(Closed) HUGE disagreement threatening the wedding over whether a friend should be invite

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Honestly my answer to your question would depend on what her reasons were for hating him so much.  The biggest question I have here is why the two of you are so out of sync over this guy- she can’t stand to be in the same room with him but you consider him to be one of your best friends?  To me this indicates that you might not share the same values about some important stuff- but without knowing what he’s done I can’t judge.  I mean, if he just is a little crude and drinks a bit much but generally knows how to behave when told, then yes she is being irrational and she should compromise.  If he’s a raging alcoholic who gets in fights and has cussed her out on multiple occasions, then I think you would need to stand by her and exclude him.  It all depends on the situation…

Post # 4
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

At first glance I’d say she is really overreacting and you should be able to have your friend at the wedding BUT you twice mentioned the fact that she has a good reason for not wanting him there. I guess its hard to say she is overreacting without knowing the seriousness of the issue. Maybe you are downplaying just how serious their issues with one another are. So without knowing the “good” reason behind her dislike for him, its hard to say she is overreacting.

Post # 5
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

You’ve made it clear in this post that, whatever it is that this friend did to your Fiance was bad enough for her to have ‘very legit reasons to not want him there’.

Based on that alone, even though I don’t know what it is that he said/did to her, if I were you, I wouldn’t compromise your relationship with your Fiance over a friend who has done something hurtful to her. If you do love her, is it even a question for your to consider jeopardize your future with her, over a friend? She has every right to feel this way, a wedding only happens ONCE.


Post # 6
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this! I am going through almost the exact same thing with my Fiance only I dont think its quite as bad.

My Fiance has a good friend that he grew up with who doesnt like me one bit. He is always very rude to me and acts like a child around me. He always brings up my Fiance ex- girlfirends and talks about them in front of me, which really annoys me. 

My Fiance and I came to the agreement that he would be invited to the wedding, but he would not be asked to be in the wedding. I honestly just couldn’t come to terms with seeing his face walking down the isle on whats supposed to be the happiest day of my life.

Luckily my Fiance understood completely and that is resolved.

I know its hard to go back and tell your friends he cant be in the wedding, but you really should have talked to her before you asked him to be in the wedding. There isnt much you can do about it now, but if this is really going to affect her then you should consider asking him to step down.

This day is about the TWO of you. Yes, your friends and family are there to celebrate with you, but this is the start of your lives together as a couple. I know at some points in our relationship I wish my Fiance would have taken my side and stuck up for me when his friend was being an @$$ to me, it would have made me feel really good to know that he has my back.

I hope this helps, let me know if you have any more questions

Post # 7
2681 posts
Sugar bee

Like other people said its hard to judge the situation without really knowing the whole story.  There are things that couldve happened between your friend and fiance that would make it seem she is overreacting and there are things that couldve happened that would make me side with her and agree he should not be a part of your life anymore.  Have you sat down to discuss your feelings and thoughts with your fiance?  I guess it comes down to the fact that you sound like you really love her and want to spend your life with her and for that to happen you may need to cut ties with your friend or accept that he wont be at the wedding.  Id try and talk it out with her before doing anything.  Good luck and welcome to Weddingbee!

Post # 8
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you feel like your Fiance have good reason to dislike your friend I would question why you still feel like this guy should be your friend? 

Post # 9
165 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds to me like 1. she’s at the 3 month to the wedding crazy stressed stage and 2. she feels like you’re picking him over her and she’s freaking out that she’s not feeling like her husband-to-be has her back.  Without knowing the circumstances behind why she’s so opposed to him, I’d work on reassuring her that you’re on her side and she will always be able to count on you.  Kind of seems similar to  the common “sides” battle brides sometimes have with their guys and mother’s in laws.

Post # 10
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This is a tough one to answer without hearing her rationale. I would sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart when she is not in throws of wedding stress or already heated about the situation. You should come to a solution that works for BOTH of you – would he understand if he remained just a wedding guest instead of in the party? Would she be better with that option?

I agree with greenleafmountain – why is it that you are so opposite on your opinions of this friend? Is there a way to explain why he is important enough of you to be in your wedding party? One of the things we did when picking our wedding party was choose people who would presumably be in our lives forever. Is this guy, who your wife hates, going to be in your life for a long time?

Post # 11
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My Fiance also has a legitimate reason for not wanting one of my good friends at our wedding. I let her know that it might not be possible for me to extend an invitation to her since our wedding day is as much his as it is mine. She wrote back saying she understood, and she’d rather miss one day and keep the friendship than be there and endanger it.

In these cases, between one person enduring the presence or the other enduring the absence of a guest, it really should be the latter who takes one for the team.

It’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable and your friend might be pissed, but you need to un-invite him.

Post # 12
14439 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think he brings up a valid concern about the irrationality just being the tip of the iceberg and threatening to walk, unless shes completely reasonable and sane except when it comes to this friend.  Whats next?  He doenst come to the wedding, and she demands to cut ties with him completely or call off the wedding?  What about when married if she doesnt want his friend to be part of his life?  Threaten divorce?  If its just a rediculous grudge from silly teen years, I think she should learn to give a little too.  He already kicked him from the wedding party, he’s compromised, why not she?  If its a truely legit reason, which it didnt really sound like, since she was ok before with him coming, then he’d have to be un-invited.

Post # 13
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think you two should elope.

Post # 14
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really think it depends on what this friend did.  You admit that he did something that she is completely jusified in not liking him over.  If it is something serious, I understand her not wanting him at her wedding (and maybe question why you are still friends with someone who did something horrible to your future wife).  But if it is something that is more of a misunderstanding, then maybe she is overreacting.

Post # 15
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If what you say is true and these are old, “teen” issues that she can’t seem to let go of, I think she is being completely irrational. How unfair of her to allow him to be in the wedding, then completely renig.

100% agreed that you should have discussed the wedding party option with her, but she is now putting you in a terrible place. If you do this to him, consider your friendship over, and that is not fair of her to ask of you.

And I find it really hard to believe that HER whole wedding would be ruined over one person in attendance that she may see for a moment or two all day. Will that really be her focus? I hate it when brides view their wedding as THEIR day only. Yes, they are usually the center of attention, but hello, there is a groom there, too!

I have two questions for you:

  1. Do you really want to marry someone who would “Dump you” over one of your longest and best friends being invited? What does that say for her love and committment to you and willingness to compromise? After all, this is YOUR day as much as it is hers.
  2. How do you think she’d react if you refused to allow her BFF to come to the wedding and made the same threats she has?

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck to you. You’re in a really tough spot, buddy.

Post # 16
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am a practical kind of gal, and I can’t imagine throwing this kind of hissy fit over one of my FI’s friends. And I actually have a very similar situation to yours.

When I met Fiance, his best friend was a roommate in the house Fiance owned. Friend and I clashed as soon as I started living there, basic living together issues. Neither of us were nice, and now neither of us like eachother. It isn’t like one of us was really more right or wrong, but we’re just never going to be friends.

Of course this guy was invited to the wedding. It’s FI’s wedding too, and his friend has been there for him longer than I have. The friend isn’t a drunk who is going to actually ruin the wedding. That is a different issue. Will greeting him be awkward? Yep. But I love Fiance, and I can make a tiny sacrifice so his friend can be there.

Honestly, this is troubling behavior. It is controlling and abusive. I would express to her all that you have said here, let her know your concerns, then call her bluff. If she wants to cancel the wedding over this, count your lucky stars that you got out of what was not going to be a fun marriage.

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