(Closed) Hungover for the wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Trippy1 has the right to be angry or is over reacting

    anger is justified

    Waaaaay over reacting

  • Post # 347
    Member
    1263 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    @trippy1:  Oh trust me, he knows that he might as well be saying “fuck you” each time.  

    A person who truly didn’t get it would have tried really hard to figure it out by now, because of how upset you are and the unpleasant confusion they’d feel. He hasn’t, because he gets it. Even before your first explanation, he fully understood what he had done, and all of its implications. It’s why he hid what he was doing ahead of time, and why he won’t discuss it or try to work through it now. He knows every little detail of why and how what he did was wrong, but admitting he understands any of that would mean a couple things.

    First, he knows he’d have to apologize. That doesn’t work too well with his power paradigm. Second, he knows he’d then have to work to make ammends. He obviously is quite averse to putting hard work or sacrifice into your relationship – he proved that on your wedding day. 

    Pretending he doesn’t understand is borderline more insulting than if he just said “fuck you” in some ways. Its implications are the same, as in “I have no intention of dealing with this, and am dismissing this subject and you.” But it means more. It also includes this idea that “your opinions on this are so off-the-wall, so nutty, that I can’t even comprehend them because your overreaction is just that out there.”  He’s gaslighting you in an attempt to, again, have power over and control you, and make it seem like he did nothing wrong, and you’re just this crazy bitch.  

    This is again why he should go to therapy. To some degree I am sure some of what he’s doing is either subconscious, or he’s really actively trying to justify it. Most people aren’t totally comfortable with feeling like miserable human beings, so they’ll try to write it off mentally. So while he most likely realizes what he did, he really quickly follow that up in his mind with “but she was being ridiculous! And I need my freedom,” that sort of thing.  But if he has a professional calmly tell him what he did, and thatr he had no real excuse for it, then he’ll be forced to stop imagining he was justified. 

    Anyhow, stick to your guns! I hope that somehow this can have a happy, or at least relatively clean and easy ending!

     

    Post # 348
    Member
    781 posts
    Busy bee

    View original reply
    trippy1:  I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. It’s a difficult situation and although I didn’t read through all 24 pages of comments, I think with his broken promises and cavalier attitude about hurting you, divorce was the best option. I hope you find a man who really loves and respects you. Congratulations to you for loving yourself enough to go through with the mess of divorce. 

    Post # 349
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee

    I’m brand new here because I a guy and I messed up by accident.  This guy messed up on purpose. When I read it I started sputtering I was so shocked. I didn’t read all of the messages but it sounds to me like he didn’t want to break up with you a long time ago and strung you along until the wedding.  Then he did his best to push you away and make you look like the bad guy. No woman should get treated like this on her wedding day or any other.  And this is coming from a guy who goes to strip clubs WITH his woman.  His friends treat you like a joke because he set the precident.  No woman should hear on the alter about her husbands lapdance the night before. Now that you are single you can find someone who is good to you.

    Post # 350
    Member
    7976 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    View original reply
    trippy1:  I think that this was the right thing to do. Sometimes we can’t see the truth, even when our friends and family have seen it a long way back…

    Post # 351
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee

    I made the same kind of mistake. My parents pressured me into getting married when i wanted to cancel the wedding. I ended up getting a divorce a couple of years later and my priest offered me an annulment, saying it was not a love match due to their pressure. I wish you the best. 

    Post # 352
    Member
    947 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I read your OP and your update. It seems like he didn’t really want marriage but went along with it anyway.

    It’ll get easier, and you’ll move on and find someone who wants to be with you!

    Post # 353
    Member
    2120 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

    View original reply
    trippy1:  Thank you so much for your update. I remember your OP and have sometimes thought of you. Whereas I think divorce should only be an absolute last resort, I think in your case you absolutely made the right choice 🙂 Please don’t worry about his family, they’re just embarassed by the situation and being spiteful. 

    Post # 354
    Member
    1323 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    thanks for your update! you are a very strong woman and you deserve SO much better. i will pray for your happiness in the future, and that you meet a much better and honest man in the future. 🙂 

    Post # 355
    Member
    310 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    trippy1:  I’m so glad you came back to update.  We were all rooting for you and continue to do so.  Were you able to get him out of your house?

    Post # 357
    Member
    13536 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    View original reply
    trippy1:  Best of luck for a new beginning and a better future ahead than you ever would have had with the ex.  He and his family sound equally warped.   As if anyone with a sane mind would go through with marriage just for the sake of a  wedding day.  

    Post # 358
    Member
    7638 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    trippy1:  I remember your story. Well done and thanks for the update! I don’t usually advocate a quick divorce but your situation was one of the exceptions. Also good on your family for standing by you.

    Post # 359
    Member
    3025 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

    View original reply
    trippy1:  Thank you for updating. I have though about you many times and hoped that you stood your ground. I’m so glad to hear you are divorcing him and moving on. I’m  sorry he turned out to be so useless and heartless, but you made the right decision.

    I wish you all the best for your future!

    The topic ‘Hungover for the wedding’ is closed to new replies.

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