Huge argument with Future In Laws, I feel like eloping

posted 9 months ago in Family
Post # 31
1217 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

The problem here is that you presented this to his parents like it was a negotiation. You put it forth very wishy-washy and “I don’t know if we want…” which allowed ILs to think that they had a say in your decision. Learn from this and when you make decisions as a couple present them as a fact, not a question. So you say (or more preferably your Fiance if talking to his parents), “We’ve decided not to have children under [such and such age] at our wedding.” Don’t give reasons or explanations because those can be argued with.

So here’s your script:

Fiance: We’ve decided not to have children at our wedding.

Mother-In-Law: *outrage* How could you do that to our grandson? He’s part of the family and he should be there.

Fiance: I’m sorry you feel that way but this is what works best for OP and I and it is not up for discussion. So who do you think will win the Superbowl this year?

If ILs don’t take the hint and keep pushing it:

Mother-In-Law: But faaaaamily!

Fiance: You seem upset so we will be leaving/hanging up now and give you time to process. We’ll talk to you later.

If they still can’t let it go: “We’ve already answered this question. Our decision is final. We will not be discussing it further.” 

Post # 32
3657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

What exactly are you afraid a baby will do at your ceremony and reception? Do you not trust the kid’s parents to remove him from the room if he starts screaming? Are they normally irresponsible people? Does a little bit of baby vocalization actively ruin your Big Day?

smh, and I am pretty much the Queen of “not a Kid person” 

but all of that said, it is your wedding and assuming you are paying doe it all, you may decide who is invited.

Post # 33
9892 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
elizabeck91 :  

Yes, do let your fi deal with this. ( primarily with  his sister and bil, not the parents business really) However, NOT along the lines of ‘op isn’t a baby person ‘ that was a big mistake . And NOT as if he would be happy with it but you won’t have it. 

What you need to do is stop crying and either upfront tell your future in-laws that you don’t appreciate being criticised like an errant teenager and you would not dream of telling them how to behave, so….Or you simply refuse to respond to the issue when they start , ” well, l’m sorry you feel, is there any more quiche left, l’d love some” 

l think they have known you so long and, more to the point,  you were very young when they first knew you, that they feel they can adopt this attitude with impunity. Show them they can’t . Stop crying and acting as if you’ve  been a naughty girl. 

Eloping sounds great, so long as you two don’t act like they made you do it. Good luck 

Post # 34
6969 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
elizabeck91 :  Your in-laws were very wrong to yell and scream at you like they did, and I don’t know why they thought that this was just your issue unless, for some reason, you were the one doing all of the talking? You and your Fiance are allowed to want a childfree wedding. 

However this right here drives me absolutely batty:

“before we could even finish the reason why we were concerned about him being there all day (it’s a long day, its very small and we dont have any rooms at the venue baby could go back to, would SIL and Brother-In-Law be able to enjoy themselves/forced to leave early etc)”

You and your Fiance should’ve just been honest about not wanting a baby at the ceremony. Instead you’re trying to pretend this is all about the baby’s comfort level and making it a fun experience for the parents. It’s not. It never is but these excuses are used ALL THE TIME by brides and grooms to not invite children. It’s disengenous and irritating. Just be honest and say you want a childfree wedding. You’re allowed to want that! It’s your wedding! 

I’m also confused by this sentence: 

“we just think for the ceremony due to the place being so small if we could ask if they’d be comfortable having baby nearby (as in a few meters away) with a relative.”

Do you mean kilometers? Because isn’t a meter just a few feet? I don’t see how that solves any of the problems you’re mentioning. 

Post # 35
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You have pushy parents and are about to acquire very, very pushy in-laws. I suggest you open a thread on Dealing with In-laws (DWIL), where you will find honest help and support from posters who have experienced every sort of in-law and parent problem. They will help you shine your spine, set boundaries, and feel you deserve adult treatment. Great place!

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