Post # 1
I’m more of a lurker than a poster, but unfortunately my feelings are getting worse. My boyfriend and I have been together coming up on 4 years in December. Since the second year, we’ve talked about having kids and getting married. Ever since about the third year multipul people in our social circle have been getting engaged and married. 3 of those couples met, got engaged, and married in the time we’ve been together. Well today yet another one of those couples got engaged, and I was just crushed. I feel guilty for not being excited for these people, but my feelings are hurt. I feel like he says he wants to marry me, so what is he waiting for? I don’t really mention marriage TOO much, because I don’t want him to marry me out of pressure, I want him to do it because he wants to. I kinda wish it didn’t hurt so much seeing other happy couples moving on with their relationships around me. I guess I kind of just want some reassurance that my feelings are justified, and I’m not alone in being bitter of other people.
Post # 2
different people have different timelines and that’s ok. Fiance and I knew each other (not together) 9 years before we got engaged and decided on a short, 6 month engagement. A cousin was with her now husband 18 months before he proposed. Another cousin was with hers 14 years, she in fact proposed. My brother proposed to his wife after 7 months.
So yes. You’re allowed to feel sad. But your time will come it’s different for everyone.
Have you talked about timelines?
Post # 3
You’re not alone I promise, there are LOTS of other girls/guys waiting for a proposal.
Do you think your partner would be okay with how much pain this is causing you?
I’m sure he doesn’t know unless you’ve shared.
I would take some time to sit down and have a timeline conversation, this is YOUR life too, you get a say on your future.
Post # 4
we haven’t specifically talked about a timeline. He’s always said that he didn’t want to be a 50 year old man with a teenager. The other day we did have a semi serious talk about our future, and I set him straight. I told him that he is 31 years old, he wants 2 children, and we aren’t even engaged yet. I made sure he knew that even if we got engaged this second, there was no avoiding the inevitable and children were not an option for me. The idiot goes “I guess you’re right.” I just wanted to punch him cause he never thought about it. We were toying around with the idea of having our dogs in the wedding, and he said “they’ll probably mellow out by then.” I told him that that’s probably not going to happen, because I want to get married within the next two years. I guess I kind of made a time line, but I refuse to sa”marry me by this time or I’m gone.” That’s just not who I am, and I love him too much.
Post # 5
I would personally have another discussion about this. Men do seem to think they have all the time in the world sometimes! I think you need to find out also how HE feels about this. From your post there’s a lot of very valid reasons for how you feel but you’ve not actually said about how HE feels about the situation. Ask him directly, does he have any reservations, what is his timeline, is there something he would like to share about the concept. If you both understand where you are with this it’s easier than trying to play the guessing game. Get it all out there on the table and move forward either together, or your separate ways.
Post # 6
If I am reading your latest update correctly, he wants children someday and you do not? If this is the case, this is why you haven’t gotten engaged because there is no room for compromise with this topic. You both want different things out of life.
Post # 7
I have to agree with mrsfergie. Kids are a huge dealbreaker. He probably loves you and might even see a future with you except for this one huge thing. You shouldn’t get engaged if you both are wanting different lives. Neither of you are going to end up happy.
Post # 8
You love and want to marry the man to whom you refer as ‘the idiot’?
He wants two children, and, if we’re understanding you correctly, you want no children. Both perfectly valid choices, but completely irreconcilable. There is no compromise when it comes to having kids. How do you two plan to work this out? You should not even be thinking about marriage until the kid issue is resolved.
Post # 9
I’m going to assume when you said “children are not an option for me,” you meant that NOT having children was not an option, as in you definitely want children? Because otherwise, if he wants children and you don’t, I don’t see how it will work.
So assuming you are on the same page as far as having children, my advice would be having another talk with him. That talk you had the other day was a good start. Your SO sounds a bit like my SO. I also had to have a talk with him about this, because he mentioned he wanted us to have our first kid by the time he was 33 ideally, and he was 30 at the time, and I was like, “Um you realize that only gives us 3 years to get engaged, get married, and get pregnant, right?” So that made him realize that he had to start thinking seriously about getting engaged soon. Then we had another talk later where we actually established a firm timeline of when he will propose, based on when we want to get married and when we want to start trying for kids.
That’s the thing, the timeline talk doesn’t have to be “propose by this time or I’m out.” It’s more just getting on the same page. Talking about when you want kids, and when you want to get married. And from there, establishing a timeline that makes sense so that you achieve those goals when you want to. If your SO is like mine, he’s not great at establishing a realistic timeline on his own. There’s no harm in talking to him about it, you are a partnership and should be planning your future together.
Post # 10
scxki : “children were not an option for me”
What does this mean? You can’t or don’t want to have children? And he does? That’s the bigger issue Bee.
Post # 11
Tell him he has til the end of the year to propose, you’re getting tired of waiting and it’s causing resentment toward him. I always prefer the direct approach.
Post # 12
You’re really going to need to clarify the children thing from your update.
Were you meaning to tell him that because of age you guys have already waited too long so children are no longer in the cards?? That’s what I took it as.
Regardless of that issue, it sounds to me like you two don’t communicate very clearly with one another. That’s a probelm – not just for getting engaged, but for building a marriage on. You need to be able to tell him clearly how you are feeling and why and communicate clearly what you want from him. He needs to be able to do the same. It sounds to me like you bring it up and then let the conversation end way too quickly without any resolution. That’s no way to work through the many, many decisions you will need to make together as a team throughout your life together if you do get married.
Post # 13
I want kids! I should have made it clearer, sorry everyone! I meant that I’m afraid that now that he’s going to have a teenager in his 50s, he’s going to change his mind and say “never mind I don’t want kids.” Also I call him an idiot out of love, not viciousness.
Post # 14
I had to end my last relationship before I met my now husband, because he didn’t want to marry again ever. Yes, I loved him, but that wasn’t ever going to result in marriage. If you are ok with handling total control of the rest of your life over to him, just carry on and see what happens.
Women don’t have to sit around passively waiting for a proposal. Sit down and have a talk about timelines. See if you are anywhere on the same page. If he doesn’t want to be a 50 year old with a teenager, he needs to have children before he is 37. Where does that fall in your timeline? How old are you two now?
Post # 15
Ok then have a Frank detailed discussion of what needs to happen in what timeline. Find out if this means he doesn’t want children, just one or if he is ready to get engaged and married by x year to fit into the timeline he told you. Tell him your thoughts on what he says.