(Closed) Huge breakdown – Scared that bf wants to break up now

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sorry it was AWFUL of him to leave you and not even tell you?  And then he left you when you were that upset?  idk  I think you need to evaluate if you want to be with HIM.  Yes, counseling is a grea idea.  Honestly if he’d leave over a meltdown once in 3 years of crying and throwing your phone at the ground, will he be there for you when things are a lot worse?  

idk I think it sounds like he isn’t very supportive. 

Post # 17
Member
11652 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

irinaaa:  glad you will be going to therapy, your reaction would be terrifying to others. BUT. I know you don’t want to hear this, but what your bf did by leaving you without a word and taking your phone and purse with him was really immature and irresponsible. The way he reacts to youR feelings is also troubling. It doesn’t sound like he respects you. 

You deserve to feel safe and you need to work on your own stability so that you are not reacting like you did. Good luck, bee. I hope you feel better soon.

Post # 18
Member
774 posts
Busy bee

irinaaa: I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. Regarding therapy and childhood trauma, I do not have a lot of experience in that and cannot make any advice to you on it. But I do understand extreme emotional outbursts (thanks to some very severe PMDD). The key to those is learning how to manage them and head them off before you get to extreme levels. For me, this is prayer and purposefully staying by myself (isolating) until I have calmed down. I am grateful to hear that your “head explosions” ๐Ÿ™‚ are not often, but if you say you have been feeling really on edge lately (not in the best mood were your words), then time to yourself to deal, resolve, and emerge again might be really good for your happiness, as well as your relationship. Think about what YOU need right now to make yourself your BEST self, and then call your Boyfriend or Best Friend or write him a letter to let him know how you have decided to handle things. Hopefully he will see that as proactive and reassuring that it is not added stress on him that he has to take on your emotional health. He may see that you are capable of handling yourself in a better fashion from now on.

He may not, however. At least you will still have your own gameplan. If he stays great, if he doesn’t, don’t let that hurt derail you from improving yourself. Use the time to focus on you. Either he will be back, or the next guy will get to benefit from your hard work being the type of person you want to attract. In the end, the right person for you is the one who can see your worst and not be scared off. That may not be the current bf. But it will be somebody. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck bee! 

Post # 20
Member
9100 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would have left you after the first incident. Life is too short to constantly spend in fear that my significant other might hurt themselves at the drop of a hat if we fight or argue or something bad happens. However, I think it’s excellent that you’re going to seek therapy. You need to better yourself for you and because of it you’ll make your relationship stronger. Feel better.

Post # 21
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

irinaaa:  I used to have some pretty intense breakdowns like you.  I also have some PTSD issues.  Seeing a therapist did help me some, and I think you definitely should look into that.  

I would also suggest taking a good look at your relationship. If there is one thing I have learned, it is that the “right” guy will not make you feel so insecure and out of control that you are having breakdowns to that extreme.  Your partner may be treating you with disrespect more often than you realize.

Good luck.

Post # 22
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

Soon2ElopeBee:  this +1,000

OP, I’m glad your SO walked away when he did (to go the bach party). If he stayed back and coddled you and rocked you till you calmed down, he would have been rewarding your bad behavior and given you exactly what you wanted. Only to teach you that if something’s not going your way, you can throw a fit and he will drop all of his emotions to cater to yours, just like a child. I know you’re going through a difficult time and I’m glad you recognize it’s time to get help. But throwing tantrums or episodes like this when you have an argument IS manipulative towards your SO (even if it’s not intended to be). Who knows, maybe he won’t leave you because he’s AFRAID to leave you. He’s afraid of what you’ll do to yourself. Afraid of the guilt he’ll feel for leaving you when  you’re so emotionally unstable and “need him” the most. Afraid of being another person who abandons you.

That’s not fair to him. He needs to feel like he can walk away from this relationship safely at anytime for any reason. Obviously, that’s not the intended goal for a relationship but you cannot guilt or scare someone into staying with you. He is not your mother. Do not deflect your fears of your mother leaving onto him. That is not his responsibility and it is not fair to him at all. I understand it’s only been 2 episodes but it’s been 2 very scary episodes. I understand you want his support and you think it would be terrible of him to leave you when you *need* him so much right now but…. it’s not fair to be dependent on him like that. You need to *need* yourself in these situations. He cannot help you with your problems. He cannot fix your past and he cannot be put on a pedestal and be tasked with teaching you that people can love you and will not leave you. You need to learn that on  your own… not use him as proof of it. Because when you put that much pressure on him to be your “knight in shining armor” your world will completely fall apart all over again if this relationship were to not work out. You need to be your own savior.

Post # 23
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

irinaaa:  I would suggesting booking an appointment with a therapist now so that when he returns home from the batchelor party, you can say that you have booked an appointment to see a therpist, that way he can see that you are making an effort, and not just mindlessly saying you will book an appointment. Actions speak louder than words, so I would definately consider booking it before he returns home. I don’t mean actually having the appointment before he arrives home, thats way too short of a time line, but just penciling one into your calendar ๐Ÿ™‚

On another note, I don’t think he left you there on purpose to make you sad/angry, i’m sure he was just trying to be efficient! ๐Ÿ™‚ Always try to look at the positive side of things, people generally don’t do things just to piss others off, they are typically just doing what they think is right.

