Hubby is uninterested, will try to do the same thing

posted 11 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Just talking about your issues doesn’t make you good at communication. You clearly do have communication issues. I would suggest going back to counseling.

Post # 3
Member
4844 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

If you’re ok with 1x or 2x a week then you could try to schedule some sexy time every week, example: sex on Saturday afternoons and Wednesday before bed. Have a chat with your hubby, let him know that you know he’s busy with ‘homework’, etc but let’s try to schedule sex in every week on the same day(s) and make it a non- negotionable. Make it something to look forward to, have a bubble bath ready, wine, etc. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

If you’re not good at working out issues together, you’re not good at communicating. Communication implies both parties working to find a resolution, not just talking about things.

Refusing ANY physical contact with him is just…ridiculous. And definitely NOT communicating well. It’s just going to exacerbate the issue. 

It’s also one thing to be awake and have homework to do that you don’t want to (we’ve all been there), and to be awake and feel like having sex. There are so many times where I just wanna relax and watch netflix and not have sex. I’m not able to sleep, but I’m also not able to physically bring myself to have sex, and I have a very high sex drive generally.

I get that you’re hurt, and I understand your frustration. I’ve gone through periods with my fiance that his sex drive plummeted due to stress from med school. It happens, it doesn’t mean he loves you less, or doesn’t find you attractive…he just doesn’t physically feel up to having sex as much. Stress is really hard on your body. I know it’s really hard to not take it personally, but I really don’t think it’s personal in this case.

Post # 6
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

maanksense :  I would try couples therapy again, because as other bees have mentioned it’s very clear that you’re communication skills are not a great as you think they are. 

I wouldn’t suggest playing games and holding back kisses, hugs, etc. You’ll be looking for a reaction that you probably won’t get and it’ll make things worse.

I wonder if maybe the adjustment of living with another person, plus work and homework is a lot for him to handle and it’s impacting his sex drive?

I’m also a newlywed and my husband and I haven’t been having sex as often as we used to, I’ve been really stressed out with work and feeling like I’m in a bit of a funk and I think it’s definitely impacted my sex drive. Maybe cut him some slack?

Post # 9
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

maanksense :  It definitely seems less like he just doesn’t want to make time for you, and more like he’s emotionally drained, exhausted, and needs to recharge. The fact that he’s still cuddly/kissy/touchy definitely suggests that it’s less an intimacy issue and more he’s just burnt out. Give it some time, be as affectionate as he’ll accept and reciprocate, and try not to take things personally.

I agree with PP that counseling would also be a good idea.

Post # 10
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

maanksense :  have you ever heard of the saying ‘cutting off your nose to spite your face’? This is exactly what you are doing by refusing and withholding from intimacy. You’re cutting off your nose out of spite but your now the one who has to seal with the reprocussion of living without a nose.

You need to keep communicating your hurt to your husband and finding a compromise that suits you both. A marriage where everyone gives up, stops trying or is trying to get back at the other isn’t a marriage that is going to last. You need to get yourselves to couples therapy because you are not in a good relationship space at the moment and you need help navigating it.

Also I’ve been with husband for over a decade and you do go through periods of less frequency. It usually coincides with mental stress in one of us. When I was doing my post graduate degree and working full time I had periods where I had the time but my brain just wasn’t there for sex. It was decompressing from the day I had and was mentally expending energy thinking about what tasks I had ahead. 

I think scheduling sex on x days a week can be a good idea to get you both over this hump. Have you asked him why he’s not as into it at the moment because you have probably fallen in the trap of emotions, conjecture and blaming without hearing what he is saying to you. You are taking this on board as personal and with sex drive it generally has very little to do about your partner but more to do how you feel inside yourself.

 

Post # 11
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’ve been through this.

Hubby used to be always wanting when we were dating, but after getting married and getting a bit older (and a bit chubbier, which we are working on) his sex drive lowered. Strangely, my sex drive when to hyper stage, hahaha.

At first I was really resentful and kept feeling it was my fault (maybe I’m not sexy for him anymore, perhaps he got bored of me) and at some point I ended up doing the same thing as you…which proved to be useless and only made me angrier. What worked for me was a combination between talking and getting creative.I’ll share you my experience briefly, but if you like to discuss more about it feel free to PM me.

When I say talk, I actually mean a long, emotional discussion with him over my needs and his feelings. I discover, through many conversations and after working my way through his layers (impossed by society’s pov that men should always be horny) that he was feeling really discouraged by things around us and it was taking a toll on his self-worth. He felt he wasn’t good enough for me, that he was too fat and there was no way I could find him attractive. He also felt that since he wansn’t working a full-time job (and earning a lot of money) he didn’t deserve me. He knew these thoughts were wrong, but even if he told himself that he couldn’t avoid feeling that way and not getting horny (failing me once again, in his mind). After everything was told and heard, we agreed on having two sexy nights weekly.

I wanted to make sure those sexy nights would be enjoyable for both of us, so I took it a step further and began to study his sexual preferences beyond what he had told me over the years of knowing each other. I also made sure to make those sexy nights something special using candles, music and ocassionally wine. I learned about his fantasies and role-played to make them come true, just as I role-played mine too. In a couple of weeks, two nights became three; and now we have at least 4 sexy times.

So, my advice is to have a deep conversation with him and try to find a middle ground, scheduled sex time or other ways to get that intimate connection. 

 

Post # 13
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

maanksense :  You are welcomed. What I discovered with hubby is that a lot of the reasons why he wasn’t being completely open with me was because he had this idea -probably impossed by society and media- that he shouldn’t be having such problems and hence, it was easier to just hide them. I remember hubby crying when he finally cracked opened and admit he felt he was too ugly for me and sometimes he wondered if I was just pretending to be into him. He had this message that “guy needed to look x or y way to be attractive” and he wasn’t. It is terrible because, as women, we have so maany movements nowadays fighting against misrepresentation of females but very few opposing misrepresentation of males. I wish you lots of good luck and patience, bee. ♥

Post # 14
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

+1 for going back to counseling.  But also, who usually initiates sex when you do have it?  I know a lot of women who wait around for the guy to initiate sex because they want to feel desirable and pursued (which I totally get and is not a bad thing), but if the sex drives are different then that means you could be waiting a long time (which makes you then feel like crap).  If you’re the one wanting sex, are you initiating it?  If not, why?  Are you doing things to make it a fun, lighthearted thing for him or is it more like he’s being pressured into it because it’s what you want?  Is the sex good when you do have it?  There are lots of factors here, so make sure you’re considering them all.

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