(Closed) Hurt and upset – Am I overracting or did I have this coming? (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would be upset too however you were completely in the wrong making those comments. Until the very end I thought you were in fact meaning those comments in regards to weight. If my Darling Husband kept pestering my sister like that I think I would snap to defense too. In the future keep negative comments to yourself and if your upset about her freeloading off you guys then discuss it with him. It doesn’t sound like his parents are doing anything really to help combat her behavior and really it’s not your responsibility. 

Post # 4
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Oh my… any negative comment about how a woman looked in her wedding dress is definitely a low blow.  I would definitely be hurt, but I think you might have to chalk this one up to both of you shooting your mouths off without thinking. 

Post # 5
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, and don’t take this the wrong way, I think you are overreacting. This is just a case of miscommunication (intentions behind the words). One of the qualities I love about my Fiance is that when I am make comments that may seem out of line, he calls me out on it and vice versa. It seems to me that your husband is a great guy bc he stood up for a loved one when he thought they were being picked on. Unfortunately, he misconstrued what you were saying bc you weren’t forthright, and it was unfortunte you were the one he thought was making the “mean comments.” I don’t think it’s so much of him taking her side but his instincts kicking in. He is her older brother after all. Granted, his comment wasn’t nice either. Next time, don’t be so passive aggressive. Spit it out. It’ll save you both drama of misunderstandings. As for the honeymoon phase, if you let this fester mentally, it will impact the bliss your experiencing. You discussed it, he apologized, move on, and enjoy your life together.

Post # 6
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I completely disagree with the previous poster. She is going to do what others allow her to do. By giving in to her and buying everything for her she will continue to live off of other people instead of growing up and paying for things herself. My Fiance is the same way. He keeps buying things for his family because they are “family”. At some point you have to cut these people off and make them live on their own means. 

Post # 7
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@soonerbride:  Just to clarify, I’m not saying the OP overreacted to her SIL mooching off on her. I am speaking of overeacting in thinking hubby picked sister over her. I’m all for OP to take a stance against SIl’s mooching. Just don’t do it passive aggressively bc it leads to misunderstanding.

Post # 8
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

@soonerbride:  No one is saying to let her continue to freeload. In fact not one of us said that. Just bc OP wants to stop it doesn’t mean she had the right to say those things especially since they could be so misinterpreted. She could have phrased things better or not said anything at all and then discussed it with her husband to not buy her stuff anymore.

Post # 9
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I know you wrote this post to get honest feedback. So, honestly, Yes I think you are over reacting. I think your words were hurtful as well.  I think your Darling Husband was trying to make light of the situation and give you the same treatment you were giving his sister.

Now on the other hand. OMG I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! UGH! my Fiance has sisters…. last summer we drove 1500 miles to go to on a family vacation – paid for everything ourselves (didnt tell his family that Fiance just got laid off and this was super expensive for us, just kept it to ourselves) and one of his sisters…. drove about 1000 miles, so i understand, but came with NOTHING no food nothing! and expected Fiance to buy them (her Darling Husband mind you this was the first time the entire family was meeting her Darling Husband and his kids)  we spent $150 on groceries for them. and then a few  days later we all went to a dinner at a nice place knowing someone else was paying, my Fiance and I ordered reasonable meals and had water. They had the most expensive meals on the menu nd each had drinks – I just was shocked. Then we were all invited to go to a movie, (we were told that someone else was paying) so then when we got there we were informed that the person originally paying wasnt going to and they got MAD! I was like seriously? I dont get it! I seriously wanted to tell them SHUT UP- stop MOOCHING – good greif we bought you groceries and your brother doesnt even have a JOB anymore! grow up…

but I didnt as I didnt — I REALLY wanted to! I can really understand why you felt the way you did, but I think my Fiance probably would have reacted as yours did. Even though you are his lovely wifey, its a connection between family that has a way of making you defend them even when you didnt think you would!

Post # 11
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@hduras54:  its very understandable! we are girls!!!! and sometimes the slightest things we can take the wrong way. it doesnt make us wrong, just girlie! 🙂 

Post # 12
Member
748 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yeah. It sounds like just a misunderstanding and a hiccup between you and your SO. I wouldn’t let it color the rest of your relationship by any means.

 

I would totally get on the same page about the sister though, lay down some ground rules. When she’s not around of course.

Post # 13
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Given that it sounded like you were picking on her weight, I can see why your Darling Husband jumped in the way he did.  It was mean of him to say, but the exact words you used came off in the same way.

Since the problem is actully with her mooching, you two need to agree that he’s not going to enable her any more.  He needs to stop loaning her money, and not give her a cent, not even buying fast food.  She’s plenty old enough to be taking care of herself.  And she’s never going to learn unless everyone holding her up drops her on her butt.

At 21 I had a small apartment where I lived alone, a full time job, went to school 2 nights a week, and had a dog (poor little guy had to rely completely on me).  I don’t have any sympathy for overgrown babies who still want to live like 10 year olds and have someone else provide everything for them.  

Post # 14
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

well…I think, as with many in-law type situations that you’re allowed to feel what you feel and your husband should know and respect that, BUT anytime you speak up and address your partner’s family in a negative way you should be prepared for a bad backlash. I’m not saying it’s fair, but you’re still in a newly wedded stage (idk how long being a family outsider lasts, forever, who knows). It’s just a dangerous game to play when you start calling your partner’s family members out on their behavior. 

I think what he said was wrong, but I also think what you said was wrong too. I could also totally understand how they thought you were calling his sister fat. So, two wrongs don’t make a right, apologize and the next time you have an issue keep it to yourself or tell your husband in private. It was rude of hsi sister to order that type of meal on your dime, but as a couple you shouldn’t have offered if you didn’t want to pay. 🙁 I’m sorry it’s a crappy situation, but I’m sure it will blow over. Maybe use this as a starting point to have a conversation with your husband about boundaries and his sister?

Post # 15
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We have all said someting from pent up anger that came off wrong. I wouldn’t let this deflate your honeymoon stage. Just a little miscommunication of intent. You have every right to be pissed about the SIL. I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t be annoyed. It would be wise to have a discussion with your Darling Husband so you can work together to set some boundaries with the SIL. It sounds like you both don’t know eachothers expectations in dealing with her. 

Post # 16
Member
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I thought you were calling her fat too 🙁 sorry. I know how it feels to get upset about stuff like this. I don’t think he was siding with his sister, I think he was just trying to point out that what you were saying was coming off a little harsh.

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