Huge fight after DH's friend's inappropriate behavior. I feel sick over this

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 60
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, you are definitely not wrong for speaking up. In fact, I’m glad you spoke up at the party. This situation happens all too often and if anything, you don’t know now who all was in attendance that this left an impression on. Hopefully it taught people that (1) putting your hands on someones ass is not ok, unless they invite you to do so and (2) it is OK to speak up, even if it’s not the “perfect” time. I can guarantee you that people won’t forget this whole thing, and maybe in the future those that would place their hands where they shouldn’t, won’t. And those who have been touched that don’t want to be, won’t be afraid to speak up.

Post # 61
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If your Darling Husband had punched him it would have been acceptible! If this happens in the future, I suggest you loudly tell the offender to back off and don’t touch you again. I’d probably say something like “Get your hands off my ass and don’t ever touch me again.” 

Post # 62
Member
3789 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

coffeecakez :  Sorry! I did get that after I had commented. It wasnt totally clear in your reply to me, but was clear in your other response to the OP. I meant to come back and edit my response, but… work happened haha. My bad 🙂

Post # 64
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to hear about your situation… that really does kill the fun at a party but, there is a silver lining in all this!

 

1. At least you know your husband has your back, supports you and believes what you tell him. There are a lot of men out there who would just believe their “boy’s” side of the story.

2. This also shows both you and your husband who your real friends are. If they believe this creep over you (when they know he’s creepy), that says something about the friendships too.

 

Friendships are meant to be tested. Maybe it’s time for both of you to meet new people and move on if your group of friends now can’t get on board and believe the things you both say! They all know he’s a creep so, they should have your husband’s back since his wife was disrespected at their party! Life is too short to spend it with people who make you feel uncomfortable or threatened! …Might be better for your relationship too.  

Post # 65
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mrscb2bee :  

Silence is the abuser’s best friend.

There are probably a half dozen ways you could have gone about telling your Dh.  The important thing is that you TOLD.  To be silent is to protect a sexual predator.  Each time he gets away with violating someone, he will only get bolder.

 

Post # 66
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think it’s really good that you told your husband during the party and he made a scene so now C knows not to fuck with you. The fact that he looked at you and played dumb like he didn’t know who it was is straight predatory dirtbag behavior and he needs his ass beat in an alleyway.

Also- predators like to prey on women’s social training to be nice. You feeling bad is just part of that fucked up cycle. I cannot even tell you the number of times men have had a melt down because of me telling them “You are standing too close to me and you need to back up.” or “Don’t touch me.” I take special pleasure in making men uncomfortable when they’re acting creepy because I know they’re hoping I’ll be “nice.”

I’m not nice.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s really upsetting. I hope C gets his ass beat really soon and changes his creeper ways. And if he doesn’t- I hope he gets what’s coming to him. 

Also- if your husband knows C is a creep, probably several of the other guys in that group do as well and the fact that they continue to hang out with him doesn’t reflect well on them or their characters. They need to address that.

Post # 67
Member
6846 posts
Busy Beekeeper

First, you did nothing wrong.

Second, you did nothing wrong.

Third, you did nothing wrong.

Silence perpetuates harassment, abuse and assault. Silence is one of the worst things women do to each other. 

Post # 68
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

Joining the you did nothing wrong chorus.  

Post # 69
Member
3047 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

C is digusting and you have nothing to feel wrong for. Your partner shouldn’t want someone like that around him or you. Seriously, don’t think twice about it and he had no right to put his hands on you. I suggest if this is something you’re struggling with you consider talking to a counselor especially if you’re questioning you did something wrong which you did not.

Post # 70
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

Creeps exist. You did the right thing. Avoid C in the future. Accept that his gf will probably be weird to you. 

Onwards and upwards girl!

 

xo

Post # 71
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

TwilightRarity :  

Excellent point.  You are so right—predators rely on women’s socialization and training to always be “nice”, don’t make a scene, don’t overreact and for gawd’s sake, if something untoward does happen, never speak the truth about it.  It will cause the entire sky to fall.

I just missed a generation in which a woman standing up for herself against a man’s sexual abuse may well have been labeled “hysterical”, which, in those days meant a short hop to an institution if her husband sided with his buddy.

Many women struggled so we could have our voices.  Use them.  Silence when there is abuse only benefits one person—the abuser.

Post # 72
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

mrscb2bee :  In my last year of high school I sat next to this guy in physics. Textbook fuckboii, super flirty, and grossly inappropriate. He would tell me about the empty tables in the back room, and what he wanted to do to me on them. Then he started doing what C did to you – walk behind me with his hand brushing across my hips/butt/waist. I did nothing. Literally nothing. I just sat there. 

Eventually I went to the office and asked for a sexual harassment form, and let him know I had it. He stopped. 

My point is that telling your Darling Husband was absolutely the right thing to do, and any fallout is on C. Sometimes we think we know how we will handle a situation, but when we’re in it we freeze. Or we do something we thought we wouldn’t. We are also systematically raised to accept this harassment, so excusing the behaviour is in my opinion, totally normal. “Maybe it was an accident” or “he’s just taking the piss” …

Stop beating yourself up. This isn’t your fault. 

Post # 73
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

tiffanybruiser :   pinkshoes :  Just gonna step in here and say, some drunk guy who I couldn’t stand did something incredibly inappropriate to me at a party years ago.  So I told him loudly to f*** off and smacked him, then stormed off.  And guess what?  Not a damn person did anything about it, including the women there.  It doesn’t matter if the victim tries to do something about it, it’s the way everyone else around reacts. 

Post # 75
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

HelpfulMarriedGirl :    It doesn’t matter if the victim tries to do something about it

I’m sorry that happen to you.  But I think it absolutely matters, and women should defend themself if possible.  If it didnt matter, do you not feel you did the “right thing” by fighting back?  Are you saying since it doesnt matter, women shouldn’t even bother to stand up for themselves while they’re being attacked?  To me, you showed him there is at least one woman out there that wont just accept what he did quietly.  Maybe that doesnt stop him, maybe next time he picks on someone more vulernable.  But you stood up for youself, and that in and of itself matters.  

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors