(Closed) HUGE fight w bridesmaid HELP

posted 10 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Aww. I am so sorry you guys had a disagreement! So unfortunate.

Are all of your bridesmaids friends with one another in passing? Can you try to get support from everyone to make the situation better? 

I think it is somewhat rude to take away a role. You asked her to fill that role because she has played a significant part of your life. And everyone has moments when they have brutal disagreements with their buddies. Shoot- I stopped talking to my best friend for six months once- and now we are totally fine! But I would never have forgiven myself if I took away bridesmaid role from my good friend. I don’t want that hanging over my head as another bump in the road. We have too many good memories to outweigh the bad ones.

I am not a fan of promoting/demoting friends from titles. I don’t know when your wedding is. But maybe time will heal the wounds, especially before your wedding? I am sure she is a good friends of yours- don’t you think it is harsh to fire her without it resulting in the end of your friendship for the long run? 

I say- give it a week or two. Let the ‘fire’ of the argument simmer down a bit. Give each of yourselves space. Then re-connect and sit down over lunch. Then make a mutual decision together. Maybe you won’t have to ask her to not be your bridesmaid- maybe she will pull out of it on her own accord.

As far as a ‘replacement’. Just wait this out until some time has passed.  Try to reverse roles here, how would you like it if you found yourself in a similar situation your friend finds themselves in? How would you want to be treated? 

I am going to keep my fingers crossed that you two work things out for the better. =o) Just try to be mature about it, and not make any rash decisions yet.

Post # 4
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I pretty much agree with Sparkles.  You asked her to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man for a reason – and unless that reason wasn’t a very good one, I assume that you would prefer to have her friendship rather than to just write her off.  Wedding planning seems to make everybody involved more emotional, and arguments happen. You might feel differently in a few weeks.

Maybe that’s not the case – maybe you’ve never gotten on well with her, your friendship was shaky already, and you’ve decided you never should have asked her in the first place.  I guess I would still recommend just leaving things as they are, at least for a while.  There’s no point in making the situation more upsetting for everybody by cutting her out and replacing her.  Even if you ultimately decide that it’s best for her not to be in your wedding, it would be better if that was a joint decision.

If it’s a long time before your wedding, and the two of you can reasonably decided that it’s just better if she’s not in the bridal party, you might be able to replace her.  You’re right that replacing her at the last minute is probably insulting to her and to her replacement, who will be pretty aware that she’s mostly there to make the numbers work out, since you apparently liked her less than this girl whom you don’t like well enought to work things out with.  It’s just bad all around.

Post # 5
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2007

This sucks – I am sorry you are going through this right now.  My big kicker in this situation would be: what was the fight about?  Is it a part of your life you can move past for awhile – or is it about your fiance/family/etc?  I think this info will make a huge difference in how people respond to your question.  I don’t think you need to be super specific, but if you could put us in the ballpark, perhaps we could give better insight.

 

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I’m going through the exact same thing!  Our problem was in the making, but i kept overlooking it because I was really hoping things would changed.  She made some very hurtful comments and completely disrespected me.  This is something that I just can’t put anymore time and emotion into because it just keeps letting me down.  I asked a new friend to take her place and it was a great conversation.  We talked about how things happen that make you realize the thing and people that are important to you and who will really stand by you in the hard times.  I am completely happy with our decision.  We did wait about a month and a half to see if things would work out and they didn’t, so we moved on

Post # 7
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

I’m also in agreeance with Sparkles.  Let the storm simmer down a little bit, perhaps time will heal some of your troubles.  After all, she was one of your closest friends in the world to have asked her to be your bridesmaid!  Hopefully you two can find a resolution, and if the fight was truly terrible, there is a possibility that she will step down herself, without you even asking.  Ultimately, give it a few weeks, and see how things go.  She may reach out to you to reconcile, or you may find the courage to do so.  I think by asking her to step down as a bridesmaid will be pretty much the dagger in your relationship… it will probably never be repaired after that.  So make sure you’re prepared to lose your friendship, and that you’re ok and at peace with it, and then it may be time to let her go.

Post # 8
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I agree with the others that you should give it some time and see what happens.  But if you do go ahead with replacing her, I was onced asked to be a "replacement" bridesmaid in a situation very similar to yours.  The bride felt obligated to include her Future Sister-In-Law in her small wedding party, and the Future Sister-In-Law was pretty rotten and jealous about her younger brother getting married before her.  After "firing" her Future Sister-In-Law from bridesmaid duty, my friend took me out to a nice girl’s night dinner and asked me to be her bridesmaid.  I wasn’t offended in the least, just happy knowing I could do something to help her out on her big day!

Post # 9
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Wait a couple of days before you make that decision. I’ve had knock out drag down fights with some of my best friends before but after we’ve cooled our heels we are able to get back to where we were. You might outright lose this friend if you chuck her from the party. Make sure its what you realy want to do. Also was the fight over something superficial (i.e. "you wore the same dress as me!") or was it something more damaging (i.e. she doesn’t like your fiance)? If its something superficial is really worth losing a friend over? Just relax, breathe and make a decision when you’ve cooled off. Good luck I hope things turn out well.

Post # 10
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know what right for your situation because I think it really depends on the what the arguement was about but I just wanted to share my experience.  About 5 months ago one of my 2 Maid/Matron of Honor came out of nowhere with a lot of old baggage (like things from high school) and blamed me for a lot of things that happened with our friendship.  She also said some unkind things about my other Maid/Matron of Honor and was obviously very angry with me.  I talked it over with a couple of my other BM’s who were also friends with her and I gave her about a week before we tried talking about it again.  This dragged on for 2 more weeks and I just did not agree with her accusations and didn’t see how we could continue to be friends if she really felt that way about me.  In the end, I told her how I felt and since she wasn’t apologetic or regretful at all, we are no longer friends.  I didn’t specifically ask her not to be in the wedding, I just said I don’t know how we can continue to be friends and she said fine.

 

I don’t think you should ask someone to be a replacement.  If you develop a close friendship with someone in the course of your wedding planning, maybe you should consider asking them but I would do it just to have a certain number of bridesmaids.  I totally feel for you right now, good luck!

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