(Closed) Huge fight with DH…support please, bees? :'(

posted 6 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
2270 posts
Buzzing bee

That sucks. He needs to understand that “showing you the door” is not the way you resolve adult problems. You need to talk to him about this when he isn’t in an angry and defensive mood. It’s emotional abuse, and he needs to learn about a better way to resolve problems.

Post # 4
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You have a right to be frustrated and upset. I think there’s a lack of communication there somewhere and seems like you may also differ in parenting styles. I know growing up I was never required to do much, I never had chore lists or anything. Have you asked your Darling Husband if that was required of him, was it required of you? Maybe he feels like you’re picking on his little one a bit. I would just calmly explain to him that you feel it’s best for your son to learn to have small responsibilities now than to struggly with it as he gets older. Maybe when your husband sees that you are trying to do what’s best by his son he will not be frustrated. You could always go on strike and see what happens, too! 🙂 Maybe look into parenting classes as well, so you guys can get on the same page.

Post # 5
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t have stepchildren so I don’t speak from the same perspective, but I do have children. I would stop doing the stepson’s chores.

Why would he jump up from  the computer when he knows that you will do his chores for him?

I would wait a bit for things to settle , then have a conversation where you and Darling Husband come to an agreement about what stepson’s obligations are and what the consequences are for not doing his chores. Failure to be united on this will have nothing but negative consequences for your stepson.

I would also make it clear to Darling Husband that it is totally uinacceptable to be told “there’s the door”.

“My way or the highway” is simpy not an acceptable way to treat your spouse.

Post # 6
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m sorry that you are going through this. You do need to put your foot down and stand up for yourself though or you will be doing this for years to come. This is not a partnership…this is a live in maid that also gives out other ‘benefits’. You need to stop doing things for your stepson. I know the animals need clean cages however a couple hours would not have made a huge difference in the long run. in other words, do not take it upon yourself to deal with it…let your Fiance deal with his son since he obviously is not going to listen to you. If it was possible to coparent that would be different but it doesn’t sound like your Fiance is willing to support you.

and that brings me to the bigger issue…your Fiance is emotionally blackmailing you every time he says ‘Pack your stuff’. This is the way he fights…he gives ultimatums which always end up with the ‘threatened’ person resenting the other. You need some help to deal with this (counselling, pastor). If this isn’t resolved soon I can’t imagine your relationship ever thriving. As for me?…I would call his bluff and pack a bag an leave for a couple days…but then again people know that if they threaten me, they better be willing to accept the consequences!

Post # 7
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You need to stop doing your step son’s chores period.  If he can’t be responsible for his pets then the pets should be going bye-bye.  Your Darling Husband should not be talking to you like this.  Personally if my Darling Husband said that to me one to many times I would just would leave and be done with him and his son.  I refuse to be told its my way or the highway, it is immature!

Post # 8
1161 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I agree with PPs who pointed out him showing you the door is completely unacceptable. There are more effective means of communication that you should explore (him especially but both as a couple). I feel for you OP and I am sorry he treated you this way. 

Post # 9
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Two things: early in our relationship, my now-husband said the exact same thing to me not long after we started living together. We had a huge fight and he told me to move out. I told him he was never allowed to say that again. Or I would leave for real. He had to learn how to resolve issues like an adult. And so does your husband.

Second, I have a step-daughter and two sons of my own.  They are in college and do not live with us, but I have issues with the way my husband has raised his daughter but I have to just bite my tongue. A LOT.

You should leave the discipline to your husband though. It’s not as if the animals would did if the cages were not cleaned right then and there. Wait for your husband to come home and say, “Here, you handle this.”

Good luck-you wil definitely need it. I’m surprised my tongue is still in one piece:)

Post # 10
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am so sorry you are dealing with this! It seems to me like there are 2 issues here – your stepson’s disobedience, and your husband’s communication and respect.

With your stepson – you need to stop doing his chores. I completely understand why you felt the need to clean the pets’ cages – they are innocent in this and shouldn’t be used to make a point like that. However if it is continually you taking care of them, then you should give him an ultimatum – either he takes care of them, or you get rid of them. With the rest of the chores, you need to stop doing them. It may result in uncomfortable things (dirty room, clothes, etc) but he needs to learn his actions have real consequences.

With your husband – his treatment of you and response to your fights is unacceptable. It’s immature and disrespectful. If he won’t listen to you, then counseling or something like it is in order – a marriage is a partnership, each of your opinions is equally important and valid, and deserve to be heard and respected.

Post # 11
6701 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

I don’t have stepkids either, but my advice is that you don’t have to do his chores. I would let that sit there and show his dad when he comes home. He would have to tell him something otherwise he doesn’t care. If he is not responsible for them, he shouldn’t have any dogs. The ones to go out the door are the dogs!

Post # 12
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@PutABirdOnIt:  +1

Agree with PPs… when we fight, Fiance has never once told me “there’s the door.” Why? Because he doesn’t want me leave, wouldn’t suggest otherwise to win an argument or make a point and he knows it’s completely unnacceptable to treat me like a guest in my own home – like I could just leave if I wasn’t having fun anymore or he was tired of entertaining me? By saying you should just leave, he’s implying greater ownership of your home and at the same time, emotionally dominating you by making you feel like you just have to deal with HIS rules. And that’s definitely not how marriages or partnerships work.

Post # 13
6701 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

I forgot to mention, make it a point that you work hard as well, and there is no need for you to do this. At this point, everyone should be helping around the house. I always have to remind my hubby of that. Although, he is very supportive, he doesn’t now what do.

Post # 14
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@julies1949:  You gave this bee the perfect advice! I don’t have anything more to add to what you suggested!

Post # 15
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

That is awful. How old is your step son? Has he ever heard your husband say ‘pack up and go?’.

If he keeps hearing this, it’s possible that he thinks you might just be a temporary person in his life so therefore it doesn’t require any effort on his part.

Either way, your husband can’t say stuff like that to you anymore- or pack your bags and teach him a lesson.

Post # 16
11391 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@theone99:  Agreed!

You should also mention this to your husband. If his son keeps hearing him tell you to leave, he may just think you are a temp!

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