(Closed) Huge breakdown – Scared that bf wants to break up now

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 91
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

irinaaa:  I feel like I can relate to you based on what I have read.  I always knew deep down whether a relationship was right for me or not… even if I refused to admit it.  With my relationship with my ex, I stayed because I feared being “abandoned” and I was petrified of being single at 28.  I let it drag on and finally it imploded in a very dramatic fashion and had to end.

Obviously it is impossible to know the ins and outs of someones relationship based on an online post – but he sounds like my ex in the sense that he will leave you hanging and not contact you and then be vaguely sorry about it.  It almost seems like he doesn’t want to necessarily stay but he doesn’t know for sure if he wants to break up either.  You sound like a smart girl who knows you need to make some serious changes but is afraid to because you don’t want to leave your comfort zone.

Again, I may be totally off, but that is how I read into it. 

Until I walked away from a mediocre-at-best relationship with my ex and met someone who is perfectly capable of reassuring me that he loves me when I have a moment of doubt – I did not know what love was. My ex would almost enjoy making me suffer and he made me feel like a scared little girl.  In fact, I hated my life during the majority of the relationship.

Find a therapist in your area and just go.  It may help you figure out your relationship.

I will caution you – as I began to get mentally “tough” my ex got harder to deal with.  Emotionally manipulative men cannot deal with strong women.

All the best to you, OP!  Focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, and being a strong, happy woman.

Post # 92
Member
3244 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

devi514:  I agree with everything you said. I was going to type something fairly similar. OP the guy is shamefacedly telling you what you want to hear and you are too afraid to do the thing you know you should do deep down inside. Break up with a guy who will never ever give you what you need. Not because he can’t. But because he is too selfish to even want to. Move on. There’s real love out there if you are brave enough to go find it.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  Yipeebee.
Post # 93
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

Yipeebee:  I haven’t read the whole thread but th biggest part. I agree with most people here who say she should get therapy and her bf should have been more supportive. BUT now that she talked to him he seems supportive IMO. None of us can tell if he really will do what he says they will do (work on communication etc.), so now we cannot judge. At this point, her bf cannot do anything right in the opinion of many Bees here. If he told her he doesn’t want to work on anything and she can take it or leave it, Bees would say ‘What a douche, leave him now’, now that he told her he wants to work on it, Bees say ‘He’s a liar and just tells you what you want to hear’. I think there is absolutely the possibility that he’s NOT lying and that the relationship actually IS very important to him, unless the OP says that her boyfriend often didn’t keep his word in the past (which she didn’t).

Post # 94
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Honey, I am BEGGING you to not listen to anyone on this forum. You don’t need anyone online, you need to go see someone professional. There are some very nice souls on this website, but on this thread I’ve seen some ugly, ugly people that do not understand mental illness whatsoever. 

I’ve been there. I’ve suffered from depression for years ontop of other issues. Your current boyfriend sounds like my past boyfriends. They just don’t know how to cope or understand. My fiance DOES. He takes time with me, calms me down, holds me when I have breakdowns. He also suffers from the same things, so we know how to be there for each other. This current boyfriend doesn’t seem like the one to do this and take the time for you. I do believe there is someone out there for you that will understand your past and help you cope, as you get help and therapy. It’s a different type of guy, but he’s out there. 

Post # 95
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

The thing is everyone is different. My Fiance, we have been together 4 years now. Our first 8 months or so was distance (its own issue) but he did not know how to deal with my emotions, he would just shut down. He was brought up in a family that while loving each other arent overly affectionate and emotionally reserved. I was very needy emotionally, while it was easier for him to detatch because he just didnt know how to deal with it. Slowly over time, we have a happy medium. I have some anxiety issues, granted mostly in the background, but I am conscious of how I deal with them, and he is supportive when I need it. I am so glad I didnt just give up because he didnt get it at the beginning. People grow together, and if issues arent discussed, the guy will more often than not think its a one off, ok thats over, and let it go.

I dont know what your relationship is like otherwise, but if you want to work on it, work on it. Dont just throw it away. If you try to work on it and it goes nowhere, then reevaluate.

All the best 🙂

 

 

Post # 96
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I hope that everything works out for you, dear. I have had a very bad temper. I also had an unhappy childhood, locked for hours in the cold and dark garage for “misbehaving” which was laughing and playing with my sisters. I am the most “normal” one, which is not totally normal to me. My older sis has a short term memory problem from being beaten so much. My younger sister needed to be in special education classes, but my mom did not want her to be “labeled” as a person with issues. So, she never got the help that she needed and has always been behind. Now she is struggling to take care of herself. This is the tip of the iceberg… But, I had all of those issues, plus relationship, financial, and other issues when I met Darling Husband. He was like the first cool sip of water after walking through the desert for nearly a week! He saw me lash out and lose it, and he even thought that I was crazy. He never left nor threatened to leave. He was very supportive, and he is glad that he stayed. He has seen the worst in me, and now he usually only sees the best. It took many years for me to work on my temper. I did not have therapy, but I do think that it would have helped. 

I hope that this man will do what he says… I just want you to be prepared, because he cannot change into a new person. My Darling Husband was never cold. He accepted me flaws and all. That is what you need. You should not have to be walking on eggshells and worried that he will leave. If he brings out the worst out in you, that will not change in the future. Good luck to you dear, and take care of yourself!

Post # 97
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

irinaaa:  I used to have these breakdowns too, now they are few and far between. What helped me was DBT;

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a cognitive behavioral treatment that was originally developed to treat chronically suicidal individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it is now recognized as the gold standard psychological treatment for this population.

Its not only for those with borderline personality disorder ( I don’t have it) it helps you learn skills that can help you before a breakdown happens.  It’s usually done in a group setting, if you can’t find a private group check out your local university’s Psychology department, best of luck, I totally understand. (If you don’t have insurance or a ton of $$ the university classes are usually around 10-15 dollars)

Post # 98
Member
8 posts
Newbee

First of all, I’m so sorry you are going through this- it’s never nice to be in a position where your future depends on somebody else’s decision to break up with your or not. However, you have more power and strength in you than you know, you just need a little help finding them and learning how to use them. If your boyfriend truly loves you (which I am sure he does), he will be understanding and supportive, but it will take time for your both to learn how to deal with certain behaviours. Living with certain conditions is certainly very hard, but it can also be hard at times to support someone who has a condition. Sounds like you need some therapy and an open conversation with your other half. I’m sure you guys will be OK and eventually you will learn how to control certain felling and emotions as well as your fear of being left…  Good luck and pleas try to stay strong! Xx

Post # 99
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

irinaaa:  Please don’t leave yourself in this harmful, toxic relationship.  I’m not sure where you’re living right now city-wise, but I know how hard it is to find a good therapist for these kinds of problems.  I got lucky.  After being fed up with my old therapists who weren’t helping me I did a google search and decided to just randomly pick one and give them a shot. I got so lucky and I still see her a few years later from time to time when I need it.

I had to break up with my boyfriend and honestly leave with no promise of returning if he changed.  It was so hard. I honestly believe it was the best thing I’ve ever done though.  Please don’t subject yourself to years of torture.  Get the help you need and ditch the scrub.

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