- 8 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
Long story short is this… well it is really a long story…
One of my best friends has known my fiance long before we started dating. They have never liked each other or gotten along particularly well. Over the years I have convinced both of them to make ammends as it affects our day to day lives as a couple. There have been efforts from my both my buddy and my fiance, but they always end up hating oneanother again.
Both my friend and fiance have had legit reasons for being angry with oneanother and over the years and I eventually just accepted that they will never get along. Although i would like it if they could at least socialize, my fiance has evolved to the point that she will never go anywhere where he will be and this has worked for the most part.
This never really bothered me until we got engaged and I knew it would be trouble for wedding planning. My fiance and I discussed my hated friend and she agreed that he could come to the wedding.
I then made a mistake and asked my friend to be in the wedding party without discussing with her (fiance). When i told her and she was upset, I apologized and agreed that I should’ve discussed with her first, but said that he is one of my closest and longest friends and I ultimately think I should be able to pick my groomsmen. Afterall, i am not the type of person who ever “hates” on anyone- no matter what good reason I may have. I am always a “forgive and forget” guy so i can’t really even relate to this personality difference. After discussion, she begrudgingly agreed that he can be in the wedding party if I garunteed he would be on his best behaviour. Knowing him and his bad blood with my fiance, I had actually discussed his expected behavior in great deal when I invited him into the wedding party and he assured me that he would not cause any problems.
Anyway…. Now, my fiance has started flipping out after she recently ran into my friend at her work. She has decided that she is too stressed about having him at the wedding (let alone in the wedding party). She says him being there will ruin her day and threaten the entire wedding. She has now gone so far as to say that if I don’t uninvite him, the wedding is off.
WTF am i to do?
It’s not really about my buddy… push comes to shove I am more concerned with the marriage then the wedding, so she can have the day however she wants.
the problem is I cant help but think that she is being totally irrational and that this is the tip of the iceberg. I have offerred to compromise and boot him from the wedding party, but even that is not good enough for her. She wants him 100% prohibitted from the wedding.
She DOES have very legit reasons to not want him there, but ultimately he is a very good friend to me. If I cut him from the wedding then he will be cut from my life as far as I am concerned. I dont think that is a fair expectation form a wife. Am I wrong?
Thoughts/Comments/Advice?? PLEASE HELP ME.
AFTER READING A FEW RESPONSES (thank you btw).. HERE IS SOME CLARIFICATION:
1. By saying her issues are legit, I am giving her a bit of the benefit of the doubt. If she feels they are legit, then that is good enough for me which is why over time I just let it go that they were never going to get along well. Most of the issues are from years and years ago when we all knew each other as teenagers and young adults. Bad blood due to name calling/bad taste jokes/obnoxiousness etc… nothing too serious as far as I am concerned. He doesnt particularly give her much respect, but she doesn’t give it to him either. They are both too sensitive toward each other becuase they both like to hold grudges! I have never really taken sides…especially since they never liked each other from before, but when I have deemed one or the other to be to blame I have spoke my mind toward the one ebing “bad” though. When both are at fault, I have said I wont get involved.
2. As for fundamental differences in values: it’s true, we do have some differences. We are very much an “opposite attracts” type couple. That said, my friend (with the exception of a bad attitude toward my gf/now fiance) has been an amazing, supportive, shirt off your back type friend to ME. My fiance has been the same… I love them both in many ways!
3. As for her insisting he is not in the wedding… i mean not AT the wedding at all. As in completely uninvited. I am willing to compromise and get him out of the wedding party, but she insists he cannot be there at all and has said she will call off the wedding and “dump” me if I won’t uninvite him. She doesn’t feel I have her back, obviously, but at the same time she doesn’t know all the times I have given my buddy shit and to what extent and in particular the lengths I went to discussing the wedding with him and laying the groundwork for him to be included and make ammends with my fiance. I’ve tried to tell her, but she doesn’t beleive me since there have been times I have taken his side and the history here stretches over such a long period (and Ias I mentioned, she hold a grudge like a champ).
I suggested we avoid the whole hassle and take off and eloupe (which we discussed in the first place because I knew that problems like this might arise and stress her to the max because she is a hot head and our families are different, our friends are different, our temperments are different etc etc). To me- if I am still wanting to get married and she does to… isn’t it about the marriage and not the wedding?