Hubby loses his mind when he misplaces things, and is making me lose my mind!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m like your husband.  I never, ever, ever lose anything.  Until I do.  And I go nuts until I find it. 

Maybe he’s like me.  I pride myself on never being the person who locks their keys in their car, never forgets things, never misplaces things, and never loses things.  I have a system of putting things away, and I’m very neat and organized. 

So, when something is misplaced or lost (by me) I go ape shit.  I first start thinking somebody ELSE moved it, lol.  So, the blame game.  But, when I finally retrace my steps and find the lost item I calm down.  My poor husband.  Poor you. 

I usually always find things if I’ve temporarily misplaced (I refuse to admit “lost”) them, I have about a 99% accuracy/recovery rate so far.    πŸ™‚  It’s my thing.

Post # 3
Member
7892 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

jennylynn1425 :  is it possible your husband has ADD? My husband does and when he gets fixated on something there is NO breaking his concentration on it. It’s a common misconception that people with ADD can’t focus – sometimes they also can’t break their focus on a task that doesn’t matter. For example my husband once categorized our movies while putting them in moving boxes and drove me bonkers. I told him “babe, it doesn’t matter in the box and right now we need to finish packing. You can do this when you unpack them at the new place”. 

Post # 4
Member
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

jennylynn1425 :  Okay, it’s not the same, but I have a very, very anxious little dog who goes berserk if he can’t find the toy he wants. Paces all around, looks in all the places it could be, then looks again. It’s interesting to watch. I bail him out and get it for him.

Back to your hubby. That is an extreme amount of time to look for something, I’m thinking it causes anxiety or like a PP said, ADD? Something. That’s just TOO long to look. On a side note, he’d make a great geocacher!

Post # 5
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

It seems like an obsessive personality. Maybe borderline ODC? Does he recognize/admit he is going to extremes to find these things?

Post # 7
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

jennylynn1425 :  

LilliV :  

Plus one on a SO with ADHD who is a hot mess when he can’t find something. Problem is, he doesn’t lose things once in a while but constantly. I remind him to breathe and consider whether The Object in question is such a necessity that all other aspects of life must Stop.

While he’s not in the middle of searching for an item, we’ve discussed practical things like leaving keys on a hook or wallet in a bowl or a separate set of headphones for home and office. Some practical solutions were implemented, others rejected.

Ultimately, for my own peace of mind, I let him obsess as much as he likes and go on about my life. Can’t absorb (or fix) other people’s problems.

Post # 8
Member
4027 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

HOLY SHIT my Darling Husband does the same exact thing! ADHD as well…. I never put two and two together! Very interesting and I’m glad I stumbled upon this thread…

Post # 9
Member
3859 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

My husband does this too! It drives me up a wall! I have to watch what I say because if I casually mention I can’t find something he will go off and search for it for hours until he finds it, even if I tell him it’s not a big deal. And he gets super frustrated.  He usually finds it though, so that’s a plus. 

Post # 10
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Haha, this sounds too familiar. My mother and I both have ADHD, and we drive each other nuts with this, so it’s perfectly understandable that it’s frustrating you as well!

Post # 11
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

My Fiance stresses about stress, before there’s anything to even stress about.

It is exhausting…

& yes…he too loses things like KEYS all the time and it frustrates me, particularly as he always preaches about the importance of things been left in their “spot” hahahahhahahah

God bless them, right?! πŸ™‚

Post # 12
Member
6167 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yup to the ADHD thing. I figured out, a few years back, that the best thing for me to do is just disengage and let him do his thing. I used to try to help look for things and get pissed about his sloppy brain messing up MY tranquility. Then I’d complain about him not keeping better track of his stuff and it would turn into an argument because his stress made me stressed and then my anger exacerbated his stress even more and we’d spiral out.

When I decided to maintain my sense of peace while he tears up his space looking for whatever is the most recent thing he’s lost, our conflicts disappeared.

Once, when we were struggling earlier in our relationship, I wrote to the wife of a man who is an author and filmmaker who discusses his own exeriences with ADHD. They’ve been married for 20 something years and I asked her how she did it (because I’d seen them in interviews together and they were clearly in love and she didn’t seem at all stressed or frustrated by her husband’s ADHD as I was feeling. In fact, she was laughing and sharing some stories of the things he’d done in a way I envied at the time.)  She very kindly wrote me back and has remained the image of a happy, healthy wife of an ADHD spouse in the years since. Now, to the best of my ability, I do not take on things that are the result of my husband’s brain differences. It’s a dance of merging with my partner (because I adore him and want to see him happy) and having strong boundaries to care for myself. When he’s lost something (again) I do not stop what I’m doing to look for anything anymore. I do not stress myself about it (no matter how many times he says “Sweetie, have you seen my [blank]?”). If I’ve seen it, I tell him. If I haven’t, I just say no and go back to what I’m doing. I also meditate and take deep breaths (because we are connected and his stress makes me stressed) and focus on not tightening up in my body (lost items and messy spaces trigger anxiety in me). I’ve found that my remaining at ease permeates the space just like his stress does and he usually either finds whatever it is or he at least calms down a bit and sometimes he ends up on a cleaning spree as a result. (I like those).

You didn’t ask for all of that but your post reminded me of how much it used to drive me nuts when my guy lost stuff and freaked out. 😊

Post # 13
Member
4532 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

jennylynn1425 :  my hubby doesn’t do that because he’s a scatterbrain and is constantly misplacing things. If he did what your hubby did he’d never sleep!!!

I do have a dad who behaves like yours when he has lost something. My mum refuses to tell him if something has been misplaced because he won’t give up and he repeatedly searches through our  massive outside rubbish bin!!! Its a running joke in our family if you see the bin on its side it means dads lost something….  πŸ˜‰

I would just let it go. Somethings you just can’t change. 

Post # 14
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

If he’s already diagnosed with ADHD, have him bring it up with his psych.  I mean, if it’s just that he’s getting flustered, no biggie, but it sounds like it’s causing distress to a level that’s affecting his quality of life.  It’s affecting his sleep, it’s affecting his work – and there’s very likely improvement that could be made by a minor tweak of diet or medication.  Why suffer when you can not suffer?

Post # 15
Member
1602 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Omg my Fiance does this and it drives me nuts! If he loses something then he will tear the house apart and won’t leave until he finds it. He always blames me for losing it too, sigh, typical! He has magnetic collar stays that he loses all the time which reminds me of your DH! I dunno what to say but if you need to vent I’m here haha!

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