(Closed) hurt by bridesmaid’s comment

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

Woah, that’s pretty rough. All I can say is that the conversion experience can be really intense for people and they don’t speak from the logical part of their brains when discussing it sometimes. Try not to take it to heart; CLEARLY what she meant was that she found something that she believed and responded to in a way that she didn’t feel for Catholicism, even though she didn’t know how to say that.

Post # 4
Member
5388 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I completely understand why you are upset and I’m not catholic, I’m baptist. She may not have meant it in a rude way, or maybe she was being defensive. If she made another comment like that again, I would point out how offensive that was.

Post # 5
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Try not to get too consumed by her comment. Yes, she could have phrased it in a nicer tone but I’m assuming you knew about her converting well BEFORE she was asked to be a bridesmaid so one some level you had to have seen this coming. By the way, I’m not excusing her behaviour by any means just keep in mind that religion is a heated topic and everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Post # 6
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I can definitely relate. I’m Russian Orthodox, and we do a lot of things that are uber conservative. I once had a friend who said something to the effect of, “oh…I thought it was only your crazy cult religion that did that!” I ended up letting her know how much her comment hurt me, and she sincerely apologized. She wasn’t religious at all, and I don’t think she realized how hurtful her comment was.

My suggestion would be to take your Bridesmaid or Best Man aside and let her know that what she said hurt you. That everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that while she isn’t Catholic anymore, you’d appreciate it if she refrained from bashing your faith in front of you. Of course, word it a little nicer than I just did, but I think that making her aware that your comment hurt you will open her eyes to what exactly happened.

So…no, I don’t think you’re overreacting, and having a talk with her will help to clear the air.

Post # 7
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think she will think your wedding is a lie. That’s a pretty strong statement. Personally, I’ve been in Catholic weddings as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I’m not a Catholic, I don’t believe in a lot of the things that the Catholic Church believes, but in no way was I standing there thinking to myself “THIS WEDDING IS ALL A BIG LIE!” I was joyful and happy for my friend. What kind of wedding she chose to have didn’t matter to me at all. It wasn’t about Catholicism, it was about my friend’s happiness. 

I do think she should have reeled it in with her comment, though. That’s a bold statement to make, especially in front of someone of that faith. Don’t hold it against her, though.I’m sure she was not purposefully trying to hurt or insult you.

Post # 8
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it is petty, but at the same time, I don’t think it should change her being in your wedding if she is a true friend to you otherwise.  You mention that if she had “said it in a nicer way” this wouldn’t be as big of an issue.  However, what you are upset about now is that she will stand up with you and think inside that it’s all crap.  Here’s the thing – you also say that you didn’t choose your BM’s based on religion.  Whether she vocalized her feelings about the religion or not, she may have stood there on your wedding day with that thoughts – the differnence is now that you KNOW how she MAY be feeling.

I don’t think it is a matter of over-reaction as much as you being hurt about something.  You have the right to be hurt, no one can really tell you “don’t be hurt” about something.  Thing is, as I mentioned you almost contradict yourself in your post about why this is so upsetting to you – which leaves me wondering if it is really this ONE comment by her that has you upset.  or perhaps this friend has a habit of being overly blunt, embarassing you, saying mean or upsetting things, etc…

Chances are if this is really about the one comment, its probably better to just politely tell her your feelings were hurt and move on.  A good friend, regardless of religion, is not going to stand with you on your wedding day criticizing you – She is going to be happy for her friend who is being married.

So ask yourself if you are really upset about her non-belief in your religion during your ceremony or if it is something else that has got you riled up.

Either way – hugs sent your way because ALL of us know what it is like to be emotional when planning your wedding!  🙂

 

Post # 9
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am sorry she said that, as Miss Spaniel said I don’t think she meant it in a bad way. People get carried away/swept up especially when they’ve recently converted. I was all uber excited when I left the religion of my youth to join the one that my Fiance is a member of, and as an “excitable” person I can understand that people really don’t mean to be mean- they’re just excited… sometimes people just don’t think before they speak…

Post # 10
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

When it comes to religion, everyone has their own truth, and it sounds like she just put her foot in her mouth during what was probably a highly emotional situation for her. Your bridesmaid has religious differences with you. This in no way means that she doesn’t believe you’ve found the person you’ll be with forever. I’ve certainly gone to and participated in ceremonies where I disagreed with the religious aspect, but it didn’t make the union between those two people any less moving or real.

Post # 11
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I understand why you would be upset but I say don’t stress it. The truth to you is not the truth to everyone else. While it was rude of her, I would ignore it.  Religion is such a touchy subject.

Post # 12
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

That was an incredibly rude and hurtful thing for your bridesmaid to say, and you are certainly not overreacting. When people experience a religious conversion, they often feel very passionately about not only their new faith, but also about what they have decided was incorrect about their former faith or former lack of faith. This will inevitably hurt to contemplate if this is the first time that you have done so, but it is a sure thing that there will be people involved in your wedding who will believe that your religion and its rituals are not true or correct. That’s just a part of us all following different faiths. If everyone believed in Catholic doctrine and rituals, then they’d become Catholics. But of course, while there may be people present and even closely involved in your wedding, you’re correct that there’s no reason why they should shove it in your face that they disagree with you. I would hope that most of your attendants and guests will respectfully watch your ceremony and participate to the spiritual extent that they are able, whether through praying for your new marriage or through simple glad-hearted joy and well-wishing. Personally, I don’t think anything like asking her to step down is necessary, but you would be perfectly within your rights to have a conversation with her letting her know that the two of you will never agree completely about religion but that it hurts you to hear her discuss yours in a disrespectful manner. If she has an ounce of decency, that should serve as a wakeup call that she needs to change her attitude. Hopefully there won’t be any more incidents like this and you can enjoy your wedding and the support and love of all those gathered around you.

Post # 13
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Religion is one of those things that is almost always awkward to talk about, especially since there are so many variations. I have a very difficult accepting that one religion is wrong where another is right. If you get down to the root of all religions, they are generally based on the same morals and values. Your friend was not the most sensitive about making her comment, but don’t take it to heart. Catholicism is no less of a ‘real’ or ‘true’ religion than any other. It’s all about what fits with the individual’s own beliefs. Unfortunately some people take that to an extreme to believe that means others are wrong, and that’s what causes so much conflict in this world.

Post # 14
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I can totally relate. Isn’t it funny how someone can believe something with such conviction just because they feel it, but not trust that you have conviction and merit in what you believe? I’m sorry she said that, it’s not right. 🙁 

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