Hurt feelings after Birthday

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sophiap11 :  have you told him that birthdays are important to you and you’d like him to do something for you? I don’t mean like hinting, or just expecting him to know this – i mean FLAT. OUT. TELLING. HIM. 

if you have, and he ignored it, then you have every right to feel hurt and I’d address this. If not, then while you might wish he did something special, it’s still unreasonable to have that expectation. Fact is, birthdays have vastly difference importance for people. I LOVE birthdays and feel like they’re super important – i like making people feel special on their birthday and like to feel that way on mine. But my husband, for instance, doesn’t think birthdays are special at all. Doesn’t faze him one bit. However, he MAKES our birthday celebrations special because he knows it’s importsnt to me. That’s because I’ve told him.

One thing you learn in marriage or relationships is that people aren’t mind readers. If you want something, you have to be able to clearly communicate that to your partner. It’s  not fair to just expect someone to figure out what you want. 

Post # 3
Member
1053 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

If it matters to you, you should talk to him about it.  It’s been a few weeks, and you’re still hurt, and men aren’t mind readers.  Make sure you’re in a place, mentally, where you can have a discussion without it turning into a fight and say something like:

I know it’s past, but I feel like I should tell you that I was hurt when my birthday came and there was nothing special to mark the occasion.  I’m glad that you were home, but I would have liked something in addition to that to make it feel like a celebration.  Can we agree that, in the future, we’ll celebrate birthdays with a cake or special meal out?

It’s not accusatory, it’s abotu making plans for the future, and it still gets your point across.

Post # 4
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Birthdays are important to me but they weren’t as important to my husband growing up. On my birthday last year he took his parents to the airport in the evening. I was so annoyed and would’ve made them catch a shuttle…

Good thing, we had our engagement party 6 days earlier and that was huge. Pretended that was my birthday party 😝. He did get me a wonderful suitcase set.

Post # 5
Member
6044 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

My Darling Husband and I had been married for at least ten years before something got to me one gift-giving occasion and I went off on him. And then we realized that I have been celebrating HIS birthday the way I would want mine celebrated (cake, dinner out, perhaps a special activity), and he has been celebrating MY birthday the way he would want his celebrated (no fanfare whatsoever, better if no one even knows). 

So perhaps he doesn’t realize that you want some sort of acknowledgement or special activity on your birthday. Sit down and talk with him and tell him what you need.

Post # 8
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

Huh. But isn’t it pretty normal that you’d think to get your significant other a birthday gift? Unless you have a tradition of letting gifts and holidays slide by, seems like this is something most people should know. It’s different if you’re broke . . . I hate celebrating my birthday. I just don’t give a fuck about celebrating the day on which I was born. So weird. Shouldn’t we be celebrating our parents for that?

Anyway. Just because I hate doing anything for mine, doesn’t mean I’m so closed-off and dense to not think that others typically like a gift on their day. Not even necessarily something big, just the thought behind it means the most.

I’m in the talk-to-him camp, but he is a bit of a lame-o for just not . . . remembering? Caring? Glossing over it? And you’ve already talked to him about it, so . . . that’s a fail on his part. Sounds like he was focused on his Memorial Day Weekend.

Post # 9
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

hungrymeow :  

I’ve always looked at birthdays as celebrating that you made it another year on the spinning rock. 

 

@sophiap11

Maybe he thought the casino was something big for your bday?

 

Post # 10
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

sophiap11 :  You’ve talked to him before but there is no change. You could talk to him again about it or accept that he’s never going to meet gift giving expectations! I would immediately stop gifting and acknowledging his birthday, holidays because making an effort when he makes none for yours only makes you *measure the difference* (as you did above) thus making you more resentful. I’m not faulting you at all,  I would be hurt/ resentful too!  

Post # 11
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I get where you are coming from. I love cards as they hold sentimental value to me. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a card out that I’ve received. When I first met my partner I told him that I could care less about gifts, but as long as you get me a card, I’ll be a happy lady. He always gets me both and at first he thought it was odd but having a card from someone is so personal and I love that I can go back and read them. Talk to your hubby, bee. I’m sure he will be accomodating and understand where you come from. 

Post # 12
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I left this advice on another post that but I’m saying it again: read the 5 love languages book. Both of you. My main love language is gifts and I would be hurt by this too. Talk to him about it and explain why. Gifts are probably not on his radar but if it is important to you then you need to share that with him.

Also you can visit the website and take the quiz, sign up for the emails and it’ll give you tasks to do to meet partner’s love language. http://www.5lovelanguages.com

Post # 13
Member
3386 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

sophiap11 :  my H is crap at this too. So now I just pick out what I want , tell him I want the money and go buy it. We don’t really do cards as they just end up in the bin. Like you I am quite independent so this is how we compromised. Just tall to him. 

Post # 14
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I don’t think you’re being petty or materialistic at all. It’s completely ok to expect to be remembered on your birthday. 

I agree that you should talk to your husband and tell that your feelings are hurt over this. Does he celebrate/expect anything on his birthday? How is he with showing that he loves and cares about you in general?

Post # 15
Member
1195 posts
Bumble bee

I feel like society has let us all know that birthday gifts and Christmas presents is a thing. Even if they didn’t do it in his childhood and he doesn’t like it, I think it’s a social norm that everyone knows. Love language or not.

You are not being materialistic or anything. Im not a big birthday person or a card person but I do expect my partner to acknowledge my birthday. We don’t do presents but about a week before our birthdays we ask if the other One wants to go to dinner etc. So talk to him again. Also ask him how it makes him feel when you do give him a gift. If he is indifferent then stop doing it.  Your feelings are valid.

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