(Closed) Huge Problem with Guests RSVP’ing

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

First of all, calm down and breathe. I got married in June and me received many of our RSVPS on the actual date that we requested people send them in by. Don’t ask me why, but people tend to wait until the last minute to RSVP. It doesn’t mean they WON’T. I stressed really terribly, too. 

It’s common knowledge that the only people who you are inviting are the people who are on the invitation. If there is no “and guest,” then that was your decision and there is no “and guest.” No one should be pressuring you to do otherwise. I have been to smaller weddings where I was not given a “+ 1”, and while I was kind of bummed I couldn’t bring someone, I understood the situation.

I just want to clarify one thing, though: Did you write Mr. and Mrs. So and So or The So and So Family? If you wrote family, that obviously includes the kids and you have to let them come. If you addressed it only to the couple, then that means the children were not invited and they shouldn’t have assumed that they were. 

My sister only allowed immediate family, as in parents and siblings, to bring their kids and it worked out well. It gets a little tricky when you’re telling close friends they can’t bring their child, but you’re allowing a great uncle to bring his child, so neither should be able to do so.

We had a couple of my distant family members who added people to their RSVPs. For instance, I only invited my aunt and uncle and their daughters, and they RSVPed that each of the daughters would be bringing a date! That shit was NOT going to fly, so we called them and talked to them. They were really receptive and the problem was solved.

You have already told one of your coworkers she cannot bring her child, so I think you need to tell these other people they can’t, either, or she’s going to feel dissed. In retrospect, it would have been nice to put on your invitation that unfortunately children are not invited because of the nature of the venue, but you can’t go back and change that. You could put a small note on your wedding website if you have one and hope that some people will see that. Plus your venue can’t hold that many people, so you don’t have an option.

Time to start writing Facebook messages and whipping out the phone! This may be a little awkward, but just be honest and explain the situation. I think people will be understanding as long as you apologize for not making it clearer on the invitation and telling them your venue issue. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

  1. your Fiance needs to get on board with you.  he can’t cave every single time someone says they want to bring someone who isn’t invited
  2. you need some sort of kids rule and you need to stick to it.  if it’s family only, that’s fine, but you can’t make exceptions outside of your rule
  3. your fi’s coworker sounds like a douche
  4. more Nos will come later, don’t worry

 

Post # 5
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

So if I’m reading right, the guest list “policy” when you sent the invites was “children of family only”, and you don’t have the space for your single friends to bring along some random date.  Totally understandable – I’m in the same situation.  But in almost all of your cases, it sounds like your Fiance is deviating from your previous agreement because he feels guilty or people are guilt-tripping him.  In #4 and #6, I think it’s so rude to assume or insist that you can bring a random date when “and guest” wasn’t on the envelope.  You have a very nice FI! 😉

Perhaps you need to talk to Fiance about holding the line so you don’t wind up stressed because he’s told everyone and their mother that they’ll be welcome?  There are many polite ways to say that your space is limited and, while you’d like to invite everyone, you just can’t.  You make the rules, not them!  Good luck. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
3257 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@milesbella: I think some of them know, but they’re trying to push it. That’s how it seemed with the family members I had to talk to. One of them who has three foster kids they put on the RSVP who weren’t invited even said, “Yeah, I thought the kids weren’t invited but we figured we would wait and see if you called us.” Rude? Totally. Acceptable? Not at all. 

Your SO sounds kind of like mine; it doesn’t mean he’s being a jerk, it just sounds like he hates conflict. But he still needs to get on board with you.

If there’s no way all these people will fit, then SO needs to help you to contact people and tell them the tough truth. 

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

Post # 9
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@milesbella: I will be in your shoes soon. Just call those with children and explain you do not have room for them. Let the Bridesmaid or Best Man and the Co-worker know as well. She was rude to bully her personal guest in. Have a hostess at the door with a list and to block unwanted guests.

 

Post # 10
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think that you and FH need a unified decision on what you are going to do.  If you cave for each guest that is going to bully you, you will be in big trouble.

I had a lot RSVP really close to the date I set.   Can you put those who pushed to bring extras in the outside part if people will now have to sit out there?

Post # 11
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@milesbella: I could be wrong but regarding FI’s sister all immediate family and bridal party members including siblings, aunts, uncles, and first cousins automatically get a +1. We gave everyone a +1 and included the whole family including children so we hopefully have all our bases covered. We also had _ of _ invited so there was no confusion.

Is it possible that Fiance was not in total agreement with not having children? I know another bee on here posted a detialed list of how much each additional person cost to add in order to show it to their Fiance when he kept adding people. Perhaps this will help.

Post # 12
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee

@milesbella:

1) you can decide to invite her or not.  It is up to you. Etiquette does not denote which children are invited.  Given that you do not know her and don’t have any relationship with her you certainly don’t have to invite her.  But it may be a nice way to welcome her into her new family.

2) I would probably not invite this kid.  It sets off a chain reaction of others kids to invite.  This seems like an easy place to cut it off.

3) See #2.

4) Um no.  This is a coworker, and presumably you have no relationship with this kid.  The coworker can either accept the terms of the invitation or decline entirely. 

5) it seems like you have dealt with this already.

6) I would let her know that you cannot accommodate her extra guest.  It really isn’t that hard, I promise.  Just a quick phone call to let her know there has been a misunderstanding and that you can’t wait to see her and the kid. 

Fiance needs to get on the same page as you.  He needs to be able to say no to these people and can’t just cave every time someone is impolite and asks.  Maybe explaining to him, that you are not rude for not accommodating their guests as they see fit, but that they are being extremely rude to ask about an invitation for a guest that was clearly not invited.

My experience is that people will RSVP a lot in the beginning, those who immediately put it back in the mail, because they know they are for sure coming/not coming.  Then there was a lull in the middle with just a few trickling in, and then a real push again at the end with those people that get it in just at the deadline.  And there are always the few stragglers, that you have to follow up with.

 

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