Post # 1
Question: have any married bees had their husband just “stop trying”? By that I don’t mean he’s not trying to initiate sex but rather he isn’t always using body wash, sometimes he will try to start to make out when he hasn’t brushed his teeth, other times he won’t have put on deodorant yet in the morning. He never has really been a cologne guy either. But he used to really make sure he smelled nice when we were dating and the longer we are together I feel like the worse it has gotten! Am I just a bad wife for not accepting him, smells and all? It’s a turn off for me and I feel like we are less intimate because of the recent changes to his hygiene.
Any advice is welcome and I will be mentioning how I feel to him I just wanted to get some pointers from people who may have dealt with this in the past??
ps. It has only been a little over three months since we got married.
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
If he’s letting his hygiene slip, you need to nip that crap in the bud. Plenty of people change slightly (in wooing attempts, in waistline) after weddings but that’s just nasty.
Post # 3
Eek. We’re not married yet, but that wouldn’t be cool at all with me. Hygiene is really important, married or not.
Post # 4
You can always buy him a few different new deodorants and body washes to try out. If you don’t want him to kiss you before brushing his teeth, just don’t open your mouth. Ask him to please brush his teeth first.
FWIW, there are enough people who are sensitive to the chemicals in colognes and whatnot that it may be really good that he isn’t into them. You never know who is walking down the street nearby, and what might affect them.
Lots of people are a bit self conscious about their grooming, I think you’ll have better results if you tell him how amazing he smells/looks when he’s just stepped out of the shower rather than nagging at him when he hasn’t stepped up his grooming game. Also – if my partner told me I couldn’t cuddle, kiss or come near until I was primped, prepped and deodorized for the day? That would completely hurt my feelings. Early morning bed cuddles are the best!
Post # 5
There are days here and there that DH gets a little lazy and smelly, and he pretty much only wears cologne on special occassions, (he used to wear it a lot more when we were dating). If it’s a once-in-a-while thing, I wouldn’t worry too much about it, (and I have no problem telling DH he needs to go use some “destinkifier,” as we call deodorant for example). But if it’s becoming more often than not, I would have a talk with him to see if it’s laziness, or something more serious like depression.
Post # 6
mcp72614: Do you mean he doesn’t put on deodorant or brush his teeth before morning sex or he doesn’t do it all day?
Post # 7
mcp72614: that would really bother me. Good hygiene isn’t about trying- it’s something he should be doing for himself. This reminds me of someone else who started a thread about moving in with her fiancé and finding out he was content to live in filth and brush his teeth once a day. I think basic hygiene and cleanliness is tied to self respect and self worth. If he wasn’t always slovenly and has recently become that way, I worder if there is an underlying cause. Is it possible he’s depressed?
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
Maybe have a gentle talk that just because you’re married doesn’t mean he has to let go. My husband nicely asked me to wear nicer clothes because I got a bit lazy wearing my pyjamas around the house all the time, so I do now.
Post # 9
WestCoastV: exactly! Good hygiene should be for yourself. I would not be happy if my husband let that go. I hope he can get the hint after a kind and caring conversation about the importance of not giving up after the relationship gets too comfortable. No one wants to have to resort to nagging.
Post # 10
mcp72614: It’s common to start letting go of yourself in marriage, you’ve found the one you want for the rest of your life, but there is no need to lose track of hygiene. Gross. Let him know gently that you would prefer if he put at least deodorant on. My husband is really good about that stuff because he hates to smell. However, I’m the more lazy one. Maybe his old deodorant is giving him a rash and he doesn’t like using it. You could just buy him an assorted pack of deodorant and be like it was on sale? So it is almost like a hint without necessarily being one.
Post # 11
I like the ideas of buying him something to try out a lot!
He isn’t depressed either, he’s pretty easy to read and I’m a nurse so I can pick up on mental or physical illnesses pretty quickly even if he wasn’t an open book, but I would ask if I thought something was bugging him.
The issues arent at any particular time, like this morning we got out of the shower and I was hoping to get intimate and I think he wanted to as well but even after getting out of the shower he smelt like he hadn’t used body soap and hadn’t put on deoderant. I love my husband and want to be close, and like I said, I’m a nurse so I can handle some pretty wicked smells, but it gets me so bummed that he isn’t even doing the little stuff anymore…
Post # 12
mcp72614: That’s weird. Can he have some sort of condition? He shouldn’t smell after he gets out of the shower. Do you think he just stands under the water and doesn’t use soap?
Post # 13
mcp72614: Talk to him! In my (limited) experience, men don’t realise how bad they can smell, and need to be told. Be gentle, but direct, e.g. “You need to go back to using X deodorant.”
As for pre-marriage being different, perhaps he thought of it as a “luxury”, not realising it is an “essential”.
Post # 14
mcp72614: I’m confused. You said, “When we got out of the shower.” Were you in the shower with him? Did he use body wash and still smell bad, or did he not use body wash? If he didn’t use body wash, why didn’t you bring it up while you were in the shower with him?
Post # 15
Hygeine should always be maintained. That said, my husband and I kiss with nasty morning breath all the time. My husband will sometimes wear cologne to make me happy but he isn’t big on it. However, my husband is very clean and often smells of Irish Spring soap.
My husband was letting his appearance slip in our second year. He started wearing track pants all the time and letting a beard grow wildly on his face. He also stopped buying nice clothing and needed to be reminded to get haircuts.
I sat down with my husband and told him that we needed to stay mindful of our appearance for each other. I reminded my husband that I spend a lot of time and money looking cute not only for myself but also for him. Now he looks like the man I fell in love with again.