(Closed) Huge blowout about proposal………I think I’m done!

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

just to be fair, you’re both giving each other ultimatums.. “propose or we’re breaking up!” “wait five years or we’re breaking up!”  what ever happened to  compromise, or waiting until the right time, or just enjoying being together? 

Post # 33
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee

@staceyreeves: reread her post.. she did write that she asked him to compromise (2.5 years instead of 5)

Post # 34
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

oh lord what do i say.to ask you to wait 5 yrs after already having your ring for 2.5 yrs is a bit rediculous and cruel.i think u mentioned that he was once married and got burned.he also says it finacial,maybe it partly  is.i believe that he may want such a long egagement because during that five yrs period if u guys dont work out he wont have to go through the divource process again.i believeit is truly unfair.u also mentioned that he was a good man (which is so hard to find)so here lies ur dilema.living togther for the next five yrs wouldnt that be considered a commonlaw marriage?wouldnt u also be entitled if things went wrong to  spousal support.u may not be thinking along those lines but u have to way the pros and cons of this relationship.if living togther after all that time and u have invested emotinonaly and finacially and u may still end up with nothing maybe you should think of having your own place so you wont totally feel like u need to get married.u also have to think of the example u are setting for  your daugther.in the end u have to decide if staying togther in the same home will be more harmful to the relationship or not.i hope he comes around and if he doesnt i hope u make the right decision.maybe separate aboads might help but only u can kn how this would affect him men are different and it may do more harm than good to the relationship.good luck

Post # 36
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you nailed it when you said you either want to or you dont.  He should know whether he wants to marry you.  I am so happy that you are staying strong.  You deserve the best and if that means moving on then thats what you have to do, even if its just to clear your head!!!

Good luck  Keep us posted!

Post # 37
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I commend you on your strength sunshine…as most bees have said you are def doing the right thing for you…I really dont think he realizes that he is going to loose you and when he finally does realize it, it may be too late. Way to hold your ground on this one. Good luck with everything…and you always have the bees to talk to!

Post # 38
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I think all i have to add is that I am sorry you are having to go  through this. I can only imagine how hard a decision you are making and how painful this is. I send you positive thoughts and energy to know that you will make the best decision you can for yourself and you daughter. I agree that you deserve someone that can and will commit to you, for whatever reason that may not be him right now.

Post # 39
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hopefully he will see how strong you are and realize he is making a big mistake by being so dang stubborn.  I think that if it’s meant to be, he’ll get his stuff together and compromise, if he is not willing to work with you on this, then what about the bigger things down the road that require working together on?  Best of luck to you.. like the other bees said, you deserve someone who will be excited to marry you!

Post # 40
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2004

I am older so my wisdom may be hard to take but I have a 25 year old daughter and a 23 year old son and would write this to them if they were in your situation. I just hope you won’t mind if I address the fact that your SO has been married before, that you have a child and that you live together. These facts could be having an impact on his decisions and yours as well. Please allow me to explain what I mean.

If your SO’s marriage failed because he had an ex-wife with problems, then he may really not want to take another chance at marriage for awhile. If the marriage failed because your SO may have relationship issues then you may want to think long and hard before marrying him. Many times divorced people bring the same issues to a new relationship and ultimately to a new marriage. Unless you know first hand who was the problem, be cautious in believing everything he may have told you to defend his innocence. Your love for him may keep you from seeing his less than desireable traits and cause you to beieve what he tells you. When a couple gets engaged they are saying we are ready to marry. Finances and previous realtionships should not be part of his decision making after that. Right now you are both living and spending the same amount of money as a couple only without a marriage certificate. Is it going to cost your SO more money to have a wife then a live in girlfriend? Many times men are interested in keeping a relationship on their terms. It is selfish and unfair to their partners.

Secondly, you want to examine why you would consider staying in the relationship. Right now you are unhappy with or without a ring and a wedding date that he says will happen in 5 years. Sometimes women, young and old, tend to “settle” because of their individual circumstances. Whether it be that a woman is overweight, not the most beautiful or who comes as a package deal because of a child (children are blessings). Please don’t think that you will never find someone that will want you. There could be someone else if you chose to date again. It would be better to wait for a more compatible partner or even remain single for awhile than to stay with someone who just doesn’t see commitment the same as you do. How many other items do you not see eye to eye on? Be honest with yourself. As difficult as it is to not have an SO, it is more difficult living with someone who considers their needs first.

An ideal relationship should consist of the man working to make his woman happy while the woman works to please her man. That way, no person in the realtionship is neglected. However, if your man is working to make himself happy and you are working to please him then who is tending to your needs?

Lastly, I think living together is such a bad idea for anyone who hopes to get married one day. So many wonderful (and some not so wonderful) men may not end up marrying their girlfriends or fiances once they start living together. Why would they want to get married when in their minds they have the closest situation to a real marriage except that they can pack up and leave whenever they want with no strings attached. It’s a perfect life for men of all ages where they “have their cake and eat it too.” I always thought my father was so out of touch with the current ways. But he told me something as a man that I really beieve is universal among all men who live with girlfriends or fiances. He used to say “why would a man want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?”

