Post # 1
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
Let me start with some background… My ex was verbally abusive and manipulating. I was used to put downs followed by some sweet romantic jesture… What happened last night is so unlike Fiance and so like the Ex that I really don’t know how to respond.
Last night I was called a Dumb Bitch…
I didn’t do anything. The situation was that he had told me he would call (we are in an LDR) and then when he did he freaked out about something at his apt said he would call back and hung up… this was at 4pm. By 11:30 Im going to bed because I had to wake up early the next day. I shot him a text and asked why he hadn’t called. I knew he may have been out with friends and if he was I didn’t want to ruin his night. Next thing I know my phone is blown up with texts about how he wants to just chill with friends and that he hates who he is because when we get married he won’t be able to hang out with his friends and such. Let me clarify that I never asked him to stop seeing friends or try to get in the way of it. However I know he is under stress from moving at the end of the month and that he worries he will end up like his other married buddies whose wives control them. I think with everything getting closer emotions raged and his mind shut off. his texts got to a point that I couldn’t respond and thus I called for lack of a better way to communicate. He picks up the phone and yells at me… “What do you want Dumb Bitch?!”
This is really unlike him and now the next day I am still hurt. I don’t know how to respond or get past it I have been close to tears all day. My Fiance is not like that at all. In our relationship no matter how often I try to tell him it goes both ways he says its the man’s job to keep the woman happy. He was raised in a somewhat older mindset. But we got past it and he realizes now im just as much there for him as he is for me. He is sweet, kind, and loving all the time. My power went out he drove the hour to pick me up and take me back to his place for the night. I’ll go to take a nap and he will follow me just to rub my back. He sends tons of texts to tell me he loves me. he never puts me down. He never says a bad word around me so last night was a complete shock.
I need help in how I respond. I know that we are both super stressed but that doesn’t excuse this. I love him with all my heart and He has apologized with out me saying anything several times, I know he feels bad and that it is out of character. But I just can’t seem to get past it. What should I do? The wedding is still happening this little situation could never change our love for each other nor make me want to leave him.
EDIT* I have come to understand the calling back situation was a miscommunication. He forgot about and thought I was calling him… No biggie mistakes happen that part we are cool on
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
This would not fly with me, at all. You need to address it asap so he knows that its unacceptable. Just talk to him and tell him that no matter how angry or frustrated he is, that isn’t an okay way of expressing his feelings. He needs to be able to communicate without treating you like that. And he needs to take it seriously. My fiance said something like that once and I quickly intereruped him with ‘Please, if you want this relationship to move forward you can never speak to me like that agian. It’s not okay and I will not put up with it.’ He’s never spoken to me like that again.
Good luck, sorry he was mean!
Post # 4
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
Well, I think you should just talk to him. Sometimes people make mistakes and I firmly believe that sometimes people deserve another chance.
I think you need to talk to him about the name he called you. You are right, there is no excuse. Once name calling and putting down comes into the conversation, everything else is out the window. Talk to him about it openly and let him know that you are extremely hurt by it. Be strong and stand your ground. Let him know you will not stand for that and you deserve more respect than that.
In time you will heal. You just need to make sure he is really sorry and that he understands the severity of it.
Next, you guys should talk about the other issues about him feeling like he won’t have a life after marriage. He might just be freaking out. I felt that way for about a week before our wedding. Not sure of your ages or how long you have til your wedding or any other details about your relationship, but you guys need to communicate your thought and fears. Good luck!
Post # 5
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
@Birdee106: Let me clarify that something was said, I asked him to repeat what he said becasue to be honest I thought with him at the bar I had heard background noise… nope he said it again though with a little remorse in his voice (that oh crap where was my censor tone) I told him that if he was going to act like my ex he could become my ex and he immediately said he was sorry and explianed himself. I really don’t know why I can’t get past this it just cut so deep
Post # 6
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
Yeah definitely talk to him….you also said you are in a LDR….have you spent a lot of time with him? In his own social situations etc? Sometimes, regardless how me we love someone when we are LD it’s hard to truly KNOW them…just be careful…
Post # 7
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
That was extremely disrespectful to you. He’s completely misunderstanding that he’s always going to be able to hang out with them.
You never deserve to be called a dumb bitch.
Just read your response, you handled the immediate situation perfectly. Just tell him it still hurts. And the exact phrase you used as it cutting you deep.
Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
@LaTortuga: You can’t get past it because you’re scared of reliving the past. You’ve been there, done that, and don’t want to go through it again. I agree with PP that you need to talk about his fears of becoming like his married friends. Explain to him that you don’t expect him to stop spending time with his guys and that you arn’t going to control him like their wives. Still though, the dumb bitch thing is just wrong. I don’t know how you let that go, it would sit with me for awhile.
Post # 9
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
@thenuggetbride: we are 29 and 21 (29 almost 30{20days after wedding} and 22 at wedding time) I know that the end of his 20s is scaring him, he is moving out of his bachlor pad soon, and tons of his friends have now met me… I am sure a lot of this is coming from stress. We have already started to talk about that and I’m helping him as best I can work out this doubts. His only other couple “role models” besides his parents are friends who have controling wives. Since day one his buddies have mentioned to him that he was lucky how cool laid back I was about him have guys nights. It this Dumb B*tch thing that hurt.
Post # 10
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
@smcs28: I see him every weekend (3 days) if not more, I have hung out with his groups, with his family etc. I know this is way out of character for him
Post # 11
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
You really need to stop making excuses for this dude. What he said wasn’t cool, you know this. You know you did not deserve that. I want to reach through the computer and shake you!
He sounds like he has alot of growing up to do if his main concern is being tied down after marriage. There are several options available as to what you can do about it, it is entirely up to you, but his attitude has got to change before you two get married.
Post # 12
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
@LaTortuga: I completely understand. I think he was disrespectful and he should not have talked to you that way. It’s completely unfair. I don’t think age/how long you have been together or anything like that is an excuse for putting down someone you love in such a belittling way. I’m sorry that you are going through this, but continue to be strong and mature. Stand up for yourself and make sure he doesn’t treat you this way again!
Post # 13
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
When you have calmed down, without anger, without tears, tell him and mean it, that as you respect him, you expect to be respected. And to never speak to you again like that – with cursing, swearing and yelling.
If he has apologized, accept his apology and don’t keep bringing up this incident. It should not happen again and IF it did, you should not tolerate it.
Post # 14
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
THanks ladies, When we talked a a few minutes ago he brought it up and stated he feels like shit and that he didn’t sleep well. I am not making any excuses for him I will leave if this happens again but since it is so out of character I know that leaving him just for this if it was a raging emotions mistake that only happens this once I would never forgive myself. It seems like perhaps he is as hurt as i am but time will tell and for now I feel on guard. Time will tell.
Post # 16
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
I have the whole verbally abusive ex history too. He called me names, and did whatever he could to tear me down. If my Fiance called me “dumb bitch” , we would have a serious talk about delaying or canceling the wedding. I love him, but I love myself enough to not get into a bad situation again too.
Sorry, but I have to question why “dumb bitch” immediately came out of him when talking to you. If you were annoyed with him would you immediately opt to call him a name? I’d think not. You two really need to talk about what’s going on, his fears and why he opted for name calling. For a guy his age, that’s pretty ridiculous. You have every right to be upset and not okay with what he said.