Post # 1
Lst. night we saw the movie Dear John. For me it triggered alot of feelings about the proposal or lack there of. In the movie for those who haven’t seen it, the soldier is home for 2wks. falls in love goes back to Germany and promises to come back in 1 yr. After that year, 911 happens and he opts to reenlist thus making her wait ANOTHER 2yrs. on top of the 1yr. she’s already waited. Needless to say she moves on with her life.
My point being perhaps if he proposed and made a “real”commitement she would of waited. So my SO and I got in a huge arguement which he basically said he’s not giving up his 5yr. engagement idea (which I feel is ridiculous,either you want to or ya don’t)even though it means he might lose me. I’m trying to comprimise and say lets set a 2.5yr date from time of engagement but he won’t budge. He says it’s financial and he’s JUST NOT ready. I put an ad in the paper today for an apartment/roomate. I’ve had it. I cried myself to sleep last night and I’m devasted! Any advice bees???????
Post # 3
You might need some time apart to figure things out. I totally understand your frustration. You need to clear your head and figure out if you can become okay with the 5 year plan, if that means staying with Boyfriend or Best Friend. If you can’t accept those terms, either you need to move on or he needs to compromise. But it’s hard to figure all that out when you live together and see each other all the time.
Post # 4
Oh, I’m SO sorry that you’re going through this. If you’re done, you’re done, and you need to do what’s right for you. How long have y’all been together? Also, just for clarification–have you said to him something along the lines of: I’m really not willing to wait that long, so if we can’t find some middle ground, I need to move on with my life? (I’m sorry if you’ve already given this info in previous posts, I just thought it might be easier to ask.) Lots of ((HUGS))
Post # 5
I am so so sorry you are going through this pain but ultimately you need to do what’s best for you! What happens if 5 yrs down the road he’s STILL not ready? I think that if you’ve explained to him how much it means to you to have a more solid commitment and he still does not want to compromise, I would move out and take some time to think. Clear your head and get out of the situation for a bit. He may change his mind or he may not. Either way you’ve made the decision that’s best for YOU regardless of how hard and how much it hurts. You are so strong, so continue to be strong. You deserve someone who is so totally in love with you that they can’t wait to marry you. Good luck!!
Post # 6
I’m so sorry, Sunshine… I remember your previous posts and I was hoping he had changed his mind. I think it’s good for you that you’re doing something proactive to make you feel better and I wish you all the best. ((((hugs))))
Post # 7
i really admire your strength. It takes a confident person to be able to step outside the relationship, look at it objectively, and think, “is this acceptable?”. Good for you!
Post # 8
I think you are doing the right thing. HE goes from buying a ring to wanting 5 years? I think getting out on your own is the best thing you can do for you and your relationship right now. If he wants you back as his roommate, it should be as his wife.
Post # 9
I am sorry he’s so unwilling to compromise! If I were you, i would make all the moves to move out (check out the craigslist in your area if you haven’t already. I’ve found my last 3 super awesome places on there!). Explain to him that while you love him, you need commitment, forward momentum, and to know he wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. If he is unwilling to move from his 5 year plan and compromise to keep you…well…that tells you everything you need to know about his stance on your relationship. In the meantime, start packing, spend mroe time away from your shared apartment, and have him sleep on the couch.
Good luck! *hugs*
Post # 10
That sucks! I’m sorry your going throught this! I second what msmdphd said, if you have already told him “if we can’t compromise then I can’t stay” and he said “I’m not compromising” then I think thats a good indicator that you both need time apart/move on. It’s of course easier to say than do… But… There are other fish in the sea, one that has the same time frame as you maybe?
Post # 11
You are making the right decision. I wish you luck!!!! If he cant compromise and he knows hes running the risk of losing you… thats a big flag for me.
Post # 12
Ok, I remember now–sorry I’m a little slow. I take back my questions and just reassert–if he knows that without compromise you’re gonna go, and he still won’t compromise, it’s time to go. You’ve got to take care of yourself, and you’re strong, and you will be fine! ((HUGS))
Post # 13
I think it’s definitely a good idea to take some time by yourself – you’re very strong to do this!
Post # 14
you cannot make plans like that 5 years down the line – a lot of circumstances may change btwn then and now to influence someone’s choices. I can see having a goal, like “let me finish my last year of grad school before we get married” but not “let’s have another discussion at a random time 5 years in the future”. Not a fair thing to say. Maybe a little time apart will make things more clear, either way. Good luck to you!
Post # 15
I think getting your own place is a great idea. Nothing like a little space to clear your head to make the best decision you can. I am not saying what I think the decision should be—only you know that—just that it will be easier to make it without all this tension hanging over your head. Good luck and I am proud of you for being so strong in doing this. Just take it one step at a time.
Post # 16
I’m sorry 🙁
How old are you two? Are you both done with school?
I agree with you that there is no reason (other than being very young and still in school) that there should ever be a 5 year engagement.
Are you two engaged yet and he wants to make the wedding date 5 years from now or is he saying if and when he ever does propose, he wouldn’t want to get married for 5 years?
I don’t know anything about your situation other than what you said, but in all honesty, it sounds like he doesn’t want to make the commitment. Five years is so far down the road that it seems like he is stringing you along… and if you living together, why buy the cow when you already get the milk for free.