Post # 1
So I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a little sensitive about my weight and I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. Since having met Fiance almost 5 years ago, I’ve gained about 30lbs. I’m very self concious about myself and its to the point where (sorry for the TMI) but sometimes I honestly just don’t want to have sex because I feel gross about myself. I don’t feel sexy or beautiful and I know that is my own problem and I’m working on trying to be happy with myself the way I am as well as trying to lose weight and get healthier. Now I know that my Fiance loves me and he’s so excited to get married but sometimes he makes comments that make me feel so shitty and I honestly can’t figure out if he’s trying to do it so that I’ll rethink my eating habits and lose weight or if he’s just being dumb and doesn’t realize it hurts my feelings/I’m being overly sensitive.
The thing is that my Fiance is one of those guys that eat all kinds of shit foods like McDonalds, cookies, candy, ice cream all the time and he never gains weight. He has a job where he drives around all day so he literally eats out at restaurants all day, every day and never gains weight and its not like he eats salads or anything. So I feel like he doesn’t understand that I can’t do things like that and not gain weight, so he always wants to go out to dinner places, he always suggests going to get ice cream in the summer. When we rent movies from redbox, he always insists that we go into CVS and get “movie snacks”, etc. But then we do those things and he makes weird comments like, “I noticed that HUGE handfull of candy you took” or ” you must REALLY love those cookies” etc. Now I know I’m taking these out of context and they probably sound worse in this comment than they did in real life but it still makes me feel like shit and he totally doesn’t get it. When he made that cookie comment (to be fair, I was on my 3rd cookie in like an hour but why does that matter?) Its not his job to police what I’m eating so I don’t get why he says things like that when he’s always the one who wants to go get the junk food in the first place.
The last time he said something (the cookie comment) I got visibly upset and explained to him that comments like that really hurt my feelings and make me feel shitty and gross. He said that he’s sorry he hurt my feelings and that he didn’t mean it like that etc. etc. But I don’t get how you can make comments like that and not think that its going to hurt my feelings, especially when he already knows that I’m self conscious about my weight. I guess I just don’t know how to deal with it because he’s constantly eating junk food and its hard to not eat that crap when its around all the time. And on top of all that, he always makes comments about how fat people are gross (especially women) and will make the occassional “that girl is so hot” comment when we’re watching TV or something. For example, we both watch Girls together and he always says how “Hannah is so gross” and I honestly feel like the weight I am right now is not very far off from her so that kind of comment in itself already gets me thinking in my head, “does he think I’m gross then?” etc. I just don’t know whether I’m being overly sensitive to his comments or if he is really just lying when he says he doesn’t mean it like that…
Sorry to write a novel, I guess I just needed to vent and have someone tell me I’m not crazy for feeling weird about these comments. Anyone else go through this kind of thing? Please tell me I’m not the only one…
Post # 2
I don’t think you’re being oversensitive. He may not MEAN to hurt your feelings, but he is! You don’t have to pretend he isn’t.
Next time he does that, like makes a weird comment about your weight or eating habits, you should stop what you’re doing, look at him, and ask, “What was the purpose of you saying that?”
Because really, I can’t imagine what the purpose would be except to make YOU aware of your eating habits… and why would he do that unless he has a problem with them? So obviously he has an issue and is just pretending nothing’s wrong when you tell him he’s hurting your feelings.
For example – if someone wears a really loud, bright orange dress to a party, and someone says, “wow, your dress is REALLY ORANGE,” they’re not saying it because they like the dress. Otherwise they would give the person an actual compliment. Unless the person is totally socially awkward, they made the comment because they don’t like the dress.
Post # 3
While he is being insensitive, I think they bug you as much as they do because you already are feeling insecure – you are therefore probably hearing truth in his comments, and it hurts. I think you should have a frank conversation about what your goals are and ask him to be on board, to support you and to help you make healthy decisions.
Working to accept yourself as you are is great – but if you are truly unhappy, make a plan 🙂 He is your biggest fan so I am sure he will do what he can, you just need to be clear.
Post # 4
His comments seem a little pointed and would hurt my feelings. I would tell him that you want to lose weight and he isn’t being supportive with the junk food and you’d appreciate him helping you in that way. You do not need to be monitored, and maybe he doesn’t mean to do that but it seems like it.
Post # 5
wow he is clueless, and kind of an ass. I’d be pissed too. I think you need to take control of your own situation on a few fronts. Tell him to watch his mouth when neccessary and stop policing your food intake. And tell him youre done with buying and eating junk food when he suggests it. You blame him but youre responsible for your own food choices. I would just either a)accept and love your body and stay the same or b) accept and love your body and lose the weight that’s bothering you. For most of us (excluding your Fiance and ugh yes, that’s annoying) its regular junk food or trim body. I certainly can’t have both either! It’s just life.
Post # 6
I would read my Fiance the riot act of he made those comments to me. U r not over reacting.
have u told him u r trying to watch what u eat? He seems to be a bit unsupportive all the way around.
