Post # 1
Hi Bees! I know this is really lame, but my husband absolutely hates when he misplaces things, and it is really driving me crazy.
He says that when he loses things, he can’t stop thinking about it. We live in a three bedroom house, and we are clean people so it’s not like things are lost in clutter and there are dozens of rooms for it to disappear into. I understand that it bothers him, but it’s getting to the point where I worry about it. A few months ago, he lost his “tuck its”, which are little magnetic things that keep his shirt tucked into his pants at the office. He stayed up until 4am, tearing the house apart looking for them. He complained about it for three weeks, until he found them stuck to a metel bottle of bathroom cleaner, under our sink. That was a weird fluke, and I thought it was a one time deal because they were expensive.
Last night he couldn’t find his headphones, and I woke up at 3am to find him passed out on the couch. I woke him up, and he said he had searched for his headphones for four hours til he fell asleep from exhaustion. The thing is, we own two other pairs of headphones that were sitting right there, and he didn’t even need headphones at that moment. I just don’t understand how he can’t sleep or focus on anything else, until he finds what is missing. Everything always turns up, and I just can’t wrap my head around anything being more important than sleep! 😉
Does anyone else have a hubby/bf that does this? I am trying to be kind, but it worries me that he says he can’t physically sleep until he finds what is lost. All day he has texted me about how upset he is about the headphones, and how he can’t focus at work because he is so tired. I just don’t know how to broach the subject of prioritizing, and how missing headphones we don’t need, aren’t a priority. I just don’t understand.
Advice and input is apprecaited!
Post # 2
I’m like your husband. I never, ever, ever lose anything. Until I do. And I go nuts until I find it.
Maybe he’s like me. I pride myself on never being the person who locks their keys in their car, never forgets things, never misplaces things, and never loses things. I have a system of putting things away, and I’m very neat and organized.
So, when something is misplaced or lost (by me) I go ape shit. I first start thinking somebody ELSE moved it, lol. So, the blame game. But, when I finally retrace my steps and find the lost item I calm down. My poor husband. Poor you.
I usually always find things if I’ve temporarily misplaced (I refuse to admit “lost”) them, I have about a 99% accuracy/recovery rate so far. 🙂 It’s my thing.
Post # 3
jennylynn1425 : is it possible your husband has ADD? My husband does and when he gets fixated on something there is NO breaking his concentration on it. It’s a common misconception that people with ADD can’t focus – sometimes they also can’t break their focus on a task that doesn’t matter. For example my husband once categorized our movies while putting them in moving boxes and drove me bonkers. I told him “babe, it doesn’t matter in the box and right now we need to finish packing. You can do this when you unpack them at the new place”.
Post # 4
jennylynn1425 : Okay, it’s not the same, but I have a very, very anxious little dog who goes berserk if he can’t find the toy he wants. Paces all around, looks in all the places it could be, then looks again. It’s interesting to watch. I bail him out and get it for him.
Back to your hubby. That is an extreme amount of time to look for something, I’m thinking it causes anxiety or like a PP said, ADD? Something. That’s just TOO long to look. On a side note, he’d make a great geocacher!
Post # 5
It seems like an obsessive personality. Maybe borderline ODC? Does he recognize/admit he is going to extremes to find these things?
Post # 6
LilliV : My husband DOES have ADHD, I didn’t even put the two together! He has a lot of trouble focusing, so maybe that was why I was so taken aback by his focus on losing things. Thanks for the advice, it makes way more sense now! Apparently he isn’t crazy, and neither am I. 😉
Post # 7
Plus one on a SO with ADHD who is a hot mess when he can’t find something. Problem is, he doesn’t lose things once in a while but constantly. I remind him to breathe and consider whether The Object in question is such a necessity that all other aspects of life must Stop.
While he’s not in the middle of searching for an item, we’ve discussed practical things like leaving keys on a hook or wallet in a bowl or a separate set of headphones for home and office. Some practical solutions were implemented, others rejected.
