(Closed) Huge fight with the in-laws.. :(

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

Your fiance needs to stand up for you. This wedding is about you and your fiance, not his parents. he needs to be speakign up for you.

Post # 4
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

+1: Your fiance needs to deal with his family. You should not need to get into screaming matches about a wedding. A friend of mine went through something similar and pretty much told her in-laws either you get with the program or you won’t be invited.

ETA: controlling behavior like this usually don’t stop at thw wedding. your marrige, future children etc could be subject to thier controlling ways. Your Fiance needs to draw clear boundaries with his family when it concerns you.

Post # 5
Member
341 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

+2

It seems to me that you have been very respectful! Respecting someone does not mean you allow them to push you around. You have heard and allowed some of their ideas. Compromise has to happen sometimes. But now its time to take your wedding back! Chin up! You and Mr. Fiance keep encouraging each other, and don’t be afraid of stepping on some toes. These are important boundaries to establish.

Post # 6
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

OMG, elope!  Be done with it!  That sounds terrible! 🙁

Post # 7
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

First of all. joder, hablas muy bien el inglés!!! En serio, impresionante!

Secondly, your Mother-In-Law sounds horrid. Put your foot down. You need to have some Spanish flair in there! She’s trying to impress everyone when that was clearly NOT your goal. You are paying for a substantial part of the wedding so be strong. Make sure Fiance is on your side and can help make his terrible parents understand your situation!!

Post # 9
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@lalamarie:  Our rule was that if either set of parents wanted something we didn’t, then he would have to pay for it. His mom wanted certain tables, so she paid for them. If your in-laws want certain favors, Polish food and a polish band then they should pay for it. They’re paying for the hall, but that doesn’t allow them to dictate anything else.

Also, could you maybe compromise on some things so you guys can all have the things you want? Another bee had food stations with different types of ethnic food at her wedding, and maybe a mix of polish, spanish and canadian music? Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This woman needs to have her own separate party. She needs to realize how irrational she’s being. What percentage is she paying for? I don’t even subscribe to the whole, whoever pays gets complete say in the wedding unless it’s the bride and groom themselves. But at the very least, you should get a say in proportion to how much you are paying for the event.

Post # 11
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@lalamarie:  Hey there. Your English is fine. This is something I warn many couples here about. Yes, there are people here who say that their families gave them money and were no trouble. But those people are far and few in between. I’m not even saying that most cases end up like yours – which is an egregious example of a family member using the money as a way to control her child and his future wife – but many cases do involve some degree of manipulation. The less money you get from in-laws or other family members, the more likely it is that you won’t grief. And if you don’t take any at all – even better.

Your wedding is still about 4 months away (I’d assume you haven’t sent invitations yet?). Good – I wouldn’t. Immediately call off the whole thing. You should have enough time to get deposits back if you act soon (the hall may be able to find someone else to take it). Then, your husband approaches his mother and explains that you are going to have something small.

Just from what you write here, the woman sounds absolutely insane. Her guests, if indeed they’ve said these things, sound manipulative and insane. If the rest of his family really is so awful, I would talk to Fiance about revisiting your idea and having that small, intimate wedding…later on in the year, giving Future Mother-In-Law some time to cool down. And take absolutely no more money from her, nor anyone else in the family.

Your Fiance really needs to stand up here. And even if he’s being supportive, it was time to pull back and not take anything from his mother the moment she started ordering you around on the music, the food, etc. She sounds very controlling, and as long as your husband won’t firmly stand up to her (i.e., refusing her money – it’s not enough just to tell her, “Don’t treat my fiance this way.” That message is getting lost because he’s speaking instead of acting).

And this is also a picture of what your life may be like – a Mother-In-Law who will likely always have say. Can you imagine having kids with this woman in your life? I’m not religious and even I might sacrifice a goat or two on behalf of your kids – whatever I can do to help out my fellow man. This woman sounds like a piece of work as a Mother-In-Law or a grandma.

In-laws play a role in divorces – and you and your Fiance need to work out how you’re going to deal with her going forward. It may have been one thing when you were both ‘just dating.’ Now that you’re firmly entering the family, you may be getting a glimpse at what her behavior will be like for the rest of your life. Can you deal with that? I think I’d be arrested if I had to.

Spare yourself anymore trouble. You need to act now – and your fiance needs to put his mother in her place now. And if he won’t do that, honestly it’s time for you to run.

Post # 12
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Think long and hard about this.

1,000,000,000 x worse when you have kids.

 

Just sayin’

Post # 13
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

If they don’t respect your FI’s opinions either, at least you can look at it as “they are disrespectful people in general” rather than “they don’t respect ME.” Clearly they are used to getting their own way.

@3xaCharm:  +1  Either OP and her Fiance need to work this out between them so that they are in agreement of the kind of treatment they will accept from his family, or it’s only going to get worse as time goes on.

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You, and especially your fiance, are letting this happen to you.  FMIL is getting away with this crap because you guys are letting her.  

Turn down her money.  Now.  Any deposits she’ll lose you and your Fiance can pay her back.  Make the decisions you need to make to have the wedding YOU guys want.  She’ll rant and rave and say she won’t come – just smile and nod and change the subject.  Call her bluff.  She’s not going to miss her son’s wedding.  Show her that you aren’t afraid of her – you’re starting your own family now.

Most importantly, make your Fiance deal with this!!!!  This woman is his mother, and his problem!

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