Post # 32
Everything Jadore Glamour and pendola said are true 100%!
She needs to be included on important decisions???? Excuse me…decisions pertaining to YOUR LIFE. On what planet? Wow her manipulation tactics are in full force. LOL its beyond laughable.
You need to set your tolerance level high and your boundaries even HIGHER. Sure you can spend time with the families, but on YOUR terms. Always remember you don’t owe her damn thing, other than basic respect (even though she clearly has issues with respect herself). But also, respect is EARNED. If she can’t behave herself then there is no reason to spend time with someone who makes you feel bad. That’s volunteering for an abusive, toxic and one-sided relationship. She can’t make you feel bad if your not around for it. Ultimately it does take TWO people to “fight”.
And as far as “kids” go. Please. You will have to totally minimize the time she spends with them, cause all she’ll do is add them into the drama.To her people are things or pawns that she wants to move around her sick checkerboard.
Remember what I told you, stop trying to understand or analyze her behavior. I know its hard but you are actually are in control — more than you give yourself credit for.
Post # 33
(this is a really long reply, sorry…)
I’m so in the same boat as you are!! My husband’s mother has never liked me, it’s the whole “I’ve been the #1 woman in his life and now you’re coming to take my place” garbage. When we moved in together last year she never once wanted to come and see our home together, or was interested in OUR lives. Everytime she called it was to talk about herself. Once we got engaged we NEVER recieved anything from her in the form of a “congratulations”, no card…nothing. She complains about me all the time, and finally just got to the point where she ignores me when I’m at family functions and pretends like I don’t exist. My husband deployed 2 weeks after we got married (private ceremony in Jamaica last year that NO ONE could ruin, are having our “real” wedding when he comes home from Iraq) and I’v gotten absolutley no support from her. My husband is struggeling with how to handle her, but he is firm and coming to the realization that she really will NEVER change.
It’s a daily battle. she is so coniving and manipulating but my husband and I are not blinded by this anymore. He recently came home on leave for 2 weeks and we had his family over for dinner and she got totally drunk and acted so innapropriate. The last thing we needed after not being together for 7 months was that!! Anyway she called the next day and “apologized” saying “I don’t remember anything, but apperently I got a little tipsy. So I’m sorry.” My husband just excepted it and moved on. I still want him to really stand up to her and not fall into the mama’s boy thing like he does, but with everything on our plate right now I just figure we’ll deal with it when he’s home. For now I ignore her because it’s gotten to the point where if I have to talk to her or spend time with her my stress level raises too high. Between my high stress career and the deployment there is no room for negative people in my life, or my hysbands. All we can do is set up boundaries and live our life together. It’s up to her what role she wants in our life. Eventually we will need to set down some VERY clear boundaries if she goes farther, but trust me when i say that you’re not alone, and many of us have this problem.
We can’t change other people, we just have to live our lives and do whats right and healthy for us. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive and strong husband, as you are strong and supportive as well. Hold your ground, follow your hearts, and do what it right for you and your husband. Whether you Mother-In-Law likes it or not, he now has a family of his own (regardless of the fact if you 2 have kids or not), and he has a NEW nuclear family. She holds a different role in his life now as a supporter and not a decision maker. You can only do so much to accamodate others, because at the end of the day you have to take care of yourself and your immediate family first. You’re doing the right thing by standing your ground. I know how hard this is. Be greatful you have each other to lean on. It could be worse…
Post # 34
Just an update:
My husband and I have decided to sit down and put all of our thoughts and feelings onto paper. We know she won’t be ok with a sit-down discussion, so we are going to write everything out and send her an email. I think that will help us not say anything in the heat of the moment as well.
Every year his family goes to the coast for the 4th of July weekend, and while we all discussed it months ago, his family hasn’t spoken to him since this whole mess blew up. He can’t stand being the bad guy and wants to fix the situation, which I understand, but in his family “fixing the situation” means “sweeping it under the rug and pretending it didn’t happen.” Which I am obviously NOT okay with. I think she needs to know how we are feeling and she needs to know that she can’t treat us like crap whenever she wants to.
Therefore, our compromise = email to the Mother-In-Law explaining how we feel and how we’d like things to be in the future.
We’re hoping to send it this weekend…
Post # 35
I wish the best for you I really do but if someone was righ above about her having a PD, you seriously are talking to a wall. Whatever you write in that letter, whether you pour your heart and soul into it or you do something really simple to where she can’t twist it, she will find a way. She won’t give a damn and will fly off the handle.
