(Closed) Hurt & confused — But should I be?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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@alto_treble:  Are you really surprised though? What were you planning to do if he had simply held his ground and told you he was never telling his parents? Maybe this was something you all should have disscussed with a professional in a premarital counseling session. 

Post # 49
Member
2908 posts
Sugar bee

he basically shut me down, saying that he wasn’t going to tell his parents because the past 3 or so years that he has spent trying to reestablish his relationship with his parents (since he moved out of their house and in with me), will be seen as a complete lie in their eyes and he doesn’t want to disappoint them again. He feels like his mom won’t be able

Um, yeah, that’s because it IS a lie. The relationship he has with them, that he is “trying to improve”, is a lie. Until he is honest with them and starts acting like an adult who can make his own decisions, he will feel guilty and bad and you will feel like someone who needs to be hidden. Your relationship with each other is being damaged by this lie. He is wrong.

Post # 52
Member
917 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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@Jijitattoo:  Exactly this…and don’t think this type of thing doesn’t cause damage to your relationship, because I’ve been there, and it does.  Even over a decade later I am still affected from being ‘hidden’…

My ex H didn’t tell his parents that he was in a relationship with me…for 5 years

He was nearly 25 when I met him, and I didn’t go around to his parents house until I was 31.  Looking back, I have no bloody idea why I put up with it as long as I did.  

His reasoning?  He didn’t want any ‘family interference’ with our relationship…which was a load of crap.  He’s always been- and still is – incapable of having an adult conversation with his family.  That is the real reason.  We were engaged for a year before he told his parents…

We’ve now been seperated for over 3 years.  He still hasn’t told any of his family, including his father (exMIL is deceased).  Ex H is now 43… 

So, this type of problem never gets better. 

When we used to fight over this, he always used to threaten to split up with me.  I now wish that we had.  His inability to act like a mature adult was one of the main reasons our marriage failed. 

Post # 53
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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@alto_treble:  Ok so if he had never proposed would you have still felt this strongly? I only ask because you did agree to lie in the beginning. From his stand point he may feel like you are now turning back on an agreement or understanding that you previously had and how does he know there won’t be something else a little like this in the future from you. Not trying to be judgemental or spout any opinions, just trying to point things out on all sides.

Post # 54
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m going to chime in because I just went through this…but I was the one hiding it from my parents. To be fair, I never wanted to live with anyone before I was married (for independence reasons) and moved in because it was important for my fi to live together (he had a long relationship that went sour after they moved in together). We both did a lot of moving after/during this decision to live together so after I originally moved into his house he took a job 5 hours away…so we lived together for a total of 3 weeks. When I moved out there to be with him, my parents were so stressed about where I would be living (like anxiety attacks and extra trips to church to pray) so I figured I would ease their minds and just let them think we were living separate.
Everyone on his side and my brothers knew we lived together; I just let my parents think we had two separate addresses. I’m pretty sure my parents aren’t stupid and had suspicions: my mom asked for his address to “send him a card” and then googled it right after, would ask random, specific questions, etc. I asked both my brothers if I should just rip the bandaid off and they both agreed it wasn’t worth the annoying that is my parents and I would be flooded with emails about living in sin, my dad would probably refuse to talk to me and they probably wouldn’t let my fi come to family events until we separated. They are the type of parents that would send a priest to my door. My solution is just not giving them the fuel.
So, my reasons for not telling them were because I was going to do what I want and I didn’t want to hear their judgement, I didn’t want to argue with them because neither of us would change our minds and I didn’t want their constant reminders of what a terrible person I’m being. I will say though, if we didn’t move so far away I would have told them…I was planning on telling them the first time and just dealing with it.
I would agree with other posters that I would look at everything and if this is the only thing he’s doing that puts his parents ahead of you, it doesn’t necessarily mean he will do that with everything in your marriage. But it is definitely worth taking a close look at.

Post # 55
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Given that money is involved and the relationship with his sister…Is that really worth risking just for your own piece of mind? Piece of mind which may not be normally anyway given that they are likely to reattack badly?

Realistically, how much longer do you have before you are married and get “live together” in their eyes? 

Now yes, lying isn’t great, blah, blah, blah. But it sounds like it might save you pain in the long run to continue lying.

Post # 57
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@alto_treble:  I can definitely understand your frustration…especially since it’s been drawn out for so long. I was in the position of being at a distance and a relatively short time frame (a year prior to getting married) to be able to deal with it with just a small annoyance.  I’m 99% certain my DH would have given me 2-3 months tops to tell my parents had we been living closer. Sometimes I wish I didn’t listen to my brothers and went ahead and told them anyway. Sometimes when we shelter our parents it hurts them from dealing with fact that the world (and relationships) are changing.

Good luck with everything…it sounds like maybe he’s coming around? I think he’ll see it won’t be as bad as what he thinks and it’s like ripping off a bandaid.

Post # 59
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@trueblue14:  +1

My parents are also very conservative, and even though they do not approve of us living together, they still love me and I have always been honest with them.

I think that it would be better for your fiancé to be honest and tell them, rather than living a lie.  If they are not big enough people to get over the fact that not everyone believes the same things they do, and are not supportive of your right to make ADULT DECISIONS, then maybe your future husband just needs to take a stand and deal with the repercussions.

If he doesn’t now, what happens the next time you guys will be doing something against their wishes? Lie about that too? Lies snowball, and they only make things worse.  

Post # 60
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I know this isn’t 100% related but when Fiance and I started dating, we took a trip down to San Fran together. My parents knew about it but asked me not to tell my aunts. We have now been together for five years, been on countless trips and live together and still whenever they mention San Fran or we show them photo albums, we have to lie and say we’ve never been there. 

Although it doesn’t come up as often as your living situation would, I know how it feels to lie. 

Talk to your Fiance and see if you can’t come up with a compromise. Maybe instead of telling them you’ve lived with each other for however long, you can finally say.. I basically live there anyway, I’m moving in full time. 

Just a suggestion but I understand you not wanting to continue this lie…

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