seal with the reprocussion of living without a nose.
You need to keep communicating your hurt to your husband and finding a compromise that suits you both. A marriage where everyone gives up, stops trying or is trying to get back at the other isn’t a marriage that is going to last. You need to get yourselves to couples therapy because you are not in a good relationship space at the moment and you need help navigating it.
Also I’ve been with husband for over a decade and you do go through periods of less frequency. It usually coincides with mental stress in one of us. When I was doing my post graduate degree and working full time I had periods where I had the time but my brain just wasn’t there for sex. It was decompressing from the day I had and was mentally expending energy thinking about what tasks I had ahead.
I think scheduling sex on x days a week can be a good idea to get you both over this hump. Have you asked him why he’s not as into it at the moment because you have probably fallen in the trap of emotions, conjecture and blaming without hearing what he is saying to you. You are taking this on board as personal and with sex drive it generally has very little to do about your partner but more to do how you feel inside yourself.
Post # 11
I’ve been through this.
Hubby used to be always wanting when we were dating, but after getting married and getting a bit older (and a bit chubbier, which we are working on) his sex drive lowered. Strangely, my sex drive when to hyper stage, hahaha.
At first I was really resentful and kept feeling it was my fault (maybe I’m not sexy for him anymore, perhaps he got bored of me) and at some point I ended up doing the same thing as you…which proved to be useless and only made me angrier. What worked for me was a combination between talking and getting creative.I’ll share you my experience briefly, but if you like to discuss more about it feel free to PM me.
When I say talk, I actually mean a long, emotional discussion with him over my needs and his feelings. I discover, through many conversations and after working my way through his layers (impossed by society’s pov that men should always be horny) that he was feeling really discouraged by things around us and it was taking a toll on his self-worth. He felt he wasn’t good enough for me, that he was too fat and there was no way I could find him attractive. He also felt that since he wansn’t working a full-time job (and earning a lot of money) he didn’t deserve me. He knew these thoughts were wrong, but even if he told himself that he couldn’t avoid feeling that way and not getting horny (failing me once again, in his mind). After everything was told and heard, we agreed on having two sexy nights weekly.
I wanted to make sure those sexy nights would be enjoyable for both of us, so I took it a step further and began to study his sexual preferences beyond what he had told me over the years of knowing each other. I also made sure to make those sexy nights something special using candles, music and ocassionally wine. I learned about his fantasies and role-played to make them come true, just as I role-played mine too. In a couple of weeks, two nights became three; and now we have at least 4 sexy times.
So, my advice is to have a deep conversation with him and try to find a middle ground, scheduled sex time or other ways to get that intimate connection.
Post # 12
funnyfox : Aww. This is enlightening. When it comes to communicating, I have always assumed that we have a very good communication. Whenever a small/big argument comes up or an important decision needs to be made for the two of us, we sit down and talk and discuss. We always make sure that we understood each other without being biased and talk and listen one at a time, and this is exactly why I find it hard to figure out what is going on with us. We always end the discussion with affection and reminder that we are a team through this.
However, after a long sweet talk like in few days, we go back to same place and I get back to being rejected. I think this is a good reminder that I may need to dig deeper to him, talk more about the personal factors and not just the central issues, and to extend my patience and understanding farther. It is always good to hear positive stories like yours and be able to relate with your previous experience and hoping our situation ends up as happy as yours. Thank you, bee.
Post # 13
maanksense : You are welcomed. What I discovered with hubby is that a lot of the reasons why he wasn’t being completely open with me was because he had this idea -probably impossed by society and media- that he shouldn’t be having such problems and hence, it was easier to just hide them. I remember hubby crying when he finally cracked opened and admit he felt he was too ugly for me and sometimes he wondered if I was just pretending to be into him. He had this message that “guy needed to look x or y way to be attractive” and he wasn’t. It is terrible because, as women, we have so maany movements nowadays fighting against misrepresentation of females but very few opposing misrepresentation of males. I wish you lots of good luck and patience, bee. ♥
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
+1 for going back to counseling. But also, who usually initiates sex when you do have it? I know a lot of women who wait around for the guy to initiate sex because they want to feel desirable and pursued (which I totally get and is not a bad thing), but if the sex drives are different then that means you could be waiting a long time (which makes you then feel like crap). If you’re the one wanting sex, are you initiating it? If not, why? Are you doing things to make it a fun, lighthearted thing for him or is it more like he’s being pressured into it because it’s what you want? Is the sex good when you do have it? There are lots of factors here, so make sure you’re considering them all.