Post # 24
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

ChrissyMary9515:  ‘bad behaviour’, ‘tantrum’? 

she has a mental health issue that is reoccuring because of childhood abuse and abandonment. he KNOWS that leaving and abandonment are a trigger for her, and yet jumps to ‘fine, i’m leaving you’ when they fight. 

she has admitted that she can’t control the ‘explosion’ and that she knows she needs help. 

she’s not a bratty child whining for ice cream – she is a person with a mental health issue who is vulnerable right now and needs help and support to seek treatment and be healthy and whole again. 

it’s not like she wrote ‘look at how i’ve manipulated my boyfriend!’ with pride. she also states that this has happened twice in 3 years total – not exactly a pattern. 

have some empathy. 

OP – good for you for acknowledging the issue and pledging to get help. I hope that you and your partner can attend some therapy together so that you can develop a treatment and coping plan that works for both of you. 

Post # 25
Member
2734 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

peonyinlove:  Yes, I understand that. And I said, while it’s NOT INTENTIONAL, it’s still manipulative. I know it’s a mental health issue but short of HER getting help HERSELF, she cannot expect her bf to be able to do anything else. She also doesn’t say that he “jumps to ‘i’m leaving you'” everytime they have a fight. He said it once and she hurt herself. This time, he physically left but he had reason to. He never said he was “leaving her” this time. I do have empathy and I hope she gets the help she needs. But I also sympathize with the boyfriend. While this is mental health issues and out of her control (at the moment) it is still equivalent of a form of a “tantrum” to get a desired result. She saw her loved one slipping away during a fight and her brain flipped a switch and had her go into a childlike tantrum to attempt to keep the boyfriend (similar to her mother) from leaving her.

Don’t twist my words.

Post # 26
Member
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Therapy obviously, yes. But I second those who are suggesting that you consider leaving him. Him leaving you stranded for 20 minutes without telling you where he was going (or THAT he was going) is horrible & his reaction to your troubles is…troubling. It sounds like you really need to focus on yourself right now, and it doesn’t sound like your partner is very emotionally supportive of you. 

Post # 27
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

ChrissyMary9515:  i think the part i found particularly cruel was that you said you were ‘glad’ that he didn’t stay and calm her down, make her feel better etc. as if she deserved to feel angry, scared, alone etc as a sort of punishment. 

that may not be what you meant, but it’s how that read to me. if i am wrong, my apologies.

and sure, her reactions and behaviour need treatment and changing, she certainly admits that. but that’s a longer term goal which can’t be achieved right away. the short term goal, for a loving partner would be ‘wow, my partner is out of control, emotional and clearly needs some help right now’. 

what if she had been suicidal? should the boyfriend have left to avoid ‘giving her what she wanted’ so that she couldn’t manipulate him? no, you call 911 and make sure that the person you love is safe, and then you deal with the treatment options etc.

i think we largely agree – i also don’t think her behaviour is fair to her partner, or healthy. 

 

Post # 28
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

irinaaa:  I’m glad you’re seeking therapy, I think it will help you in many ways. If your Boyfriend or Best Friend does break up with you, please don’t see it as “I wasn’t good enough, he didn’t love me enough, I’m not worth sticking around for” — that’s not it. The fact is, grownups are responsible for themselves. He did not cause your issues and he can not fix your issues. Your job in life is to take care of yourself which you are doing by starting therapy. His job in life is to take care of himself, which might require separating from you. Maybe not — maybe he is the type of person who can take care of himself while you are doing the same. But if not (and I have to admit, I am not that type — I would have to leave) it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that nobody will ever love you. It just means you need to focus on you and he needs to focus on him.

Best wishes.

ETA: Oh yeah, I forgot about the leaving with your purse part. Dick move. HUGE total dick move on his part. Even without your background of abandonment issues, who would do that??? And then act like you were the one over-reacting for being upset… Nope. He was 100% wrong for that.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 30
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

Your Boyfriend sounds horrible!  Honestly, I would have left him after the first episode. He seems like an uncaring jerk.

I have an abusive mother too. About a week after I started dating my Fiance we were driving home from a date and I realized I’d be getting back 10 minutes after my curfew. My mother used to punish those type of infractions by throwing out my clothing, destroying my belongings, or forbidding me the use of running water. I lost my mind; I had a full blown panic attack and started sobbing and hyperventilating. I got so upset he had to pull over so I could get out and vomit up the wonderful dinner we’d just had. He didn’t get angry and he didn’t panic. He rubbed my back and told me it was okay and then he loaded me back into his car and drove me to his house because he said he would never ever allow me to be in a situation where I didn’t feel safe. THAT is how your boyfriend should have reacted. 

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