Huge fight. Table thrown. Pregnant. So long.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Hostess
9760 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

homealone :  Wow. I couldn’t make it through your whole post. First, you are not safe around him. Please start making an exit plan. Do you have family or friends you can reach out to? If not, is there a work friend/church/women’s shelter? 

My gut instinct is that (and I’m sorry to say this) but he’s probably cheating on you. The paranoia combined with the comment about everyone wanting his dick reminds me so much of my ex who was controlling, abusive and a cheater. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No one deserves this kind of treatment, and especially not the mother of his child. Please stay safe.

Post # 47
Member
6702 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

OP, you need to leave immediately, for your own safety and the safety of your child. He is violent and dangerous and things WILL escalate. If he was “allowed” (you didn’t leave him) to treat you this way, it will be worse next time. These are the relationships that end up killing women.

Please don’t make excuses for him, and don’t allow him to “make it up to you.” It will NOT get better. If you stay, you are endangering your life, and your child’s life. After the baby is born, you will be teaching him/her either to be an abuser (because that’s how dad treats mom) or to become abused (that’s how my parents interact, it must be normal). You will be perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Please, STOP THAT CYCLE NOW. Get help, but GET OUT.

Post # 48
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I didnt read everything, but everything Onread is great advice, I know its not essy but I hope you tale it. You dont want your daughter to grow into a broken marriage, but do you want her to grow believing that the way your husband behaved is thw right way? Remember that what she sees will be her model and what she will want to emulate.

If you have the time, read this book…it is eye opener

Post # 49
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I have nothing new to add, but just want to reiterate everyone else’s advice that you need to take your shit and leave, ASAP. Tell the staff at your appointment (doctor, nurse, medical assistant, ANYONE) that you are unsafe at home and are worried for the safety of you and your unborn child. It is just a matter of time before this escalates and he hurts you in a physical way. Please protect yourself and your baby and get out NOW.

Post # 50
Member
11181 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

homealone :  

Allow me to echo what the other Bees are telling you about counseling with your abuser:  NO!

Not just no, but hell no.  It’s not only completely ineffective, it is indeed very dangerous.  He will punish you privately for what you reveal about him in therapy.

It is not at all unusual for abusers to escalate when the victim becomes pregnant.

Your number one priority right now is to get yourself out safely.  Do NOT confront him, do not tell him your plans, do not discuss any of this with him.  You only confront and discuss when you want to salvage the relationship.

Recent research has shown that the overwhelming majority—82% of kids whose parents stayed together ‘for the sake of the children’ wish their parents had divorced.  Children experience extreme stress even in utero when there is disharmony between the parents.  It affects normal development.

Remaining with an abuser is a terrible thing to do to your child.

Post # 51
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Seriously… LEAVE. You shouldn’t be wasting time asking what you should do you already know you deserve better. Get out of this situation and fast

Post # 52
Member
367 posts
Helper bee

Agree with everyone else. Get out. Get somewhere safe. And get everything documented. Get a restraining order. Anything. This will probably help you with any custody issues down the line. 

Post # 53
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

homealone :  if you care about the wellbeing of your child, RUN. There is no working things out with him. He is abusive. Find a safe place, call a family member or a friend and hide there. It’s only a matter of time before he starts physically abusing you and if you stick around, you will be putting your child in danger. If you stick around and he hurts your child, it will be on you for allowing your child to live in a dangerous and hostile environment. Get out for your sake and the future baby’s sake. That monster is likely cheating on you already and that’s why he’s so insecure and projecting those insecurities onto you. LEAVE, like NOW. 

Post # 54
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

homealone :  Are you safe right now? I am terrified for you and keep checking back for an update so I know you’re ok.

Post # 55
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

What he is doing is abuse. Please leave now for your safety but also your child’s. 

Would you want your child to stay with a partner that calls them derogatory terms/gets physical with inanimate objects (at first…no saying it won’t progress to physical with you or the child)/emotionally abusive/controls their accounts? I’m guessing and hoping you’d say no.

No person deserves to be in your life that calls you a slut or whore period. No person that is abusive and controlling deserves to be around you or your child.

Start documenting everything and saving the messages he puts in writing. Get to a family member’s and seek out legal council. If you have no family, look up help shelters for abused women with children in your area please. Please have police supervise anything if you won’t be able to leave or take items with you without him there. Document the fight and the table/couch incident and contact your local police to inquire on a RO.

Post # 56
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Lastly…what’s worse..your daughter being in a “broken home” that’s healthy and with a mother not being abused…or your daughter being in an abusive home watching her mother be abused and being abused herself?

Will you wait till he starts calling her a whore to see you should get both of you out? Do you also want her to normalize the abuse and relationship dynamic by witnessing you go through it?

Post # 57
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

meegwan :  I know, I’m also checking, hoping that OP is all right. I’m sending you so much love, strength and positive vibes OP, and I’m hoping you find the strength, support amd resources to get out and get somewhere safe. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I’m sure it is completely unbelievable and hard to come to terms with, and like it’s all just a bad dream. It’s so hard to realise you’re prt of the statistics you’ve only ever heard about and probably thought no way would you end up in a situation like that.

what I know from abuse is that he will dial it down for a bit, making you doubt whether it was “that bad” and whether it is worth uprooting your whole life because of it. But the problem is that you’ll never know when the next explosion is coming or how severe it will be. So it might feel “safe” to stay for a bit longer “to see how things go” but it might suddenly be too late if he goes further during his next fit of rage. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but that is how I’ve seen it rationalised. It’s not too late until it’s too late. All this to say, get out as quickly as you can. You can do it! Yes it will be hard, it will be so tough, but you can still do it! I can tell from your post he has not yet broken you down to the extent that you don’t know your own worth! You sound like a strong person! I believe you have what it takes to get out of there and make a new good life for you and your baby! 

Strength Bee, wherever you are. Really thinking of you! 

Post # 58
Hostess
9051 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

homealone :  I am so sorry bee, he is an abusive pieice of shit and it doesn’t sound like it will be long until he lays a finger on you. DO NOT convince yourself to stay because you have a baby, DO NOT convince yourself it will get better. Once the baby is here it will only make it harder to leave. Pack your bags and get you and your baby somewhere safe. Let some other ‘ho’ have him. Stay safe bee. 

Post # 59
Member
1099 posts
Bumble bee

homealone :  don’t even need to read the entire post. This is not a man you stay with. Go home today and tell him to get out of your life.

Post # 60
Member
1547 posts
Bumble bee

I couldn’t read through the whole post without feeling sick to my stomach – pls contact your local helpline asap and go stay somewhere safe. Your baby can’t be around by a man like that!

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