Post # 1
So kind of a long story but I will break it down and simplify as best I can.
My Fiance graduated college two years before me. We are the same age but I took longer. While I was in school he paid a lot of the big bills but I took out student loans and paid for school I just paid about a 1/4 of the rent and no utilities. While Fiance was in school he had a good time and spent money as well as student loans so he had debt. I have been graduated a year now and he for three. He has worked really hard in his sales job (Like 80+ hours a week, not exaggerating) and has tripled his income and makes great money for his age. I, a year out of school have no real power over what I earn do not make as much as him, although I have been trying to work more hours to bring in more.
So to get to the point, tonight I told him the week before the wedding I wanted to go home and spend some time with my sister who drove in from Utah. He doesn’t think that is a good use of money. I told him it was important to me and I wanted to do it. He didn’t see why she and her two kids couldn’t come a day early so I didn’t have to drive. I explained that with two young kinds (2 years and 8 months) staying in a hotel is difficult and she didn’t want to do that for longer then necessary.
After this whole discussion the truth unraveled… Ultimately he sees his money as his and that the money I make is almost owed to him since he helped support me for those two years and gave up so much. I have made a lot of changes to help get my debt under control (i.e. not eating out, drinking, buying pretty much anything) because I do understand that this is important but somethings are more important then money, like seeing my sister and the kids that I only get to see twice a year…
I guess I don’t know what to do with this whole revelation that this is how we sees our financial relationship and how to start changing to ours not his and mine…
I am confused and hope someone can unravel this nonsense and give me some good sound advice…. Please!!! The wedding is in two weeks and I have no desire to call off the wedding but understand that this is something that needs to be worked out so please
Post # 3
Also, we have talked extensively about money and our plans and felt like we were on the same page so finding this out is a shock. We are very open with our income, bills, all of that…
Post # 4
This is a tough situation. Do you two honestly have the money to afford this trip? Is he tackling the debts that he has built up? It seems weird to me that he feels like you owe him to make up for the things he paid for. Are you two planning on sharing finances completely or are you planning some other type of financial arrangement?
My husband and I share everything. He makes more than I do and I usually end up spending more than he does. I pay for all the bills and buy all of the household items. It works for us but it doesn’t work for everyone.
Post # 5
This is a tough one. Right now, he’s kind of right. You aren’t married yet, so your finances should be considered separate. Of course, once you are married that changes–then you go thru the process of comingling your finances, and one person’s debt becomes both your debts.
However, I can see how this would be very disturbing, because it’s hard to know if this is how he is going to continue to feel after you are married.
If you are very open with everything with each other, then you really need to talk to him about your misgivings about his attitude when it comes to the finances. You need to find out if he’s been as honest his feelings about handling finances as you have been.
It could all be a misunderstand combined with pre-wedding tension.
Post # 6
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: This round trip would only be $50, it is only 2 1/2 hrs away so yes I can afford it. He just goesn’t think it is a good use of money. We are planning on sharing fianances completely. We will be joining everything within a month of the wedding.
@Loribeth: Right I agree but if our money is seperate, how can he be mad about how I choose to spend my money? I am worried if these views will continue or once everything is combined the mindset of “ours” will start.
It is not like I want to run around spending all his money, I have completely changed my spending to be more responsible, I just want to spend money on the things I deam important with out having to A)fight B)feel quilty C)hide it. My family is something I find very important. He is not close with his so he doesn’t understand it.
Post # 7
I think that’s a little unreasonable. He wants your sister to pay for a hotel for 3 instead of you just paying petrol for a small road trip? You need to sit down with him and talk through the bigger issues like how he will act when you both owe a mortgage / have kids and make sure you’re on the same page. Unless you wanted to gamble the $50, he shouldn’t really be dictating what you can and can’t do.
Post # 8
My Fiance and I have a rule that we ask the other person if we spend over $100. He makes much more than I do and I’ve racked up student loans but we consider ourselves a team and we’re both working towards a future together even if he’s doing a better job making the money!
We decided on the $100 rule because it let us both have some freedom without being able to spend a lot– I can buy a shirt or lunch without thinking I need to ask him for permission, and he feels secure that I’m not out spending tons of money.
Another idea– could you tell him you’re giving up something to make this happen? Or sell something? I sell a lot of clothes online or at Platos Closet when I need a little extra cash.
Post # 9
We aren’t married yet but have already combined finances. I’m not working while I go to school, so right now Fiance is the only income. We have a monthly budget and a $100 rule. Basically anything not in the budget under $100 is ok, including going out with friends, gifts for each other etc. Anything over that is a joint decision.
Does your Fiance know how much it will be? He may be thinking that it’s more money then you are planning on spending.
I would try to find a counselor to talk this over with. Part of our churches marriage counseling deals with finances. Someone like a pastor or counselor could offer an outside opinion and help you reach an agreement.
