Post # 1
I’m not trying to sound petty or materialistic.(just want to clarify😣)
My 25th birthday was May 28th is kind of a big one (to me anyway.) Presents aren’t super important to me but I’m a little hurt my husband didn’t get me a gift or really acknowledge my birthday.
We are newly married with only a year and a few months under our belt. My husband has been training at an academy out of town and managed to come back for my birthday, however this also happens to Memorial weekend so he happened to be coming home either way and actually had to leave back out of town on my birthday. My birthday fell on Memorial Day so he had the whole weekend to spend together. The Saturday he asked if we could go to the casino to meet his new coworker and I thought it would be fun and it was sweet of him to want to introduce me to him and his wife. On Sunday he spent the day with his family which was fine and I understood since he hadn’t seen them in a while. On Monday when I woke up I didn’t really know what to expect. . My family stopped by to wish me happy birthday early morning, but left pretty soon since they wanted to give us time together since we’ve apart the last few months. I guess the thing that hurt my feelings is that he didn’t even bother to get me a card or take me out to a park or something. I not big on over the top gifts. But I love to know someone actually put some thought into how to make me feel appreciated or special. Now that I think about it the thing that really stood out and probably made it sunk that my bday didn’t matter was that after my family left he got a call from his dad and who was asking what he was doing today and if he was going to come over and his reply was “I don’t have anything special or plans today.” I mean the comment seemed innocent but that really shattered any illusion that he had anything special planned.
I mean he has never been really good at presents, but I’ve always wished he would at least TRY to do something special. I would’ve been happy with a card or poem or just him making me breakfast in bed. He used to at least take me to the park or beach and spend time with me while we ate ice cream. And to be honest a similar situation happened on Christmas. We have been saving to buy a house but I still found a way to get him a gift that he loved. Didn’t so much get a card from him then too.
I feel petty and childish being hurt about getting a gift, but in my mind it doesn’t matter how much something cost. It’s the thought.
It’s been a few weeks now, and I should be over it by now, but I’m still kind of sad and hurt when I think about it. I know, some people aren’t big on birthdays and Christmas, but I would like to know if I’m over reacting and should let this go and talk to him about it again?
Thanks for letting me vent y’all 😓 🙂
Post # 2
sophiap11 : have you told him that birthdays are important to you and you’d like him to do something for you? I don’t mean like hinting, or just expecting him to know this – i mean FLAT. OUT. TELLING. HIM.
if you have, and he ignored it, then you have every right to feel hurt and I’d address this. If not, then while you might wish he did something special, it’s still unreasonable to have that expectation. Fact is, birthdays have vastly difference importance for people. I LOVE birthdays and feel like they’re super important – i like making people feel special on their birthday and like to feel that way on mine. But my husband, for instance, doesn’t think birthdays are special at all. Doesn’t faze him one bit. However, he MAKES our birthday celebrations special because he knows it’s importsnt to me. That’s because I’ve told him.
One thing you learn in marriage or relationships is that people aren’t mind readers. If you want something, you have to be able to clearly communicate that to your partner. It’s not fair to just expect someone to figure out what you want.
Post # 3
If it matters to you, you should talk to him about it. It’s been a few weeks, and you’re still hurt, and men aren’t mind readers. Make sure you’re in a place, mentally, where you can have a discussion without it turning into a fight and say something like:
I know it’s past, but I feel like I should tell you that I was hurt when my birthday came and there was nothing special to mark the occasion. I’m glad that you were home, but I would have liked something in addition to that to make it feel like a celebration. Can we agree that, in the future, we’ll celebrate birthdays with a cake or special meal out?
It’s not accusatory, it’s abotu making plans for the future, and it still gets your point across.
Post # 4
Birthdays are important to me but they weren’t as important to my husband growing up. On my birthday last year he took his parents to the airport in the evening. I was so annoyed and would’ve made them catch a shuttle…
Good thing, we had our engagement party 6 days earlier and that was huge. Pretended that was my birthday party 😝. He did get me a wonderful suitcase set.
