(Closed) Huge meltdown

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

He sounds very similar to my ex. Sans divorce trauma.  I would consider at the very least moving out. I know you love him and want him to be ready in his own time. I.e get counseling. But this shouldn’t be at the expense of your own happiness, family planning stage.

 

If these issues of his are a factor why counseling now? It just seems like he’s trying to save face now that he thinks you could be leaving. at 33 he should’ve had this junk figured out. 

 

My ex also tried to ask me to have a kid first after I expressed my impatience with waiting. Even though he knew I wouldn’t have another without marriage on the table. This was my first red flag on how truly committed he was to getting married to me.

 

He had no urgency to propose or suggest eloping etc. His first thought was lets just have a kid? Which is silly when u realize that’s an 18year commitment. But hes not jumping at the chance to marry.

 

Whatever you decide make sure it’s whats best for you. You don’t need to cater to his psyche. 

 

Post # 36
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

@Bettyboo1982:  You should cut him a break.

He said in January that you’d be married within 2 years. If you aren’t OK with that timeline for fertility reasons, why didn’t you bring it up then? It sounded like that timeline was/is OK with you, at least before the meltdown? Maybe I’m missing something.

As far as I can tell, everything he’s doing is totally consistent with that timeline. If he’s planning to propose in February 2014, that leaves plenty of time to plan a 2014 wedding.

Given all that, I don’t see how he could have any idea that you would be upset at this point. Despite that, it sounds like he was really sensitive and responsive about your meltdown. In your situation, I’d be falling over myself to apologize and prove I’m not crazy by explaining my assumptions and desires calmly and undemandingly.

Post # 38
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

@Bettyboo1982:  That makes sense. It shouldn’t just be on his terms. If you apologize for melting down and tell him you really need to discuss this and you promise to deal with it calmly, then I think he owes you an open discussion of timeline and finances.

I definitely think you should bring it up again and try to come to a consensus about three things: 1) how big a wedding you want, 2) how much you want to spend, and 3) how long you want to be engaged. It’ll probably take more than one discussion, but at least you can try to break the ice on those topics. None of those things will ruin any of his surprises, so hopefully you can come to a mutual consensus.

You have every right to that conversation as long as you keep calm! Freak out afterward to us bees if you need to – but hopefully it’ll actually be reassuring to get it out in the open! Hoping for the best for you 🙂

Post # 40
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Bettyboo1982:  “I could literally see the fear in his face.”

 
He’s not ready to get married.  A man who’s ready to marry you would give you a firm timeline and stick to it.  My friend’s husband ate tuna fish for 9 mos. so he could save for her e-ring.  Is he actually saving or saying that to prolong having to get engaged?  You said that he’s been putting all his money into renovating a shed.  You can see where his priorities lie.  If you’re on the same page, it shouldn’t be this hard to get the man to propose.

Post # 42
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’ve been avoiding responding to this post because when I was “Waiting” I recieved some advice on here that ended up almost hurting my relationship. It’s made me very scared since to comment on waiting posts because I would hate to say the wrong thing.

However! I just read your update. He’s planning on waiting another TWO YEARS to propose?! That’s a little ridiculous, IMO. Not only does it seem unfair to you when you’re already 30 and want to get on with your life, but it also sounds like everything is in his hands. I think that’s wrong! This is both of your lives and should be something that’s discussed jointly. You both need to come out of that conversation happy with the outcome. It might be time to take a step back and look at this relationship from the outside and really think if you’re happy waiting that long to take the next step.

Post # 43
Member
1286 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@Bettyboo1982:  Hmm well I don’t see why you guys can’t start saving together for the wedding after engagement?  That’s usually what couples do.  And it sounded like you were looking at a 1-2 yr engagement so that’s plenty of time to save.  You’ve waited long enough for him already!

Post # 44
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

@Bettyboo1982:  i don’t like commenting on things like this but as an outsider observing (your side) of the situation I absolutely do not think that his latest response is acceptable. An engagement does not require 2 years of planning, and he’s saying it’ll probably take longer than that, at your age, after this amount of time I just don’t think it’s fair.

 

I think you could do with taking some time for yourself and having a good hard think about what you want, what you’re getting and what you might have to give up. Really do wish you all the best and happiness x

Post # 45
Member
3380 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ve waded through this entire thing…and I don’t think he’s ready. His actions and words are making it very clear:

-“He didn’t know I’d hold him to 2 years”

-“I saw the fear in his face”

-“He says he wants to save more. He saves already, but he wants to save more.”

You have several indicators here that he’s not ready to propose…and that *doesnt mean there is anything wrong with him*

We know *quite* a few gentleman (33 and up) who simply are not ready to get married. My BF will be *40 years old* when he proposes, and he’s never been married before. It takes some men longer than others.

I think you’ve been honest with him about how you feel and that you truly expect him to propose in 2 years…now I think you need to a)let it drop or b)try to determine why he isn’t ready if you think there’s more to it than just ‘he’s not ready yet’

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