Post # 10
Are you sure its really about money for him or is it to do with other issues like family dynamics? If he isn’t close to his family he may not understand your way of doing things. Do you have a tendency to be at the beck and call of you immediate family? The reason why I ask that is because….it seems a little unreasonable to me that your sister wants you to go spend time with her during the most frantic and busy time before your wedding. It makes more sense to me that she comes to you.
Can you not plan a girly week at some other time after the wedding or way before the big day???
Post # 11
It’s a difficult one. My FI’s parents have a ‘what is mine is mine, what is yours is yours’ mentality when it comes to money…they’ve spent their whole marriage nickel and diming each other to death! Frankly, it depresses me…
I know in this modern age everyone likes to feel they are independant, even within a marriage, but as you know, sometimes circumstances make this not possible. When Fiance and I lived together, we had problems with our roommate and Fiance was struggling financially…and I just gave him £500 (about $600). I knew he wouldn’t be able to repay it, I could afford it and I wanted to help him out. I’ve never even mentioned it to him again. I paid half the deposit on the flat – £1500 ($2400), and thanks to his friend, ended up losing the lot.
I’m now jobhunting and I could really do with that £2000. FI has ‘repaid’ me somewhat…he helps out with groceries when he is here and often pays when we go out for a meal…does it add up to £2000? I have no idea, I’m not keeping count.
And that’s the important thing. I’d tell your Fiance that you don’t want to spend your marriage having to run a ‘tab’ on each other, over every single penny. I think the $100 rule some ladies has mentioned is a good idea.
And go and see your sister! I’m not close to my family, but I’d never stop Fiance from seeing his.
Post # 12
I’d agree that this is a big concern. I understand that he feels like he supported you– and did– for two years, but without an agreement that you would pay him back, your money should either be yours or “ours”. If he wants to keep your finances seperate, which it looks like he does, then he needs to leave you to spend your money they way you want to. He said his piece about how he feels about you spending it, and now has to let you do what you’d wish.
On the other hand, this reveals a much bigger underlying issue, as it seems he resents that he supported you and feels like you owe him. I would have a talk about what is going to happen in two weeks when you get married. Will you still owe him? Will you never be able to do something fun? Is there a timeline when you will have “paid him back” without actually paying him? Are you going to live with seperate finances and seperate ideas?
I think it’s really good that you talked to him about finances around your engagement, but as his perspective has changed, I think you need to sit down and talk again.
Post # 13
Unless he clearly stated that he was LOANING you the money, then I would say you do not owe him anything. If I were in the same position, I would think that my SO/FI was helping me during a rough patch, and nothing more. From there, your responsibility would be showing (thru actions) how you are trying to make a better life for the both of you thru saving, not spending, etc. It would be having open talks about finances (which it sounds like you have), and contributing where/when you can. Who makes more money should never be a ‘factor’, imo, of whom then gets to dictate spending. You asked him if you could go…that was courteous. You stated you could afford it…that was also courteous. For him to state that it is a silly way for you to spend the money – assuming your money that you have ‘socked’ away is, kinda rude. Especially to then say that he feels his money is his money – seems kinda hypocritical!!
I do not think this NEEDS to be a huge issue, unless it is a recurring one. Has this happened before?! If not, maybe you caught him off guard…at a bad moment, or whatever. But certainly, now would be the time to define your finances, your spending – as a married couple, and even individually! Good luck!
Post # 14
Look up Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University. I’ve taken it in the past and am about to take it again with my boyfriend. It could help you work through a lot of your challenges early in your marriage and would be a great bonding activity to do together following your wedding.
Post # 15
I think the bigger issue is getting married without discussing how finances will work in the long term of your marriage. If you haven’t laid that out pre-wedding you are begging for trouble.
I maintain a spreadsheet with a monthly budget for us where we manage joint expenses. We also each get an allowance each paycheck that we can spend as we choose. No matter who is working or who makes more $ we will both always get the same allowance.
I realize not everyone is extremely responsible with $ and may need some reigning in than others, but the same day my husband tells me I can’t spend $50 to see my family is the same day I will begin reconsidering my marriage.
Post # 16
First, I do think that it’s bad timing on seeing your sister, right when you’re crazy busy wrapping up the wedding planning, but if you can do it, more power to you.
Next, I really think you need to get out these feelings on the table. There’s first the “owing” issue that you need to work through (you don’t want him to feel owed for you working a lower paid job for years or you to feel owed if you quit your job to raise kids, etc.). The second issue is discussing reasonable expenses and budgets. What works for some people is to have money you can each spend with no explanations owed to the other. For others, it’s setting a limit above which you have to check with the person (my friends have it set at $200). You’re not going to get full agreement on money. I feel pretty fortunate that my Fiance and I are on the same page generally with finances, but even we ocassionally take a differing perspective on a purchase. That’s ok. You’re human. With either of these suggestion, you don’t have to fully agree with the purchases, but generally agree with the budget.