Post # 5
My Darling Husband and I had been married for at least ten years before something got to me one gift-giving occasion and I went off on him. And then we realized that I have been celebrating HIS birthday the way I would want mine celebrated (cake, dinner out, perhaps a special activity), and he has been celebrating MY birthday the way he would want his celebrated (no fanfare whatsoever, better if no one even knows).
So perhaps he doesn’t realize that you want some sort of acknowledgement or special activity on your birthday. Sit down and talk with him and tell him what you need.
Post # 6
Not going to lie. I love everyone’s advice and I’ll try to talk to him about it. I have had a conversation before about how I do find them important but that was a few years ago. Maybe it’s time remind him. It might be my fault in a way since I never really ask him for anything since I’m used to being independent. Maybe he got used of me getting what I want myself.
I don’t like to ask for things since it might be a bother. But because of that in my mind those holidays like valentine, Christmas , and birthdays were assumed special days that i had looked forward too.
Thanks everyone 🙂
Post # 7
catskillsinjune : I’ll talk to him about it again. I had the discussion before but that was a few years ago. I know that everyone’s relationship is unique but it’s nice to hear that others have been able to get through similar situations.
Thank you 🙂
Post # 8
Huh. But isn’t it pretty normal that you’d think to get your significant other a birthday gift? Unless you have a tradition of letting gifts and holidays slide by, seems like this is something most people should know. It’s different if you’re broke . . . I hate celebrating my birthday. I just don’t give a fuck about celebrating the day on which I was born. So weird. Shouldn’t we be celebrating our parents for that?
Anyway. Just because I hate doing anything for mine, doesn’t mean I’m so closed-off and dense to not think that others typically like a gift on their day. Not even necessarily something big, just the thought behind it means the most.
I’m in the talk-to-him camp, but he is a bit of a lame-o for just not . . . remembering? Caring? Glossing over it? And you’ve already talked to him about it, so . . . that’s a fail on his part. Sounds like he was focused on his Memorial Day Weekend.
Post # 9
I’ve always looked at birthdays as celebrating that you made it another year on the spinning rock.
Maybe he thought the casino was something big for your bday?
Post # 10
sophiap11 : You’ve talked to him before but there is no change. You could talk to him again about it or accept that he’s never going to meet gift giving expectations! I would immediately stop gifting and acknowledging his birthday, holidays because making an effort when he makes none for yours only makes you *measure the difference* (as you did above) thus making you more resentful. I’m not faulting you at all, I would be hurt/ resentful too!
Post # 11
I get where you are coming from. I love cards as they hold sentimental value to me. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a card out that I’ve received. When I first met my partner I told him that I could care less about gifts, but as long as you get me a card, I’ll be a happy lady. He always gets me both and at first he thought it was odd but having a card from someone is so personal and I love that I can go back and read them. Talk to your hubby, bee. I’m sure he will be accomodating and understand where you come from.
Post # 12
I left this advice on another post that but I’m saying it again: read the 5 love languages book. Both of you. My main love language is gifts and I would be hurt by this too. Talk to him about it and explain why. Gifts are probably not on his radar but if it is important to you then you need to share that with him.
Also you can visit the website and take the quiz, sign up for the emails and it’ll give you tasks to do to meet partner’s love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com
Post # 13
sophiap11 : my H is crap at this too. So now I just pick out what I want , tell him I want the money and go buy it. We don’t really do cards as they just end up in the bin. Like you I am quite independent so this is how we compromised. Just tall to him.
Post # 14
I don’t think you’re being petty or materialistic at all. It’s completely ok to expect to be remembered on your birthday.
I agree that you should talk to your husband and tell that your feelings are hurt over this. Does he celebrate/expect anything on his birthday? How is he with showing that he loves and cares about you in general?
Post # 15
I feel like society has let us all know that birthday gifts and Christmas presents is a thing. Even if they didn’t do it in his childhood and he doesn’t like it, I think it’s a social norm that everyone knows. Love language or not.
You are not being materialistic or anything. Im not a big birthday person or a card person but I do expect my partner to acknowledge my birthday. We don’t do presents but about a week before our birthdays we ask if the other One wants to go to dinner etc. So talk to him again. Also ask him how it makes him feel when you do give him a gift. If he is indifferent then stop doing it. Your feelings are valid.