- 7 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
A person who truly didn’t get it would have tried really hard to figure it out by now, because of how upset you are and the unpleasant confusion they’d feel. He hasn’t, because he gets it. Even before your first explanation, he fully understood what he had done, and all of its implications. It’s why he hid what he was doing ahead of time, and why he won’t discuss it or try to work through it now. He knows every little detail of why and how what he did was wrong, but admitting he understands any of that would mean a couple things.
First, he knows he’d have to apologize. That doesn’t work too well with his power paradigm. Second, he knows he’d then have to work to make ammends. He obviously is quite averse to putting hard work or sacrifice into your relationship – he proved that on your wedding day.
Pretending he doesn’t understand is borderline more insulting than if he just said “fuck you” in some ways. Its implications are the same, as in “I have no intention of dealing with this, and am dismissing this subject and you.” But it means more. It also includes this idea that “your opinions on this are so off-the-wall, so nutty, that I can’t even comprehend them because your overreaction is just that out there.” He’s gaslighting you in an attempt to, again, have power over and control you, and make it seem like he did nothing wrong, and you’re just this crazy bitch.
This is again why he should go to therapy. To some degree I am sure some of what he’s doing is either subconscious, or he’s really actively trying to justify it. Most people aren’t totally comfortable with feeling like miserable human beings, so they’ll try to write it off mentally. So while he most likely realizes what he did, he really quickly follow that up in his mind with “but she was being ridiculous! And I need my freedom,” that sort of thing. But if he has a professional calmly tell him what he did, and thatr he had no real excuse for it, then he’ll be forced to stop imagining he was justified.
Anyhow, stick to your guns! I hope that somehow this can have a happy, or at least relatively clean and easy ending!