I realize this is your compromise but I just want to be honest about the likelihood that she’ll accept what you both have written. It won’t change over night.
Post # 36
We are fully aware of the possible reactions we could get with our letter, but we feel at this point in time it is the best way to approach the situation. At least she will know we are unified and standing together. I know that it might not make a difference one way or the other, but for us to sit around and do nothing doesn’t seem to be helping either of us feel better. We don’t want this to turn into something that might strain our marriage, and we’d rather deal with it while the wounds are still fresh, rather than years down the road after many more hurts have been caused.
We’re hoping for the best and preparing for the worst, and right now that is all we really can do.
Post # 37
I totally get what you are saying. When my Brother-In-Law told Mother-In-Law his feelings via letter, she didn’t talk to him for 3 months. When DH told her his feelings via phone, she yelled for a few hours and almost a year later isn’t quiet over it. Both thought “Phew, got that off my chest”, neither expected what came after.
Post # 38
I wish you good luck with the email! I once had a problem with my fiancee’s parents, so I chose to write them a letter as well. I find that those work really really well when the other side doesn’t listen to you, because that way they are forced to just read the letter and really hear you out, without the option of interrupting or focusing on a rebuttal. Just stick up for yourself and be respectful, that is the very best you can do! The rest is unfortunately up to her. I know that it’s hard to let things like that just roll off your back, but try to spend some time with your new husband (ahh! that’s so exciting, congrats!!!) that doesn’t involve her drama, to remind you that having him is worth having to deal with all of his mother’s bullshit
Post # 39
I hope the letter helps her to go some way to see how unreasonable she is being.
I also hope the rest of the family see sense and understand that by letting her act this way towards you is going to ultimately cause her the most pain. She’s obviously holding onto a lot of anger for no reason and it will be her downfall.
If she doesn’t respond well to the letter maybe you and your husband need to walk away from it for a while – maybe a year or so. Once her son is out of her life and she can’t manipulate situations anymore she might realise how childish she has been.
She obviously needs some big smack in the face to make her face up to her problems.
Post # 40
I actually agree with you standing up for yourself and clearing the air but being prepared for her not being receptive and/or coming up some new “thing”. Best of luck to you both.
Post # 41
Oh you poor thing. I had the same problem with my husband’s stepmother. From our experience, it is your husband’s place to confront her. And he WILL have to confront her eventually. And if you think that things are bad right now, just wait until you have children. It only quadruples the problems. We learned to let things go in one ear and out the other for many years. Hubby finally got enough and put her in her place. We no longer have any contact with his father, stepmother, and their spawn. It’s been the greatest years of my wedded life since then. When things did hit the fan, I also learned that his father disliked me as much as she did. He did a much better job of pretending to like me than she did, obviously, as I was heartbroken when I learned he felt the same as her. My best advice is for you to live your lives and don’t include them or let them interfere in your relationship. She likely won’t change so you’re going to need to figure out how best to “handle” her if she continues in your lives. Good luck.
Post # 42
I was just wondering if you and your husband sent the letter and what the outcome was. I don’t have the best relationship with my Mother-In-Law or SIL but nothing like this. If they hate me, they keep it to themselves. Your situation sounds scarily close to my best friends in-law situation. She and her husband have been married for 3 years (on 7/7) and the situation has continue to get worse. They have a 1.5 year old and that has not helped at all. In their situation, the husband doesn’t do the best job of defending her. While he may stick up for her (in words) he’ll still go visit his family without my friend instead of saying that unless the Mother-In-Law improves behavior she won’t see him at all. This is a woman that has left messages on their answering machine saying she hopes my friend chokes on her dinner and dies. Who does that!?
It sounds like your husband is being 100% supportive of you and hopefully your relationships with the rest of the family won’t become too strained. It sounds like she is excessively jealous and is a bit unstable. good luck!
Post # 43
What a horrible thing to have to come home too!!!! In my opinion his mom is very childish especially for never talking to you and never trying to resolve her issues with you. Which to mean I think she probably just has control issues or something and is unhappy about something and taking it out on you. Your husband needs to make it be clear that you are his wife and that issues with you and issues with him and that it’s not ok for her to treat you in that or talk about you like that. I mean hello what does she think is going to happen if you guys have kids, there is no way I would let my kids go with a person who treats you the way she does. It stinks you have to deal with it, but just make it clear that you guys don’t need her in your lives if that’s how she chooses to act.