Ultimately, for my own peace of mind, I let him obsess as much as he likes and go on about my life. Can’t absorb (or fix) other people’s problems.
Post # 8
HOLY SHIT my Darling Husband does the same exact thing! ADHD as well…. I never put two and two together! Very interesting and I’m glad I stumbled upon this thread…
Post # 9
My husband does this too! It drives me up a wall! I have to watch what I say because if I casually mention I can’t find something he will go off and search for it for hours until he finds it, even if I tell him it’s not a big deal. And he gets super frustrated. He usually finds it though, so that’s a plus.
Post # 10
Haha, this sounds too familiar. My mother and I both have ADHD, and we drive each other nuts with this, so it’s perfectly understandable that it’s frustrating you as well!
Post # 11
My Fiance stresses about stress, before there’s anything to even stress about.
It is exhausting…
& yes…he too loses things like KEYS all the time and it frustrates me, particularly as he always preaches about the importance of things been left in their “spot” hahahahhahahah
God bless them, right?! 🙂
Post # 12
Yup to the ADHD thing. I figured out, a few years back, that the best thing for me to do is just disengage and let him do his thing. I used to try to help look for things and get pissed about his sloppy brain messing up MY tranquility. Then I’d complain about him not keeping better track of his stuff and it would turn into an argument because his stress made me stressed and then my anger exacerbated his stress even more and we’d spiral out.
When I decided to maintain my sense of peace while he tears up his space looking for whatever is the most recent thing he’s lost, our conflicts disappeared.
Once, when we were struggling earlier in our relationship, I wrote to the wife of a man who is an author and filmmaker who discusses his own exeriences with ADHD. They’ve been married for 20 something years and I asked her how she did it (because I’d seen them in interviews together and they were clearly in love and she didn’t seem at all stressed or frustrated by her husband’s ADHD as I was feeling. In fact, she was laughing and sharing some stories of the things he’d done in a way I envied at the time.) She very kindly wrote me back and has remained the image of a happy, healthy wife of an ADHD spouse in the years since. Now, to the best of my ability, I do not take on things that are the result of my husband’s brain differences. It’s a dance of merging with my partner (because I adore him and want to see him happy) and having strong boundaries to care for myself. When he’s lost something (again) I do not stop what I’m doing to look for anything anymore. I do not stress myself about it (no matter how many times he says “Sweetie, have you seen my [blank]?”). If I’ve seen it, I tell him. If I haven’t, I just say no and go back to what I’m doing. I also meditate and take deep breaths (because we are connected and his stress makes me stressed) and focus on not tightening up in my body (lost items and messy spaces trigger anxiety in me). I’ve found that my remaining at ease permeates the space just like his stress does and he usually either finds whatever it is or he at least calms down a bit and sometimes he ends up on a cleaning spree as a result. (I like those).
You didn’t ask for all of that but your post reminded me of how much it used to drive me nuts when my guy lost stuff and freaked out. 😊
Post # 13
jennylynn1425 : my hubby doesn’t do that because he’s a scatterbrain and is constantly misplacing things. If he did what your hubby did he’d never sleep!!!
I do have a dad who behaves like yours when he has lost something. My mum refuses to tell him if something has been misplaced because he won’t give up and he repeatedly searches through our massive outside rubbish bin!!! Its a running joke in our family if you see the bin on its side it means dads lost something…. 😉
I would just let it go. Somethings you just can’t change.
Post # 14
If he’s already diagnosed with ADHD, have him bring it up with his psych. I mean, if it’s just that he’s getting flustered, no biggie, but it sounds like it’s causing distress to a level that’s affecting his quality of life. It’s affecting his sleep, it’s affecting his work – and there’s very likely improvement that could be made by a minor tweak of diet or medication. Why suffer when you can not suffer?
Post # 15
Omg my Fiance does this and it drives me nuts! If he loses something then he will tear the house apart and won’t leave until he finds it. He always blames me for losing it too, sigh, typical! He has magnetic collar stays that he loses all the time which reminds me of your DH! I dunno what to say but if you need to vent I’m here haha!