(Closed) Hurt feelings, non-invites and ceremony only

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I guess I’m more prone to be understanding if a friend of mine had a small wedding of 50 people and I wasn’t invited.  50 people to me is just about family and perhaps BFF’s of the bride and groom.  I hurt people by not inviting to my wedding (that wasn’t necessarily a small wedding) but we needed to stop the invites somewhere to keep budget under control.  I know I hurt and offended them.  But, there’s NO WAY I would have just invited them to the ceremony and sent them on their merry way.  I’ve been on that end (as a guest) and it feels so 2nd class citizen.  

Post # 4
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It’s not always like this but I think people more often associate not being invited at all with it being a smaller family only wedding and being invited to the ceremony only being a money saving thing. I’d rather not be invited because I’m not family than be invited to a ceremony only because they don’t have enough money to feed everyone.

Post # 6
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@moneypenny02: I see your point… I guess it just makes the not so close friend feel bad they aren’t invited to the party.  It’s like when you were a kid in school and you only had 10 invites to your party… you still had a party with the class and handed out cupcakes but only the 10 friends got a special invite.  Are you still happy to get a cupcake?  of course!  Do you want to go to the exclusive party – of course!  It’s not about justifying the fact that everyone should be included or not – but it just emphasizes the lack of relationship…. which is then what that person remembers (being excluded from their close circle).  

I guess I just don’t see the point of inviting those fringe people at all.  I’d love to talk to bee’s that have been married 5+ years that did something like that (ceremony invite only) to find out if they even speak to those guests.  My guess would be no.

Post # 7
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

It is totally different if someone is not invited at all, but very rude to invite them to the ceremony and not invite them to the reception. At most weddings the actually ceremony is very short and over in less than 30 mins, it is at the reception that people really get to celebrate the wedding. How would you feel if you had to drive all the way to a 20 min wedding ceremony but were told you couldnt be part of the reception. 

 

Post # 8
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Also feel the same way the majority does. I probably wouldn’t end up going to the wedding if I got a ceremony-only invite. I know it’s probably not what the couple intends, but it feels like they’re saying you’re not as important and i don’t care much if you come to the celebration.

To me, it’s akin to a guest showing up for the reception but not the ceremony.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

not that im a rebel but im happy to attend the ceremony and give the reception a miss.  i dont drink booze, rarely dance and although im a social person i find the ceremony more interesting/joyful/important to me

ive often received invites and told the bride that i would love to attend the ceremony only if they didnt mind, especially as i understand the numbers game  – i still give a gift but thats just me

 

Post # 10
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I don’t understand the argument that the wedding is for and all about the couple.  If the wedding is for and all about the marrying couple, they should go to the courthouse or get married alone…then it really is about the couple.  A wedding is about celebrating WITH the bride and groom.  If your guests are celebrating with you, things should be done to allow them to be able to celebrate – otherwise they shouldn’t be invited because they are really not “guests” they are “attendees”…Not inviting someone to the reception, but to the wedding ceremony, if its on the same day is foul…my sister did this and she lost several “friends” in the process.  People became really confused and people who were originally invited to the reception ended up thinking they were not invited.

Post # 11
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

oh this reminds me of a wedding that was “first-reply, first-serve.” completely hearsay from a friend but what i heard was that a blanket invitation was sent out to potential guests and whoever RSVPed first would get a spot and if someone was too late to respond, they were told that no more seats were left. don’t know if this is 100% true, but can you imagine!  IMO, that is pretty brazen.

Post # 12
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

@moneypenny02: I see your point.  It’s kind of like, “Hey, isn’t getting an acknowledgement that I’d like you there, even if just for the ceremony,  better than saying don’t come at all?”

But I do think it’s different, especially since, if I got a ceremony invite only, I’d wonder, am I supposed to bring a gift?  It would feel that way (whether or not the bride and groom were trying to be gift grabby.)  Yet they aren’t willing/able to spend the money on me at the reception.  It would also feel like, they were acknowledging that they wanted us there, but just didn’t make the cut for the A-list, becausethey were having a real reception for those people.  Feels really exclusive.  And it’s something I think people get blindsided with, as they open their invitations.  Whereas if I didn’t get an invitation at all, (and I was in a position to expect one), I would probably have already received some kind of understanding from the bride that it was just going to be immediate family at the courthouse, etc.

Post # 14
Member
1440 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I personally enjoy the ceremony most out of the day.

A friend of mine recently got married, and the grooms parents were paying for the wedding. The venue they chose was very small, and 85% of it was the grooms guests. So, I didn’t get an invite. I was a little hurt, but I understood. I had planned to attend the ceremony (I asked the bride first, she said that would be wonderful). But I ended up being out of town that weekend.

 

I think you shouldn’t send a formal invite for the ceremony only, but there are people who would like to attend the ceremony. If you have people who understand the space restraints, I’d mention that if they wanted to attend the ceremony that would be lovely.

Post # 15
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Personally, I don’t like the ceremony only invite.  It’s like telling someone they can stay for dinner but not the movie.  I would just not invite them, and explain that it’s a small wedding.  Most people understand that. 

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’d rather not be invited at all then receive a ceremony only invite. My reasoning is I would understand if a couple couldn’t afford to feed everyone they knew and therefore had to limit the guest list, but I would be offended if it was so blatent in my face who was more important than me since I would inevitably see them at the ceremony heading over to the reception afterwards. And I’d also highly suspect they just watned a gift from me and that’s why I was invited to the ceremony.

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