Breaking up could be the best thing at this point. Your SO may learn that he doesn’t want to be without you. This may or may not happen overnight. My friend’s son lived with his girfriend for 5 years without giving her a committment. It was a year after she left him that he begged her to take him back. They married that same year.

A relationship should be working for both people. It should not be one sided. You will have to decide if you will continue being unhappy in the relationship hoping that you will get married or decide if you are strong enough to be unhappy temporarily while you get used to your new life without your SO. If you have ever been through a break up then you know the heartbreak passes. We cry, we grieve, we move on.

So get “your ducks in a row” be brave and try to stay in your home where you can continue to cut hair. Just focus on what will be best for you and your future.

 

 

Post # 41
Member
767 posts
Busy bee

Rox,

Why would a woman want to buy a pig when all she wants a little sausage?

I wouldn’t have married men I dated because, well, all I wanted from them I was getting.  But if they had played hard to get, I still wouldn’t have married them – because I didn’t want to marry them

I’m not marrying my Fiance because he won’t put out otherwise and he isn’t marrying me for that reason either – we’re living together and he had every reason to believe I’d keep living with him for years more – but he proposed anyway.  Why?  Because he wants a commitment from me, he wants to be married.  Many men want to get married.  I think it’s very false to talk as if all men don’t want marriage and this is just a natural and unavoidable part of maleness – that’s not true at all.  I think the OP deserves someone who will want to marry her.

I agree with you totally about settling and there always being other options.  I even agree with you that a woman who wants marriage and is in love with a man that doesn’t want to marry her should move out and break up.  But I don’t think living together has a thing to do with it.  People should live together because they want to for as long as they want to.  I wouldn’t have married someone who refused to live together with me.

Post # 42
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

@Arachna THANK YOU!  I was reading through that previous post thinking almost exactly what you wrote.  There are lots of posts on the boards about living together vs. not living together, and we’re all generally pretty supportive of one another’s choices.  What’s right for one bee is not necessarily right for another.  But to insinuate that all men want from marriage is the benefits and that none of them enjoy and relish the beauty that is committing your life to another person is just sexist and completely ridiculous.  And, to insinuate to the OP that the reason her SO is acting like a jerk is because she chose to move in with him before marriage is, quite frankly, mean.  If a man wants to marry you, he wants to marry you regardless of your milk and whether he’s paying for it (I really hate that analogy, btw.  We’re not cows.)  And to make a woman in this situation feel that it is something SHE has done to elicit this kind of behavior from her SO is completely inappropriate.  @Sunshine–You are doing the right thing.  I can’t tell you why he’s behaving this way, but you need to what’s right for you, and I admire your strength.  Lots of ((hugs)) from the hive!

Post # 43
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

No, mrsmdphd we are not cows. It’s an analogy, a figure of speech. I was comparing the act of giving of your time, energy, love freely and not getting anything in return or the act of someone knowing that they have to do the bare minimal because they know that you are going to give your all regardless. I was  merely trying to sugarcoat my entire message while making sure I got my point across to her. I think that she needs to face the hard truth and realize that this man is trying to reap benefits without the commitment. 
We are all adults here, I think it’s OK to speak from experience and give our opinions. My opinion is that she is giving too much. I also feel that she should discontinue living with him. He seems to be selfish and controlling and is clearly playing with her emotions.

YES, everyone is different. She asked for opinions from all of us; not just you and we gave it. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Who knows. All I know is that what she’s currently doing, is not working and if she keeps doing the same thing she is going to get the same results. Oh. and I’m sorry you hate the analogy, I dislike a lot of stuff that I read on here, but I don’t feel that it’s necessary to even post back and claim that I don’t like it, I mean, who really cares what I like or dislike…. 

I don’t think we come on here asking for others opinions just to hear someone tell us what they feel we want to hear. You can tell yourself a lie and a lot of us do just that we lie to ourselves. I know I have lied to myself many times and until I faced the truth, I made the same mistakes over and over again. I simply had to find another way of handling my situation. Most of us that come on here want to hear what others have to say. I apologize if I offended you or anyone else in any way. That wasn’t my intent. My response was actually meant for sunshine, I’m sorry that you took it personally.

Rox, I think that was very well put. And Sunshine8, I promise you that I am not trying to hurt your feelings, it’s just that, I was you years ago and I know what you are feeling and I know what you are going through. Don’t let the fact that you have a child make you feel that you have to settle. This man has some unresolved issues. Leave him to deal with them. Take your daughter and run! Make her your main focus and you will surely receive unconditional love in return. Your new husband is out there and he is going to be ecstatic to find the two of you. Good Luck!

Post # 44
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ MandieHoward. I complete agree with what you said… and I applaud you. Many people come on here thinking that people will sugar coat things for them, but the truth is that what rea friends do is provide honesty and feedback.

Well said.

Post # 45
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m just really sorry that you’re having to go through this….just do some deep thinking about your life and what you want for you and for your child.  If you’re not getting what you need and there is no compromise in sight, you’re honestly doing yourself a favor.  Marriage is all about compromising and being sensitive to each other’s needs.  If he can’t do that now, he can’t do that when you’re married, and he has more work to do on himself before he could ever make someone truly happy.  I’ll pray for you, though!!! 

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