Post # 7
uhh he sounds like he needs to get some effing manners. who the hell just talks about how someone’s looks ‘gross’ and ‘makes comments about fat people being gross’ – even if they’re on tv? that’s a SUPER jerk thing to do, and would be a huge turnoff for me. like wtf dude – don’t be such a dick.
and i’d tell him exactly what you said here – it’s not his job to police what you eat, and that he needs to be more sensitive. also – i agree with pps – if someone makes a comment about how many cookies you’re eating/candy you’re having it’s not because ‘yeah! i ALSO love those cookies’ or they would say that. if it’s about the amount/frequency you’re eating, then it’s a judgement. and i wouldn’t be okay with that.
but i would also tell him to stop being such a judgmental ass when he makes comments about overweight people. shit like that is rude always, but after the 8th grade it’s ridiculous. grow up and don’t be a jerk. ESPECIALLY if your partner struggles with their weight. duh.
so no – this isn’t in your head. you’re dating a guy who clearly has strong feelings about what you should eat and what women should look like. what you do about that is up to you.
Post # 8
You are NOT being overly sensitive. (did I really just type those words on the Bee??!)
I would definitely have a serious convo with him about how what he says impacts you and how he can help you, not make you feel worse.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
He’s being insensitive and unsupportive, and you need to tell him. Also, as PP stated, you need to take control of your nutrition, because your food choices are entirely your responsibility. Define your goals and start working towards them. Stop being a follower on his unhealthy foods spree. And, all you do, do it for you, not because he finds overweight people gross.
Post # 10
Yeah, my DH knows better than to say shit like that. Plus, Hannah isn’t exactly huge. Key part of everlasting love is making your partner aware that no matter what their weight is you will love and fancy them regardless. Plus, if my DH started calling women who were overweight gross (unlikely because he loves curves and finds women of all shapes attractive which is healthy in my eyes) I would lose my shit simply because its horribly disrespectful. I would have a serious conversation about making sure this behaviour ceases and desists. Its not constructive or kind. In fact, its humiliating and actively negative. You should not feel self conscious with your partner. He should be your partner in everything so positively you beam with motivation and self worth.
You are not being over sensitive. He needs to sort himself and his priorities out. PRONTO.
Post # 11
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
I think his comments about women being gross and hot etc would bother me more than the food comments, it seems juvenile and disrespectful to me. My SO teases me about food sometimes but i never take it personally because I know he loves my body and that nothing he says is meant as an insult, it’s like if a skinny girl loved food and someone joked about it you would just laugh it off as the truth without meaning behind it. So it’s either your own insecurities influencing what you interpret his words to mean, or he is saying it with some kind of intent. I would have a serious talk about it.
Post # 12
I kind of want to turn the conversation around just a bit. You can total ignore it if it doesn’t relate to you. BUT, if you’re really really self concious you probably have mentioned it once or a million times to your Fiance how horrible you feel. IF that’s true, then he might be thinking he’s trying to help you by reminding you. His tone might not be as hurtful as the way you processed his words in your head.
Speaking from personal experience, try to use it as motivation! I was feeling gross and down when my BF asked me once if I really thought I should be eating icecream and cookies after JUST complaining about my weight. You admit that 3 cookies is a lot in an hour so maybe instead of being hurt by his comment think how many extra calories he saved you by not eating that extra cookie!
Post # 13
I agree hes being an ass about it – but perhaps he is uncomfortable with your weight and wishes you would change. I know that’s an unpopular opinion on the bee – but it’s true. Your partner deserves to be attracted to you. (flame me for this- it’s true both ways. If my husband gained weight I would be upset too)
After I had kids, I worked extra hard to feel comfortable in my own body again – not only for my self esteem but for my Dh too.
It seems to be your main issues are rooted in your weight and your health. Only you can fix that. Maybe he doesn’t know how to ask you.
Post # 14
You are NOT being too sensitive! lol I spit out a piece of candy today and my man was like “what did you spit out?”– and I yelled at him to get out of my car! We were in the driveway and I left to the store with him. You are right, it’s not their job to police out diets! They need to mind their own damn bodies! And if they don’t love us for who we are then they are free to leave. Bullying is not ok.
As for the “that girl is so hot!” comment- NO NO NO! I have ZERO tolerance for that bullshit! Next time that comes out of his mouth you need to give him the look of death and tell him to STOP being disresepectful to you. Say it loud and clear so he knows you mean business, embarass him in public if necessary- they can sure dish it but they can’t take it haha.
Post # 15
honestly, I’d be upset if my Fiance gained 30 pounds unless there was a medical reason behind it. I like the way he looks now and would hate for that to change. that being said, it’s extremely hard to say something to your partner about it in case you hurt their feelings. maybe he’s trying to tell you subtly? Have you got a plan in place to lose the weight, or do you just complain about it?
my Fiance works In a trade so he’s running around all day, while I work in an office. He can eat anything he wants and stays a good weight, while i need to watch what I eat. That means sometimes not partaking in the chocolate etc that he us eating. It’s just a fact of life and I think it’s a bit childish to try and blame him because you don’t have the discipline to moderate.
why don’t you try to meet in the middle? Talk to him about it and agree n say no junk food in the house for 30 Days. Make a commitment to 30min of exercise a day and see what happens. I think it would be good of him to support you through the beginning, but eventually you can’t police his foods, anymore than he can police yours.