Post # 1
Hi! I’m writing with a somewhat embarrassing “confession”— I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this issue because I’m worried that I’m blowing things out of proportion. Given this, I thought I’d turn to the advice of anonymous , compassionate strangers 🙂
I recently posted wedding photos on my facebook site. The outpouring of support from family and friends has been overwhelming and has helped to keep the “joy” of our wedding alive. The problem? One of my friends has literally commented on each of my bridesmaids and my sister’s photos independently (“so-and-so is gorgeous!”; “so –and-so looks like she could be a model”; etc.), but hasn’t said a thing about me. The strange thing is that with the exception of one bridesmaid, she doesn’t really know the others, whereas she’s been friends with me for many years. I should also mention that my feelings would *not* be hurt had she said nothing at all about the album (or even just complimented the bridesmaid she is friends with). It was more that she went to such great lengths to compliment everyone *except* for me.
What’s more, she broke up with her boyfriend recently, and I’ve tried to be her cheerleader and confidant in personal matters over the past several months—continually complimenting her, encouraging her, and providing support. I think this is partially what made the FB comments (or lack therof) so hurtful. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to be a good friend to her when I don’t feel the support and encouragement is reciprocated. I also don’t think that she is intentionally hurting me, and I’d be surprised if she realized that my feelings were hurt in the first place. However, I think the FB issue is in some ways a microcosm for a larger pattern in our friendship where she is quite generous with her remarks on how beautiful, talented (fill-in-the-blank) others are, while saying nothing about me. Again, I’d like to reiterate that I really don’t need constant compliments or reassurance—it’s more the complete imbalance that I perceive which is hurtful (both in terms of the imbalance between what I feel I give vs. receive, as well as the imbalance of what I feel she gives to others vs. me).
I’m wondering what others think? Am I blowing things out of proportion? Is there any advice you could offer in terms of what I should do? Let it go? Tell her my feelings are hurt? Try to more subtly let her know that I need her encouragement as much as she needs mine (e.g., reinforce when she does try to encourage me?). Any advice/input would be appreciated. I am at a loss – thank you!!
Post # 3
hmmmm……facebook and weddings bring out the crazies in people sometimes…..and a combination of both could be lethal.
don’t take it to heart. i can understand why you feel hurt. if your friendship is worth saving, then have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel. if, after this talk, she continues to behave in ways that are hurtful to you, then you don’t need to have her in your life.
usually, when people do or say hurtful things, it is just a reflection of how they are feeling about their ownselves. like you said, she just broke up with her boyfriend and you just got married. unfortunately, people don’t grow and mature at the same rate. she may be unconsciously hurting your feelings to try to make herself feel better.
whatever the case, communication in any relationship is key. talk, listen and understand. know that your life is yours to live the way you want to. if your relationship with her continues to produce negative feelings, then move on. there are lots of good people in this world who care about making other people feel good, and would be willing to contribute to your life in a positive and happy manner. stick with these people. your life will be more enriching and rewarding.
good luck. don’t worry and be happy!:-D
Post # 4
When I first started reading this, I thought you had a frenemy situation but if you really think that she isn’t doing this on purpose, then maybe she is just oblivious. My other thought was that maybe she feels so close to you that she doesn’t have to compliment you, kind of like she thinks you should already know that you looked great, etc. I would be a little hurt as well but I don’t think this is something worth bringing up. I find that a lot of times people–even our closest friends can be entirely clueless and unintentionally inconsiderate and there’s not much we can do about it. I would just let it go and maybe take a step back from the friendship to see if anything changes. If you really want to bring it up though, I would just say jokingly, “do you think I looked ok in my pictures? You were complimenting everyone but me…”. Good luck!
Post # 5
YEah I think she may just be pretty oblivious. I know when I look on some people’s albums I will only comment on a few pictures … not all of them and not about every person. I think you should just let it go, it doesn’t sound like she is intentionally doing it!
Post # 6
@ ladybuglove – thanks for your input. I really like your comment: “when people do or say hurtful things, it is just a reflection of how they are feeling about their ownselves.” It’s something I’ve been thinking about lately in this situation, and I think you’re right. Thank you for “validating” my hurt feelings
@ tippy – That’s a good point about our closest friends being unintentionally inconsiderate. It’s so hard for me to gague whether something like this (and the larger “pattern” really) *is* unintentional. I have the believe that it is, though… the idea that perhaps she doesn’t think she *needs* to compliment me has also crossed my mind. It’s true that she doesn’t *need* to, it would just be nice occasionally (like on my wedding day!) thank you for writing! I appreciate it
@ GaBGal – thanks! I completely agree with you about not commenting about every person or picture. In fact, I rarely comment on albums at all! I think it was more the pointed effort to comment upon how gorgeous everyone (or at least all the females) in the bridal party looked, *except* for me (the bride). I realize this probably sounds petty on my part, but it did hurt my feelings especially since she barely knows most of the other women. You’re right, though, that I probably should let it go.
Post # 7
Oh! Also, the idea that facebook & weddings bring out the crazies in people = sooo true. This made me LOL