Post # 1
Hi all –
My friend and I were BFFs in college – 12 years ago. We lived together in school, and then again after graduation…we moved to a nearby city for our first jobs in college through our 20’s. We had a special bond. Then she moved across the country. We initially kept in close contact, visiting each other, and keeping calls going… as close friends do. But then life changes of course. We both had alot of life events come up and communication started becoming more spaced apart. But when we would connect, it was like no time passed of course.
She moved back closer to me this past year and became engaged. When she told me, I was thrilled for her. And very excited for her upcoming nuptials. I later learned she was doing a destination wedding for “close friends and family”. I kinda assumed I was still in the “close friend” category. But I haven’t received any save-the-dates or invitations and it’s 2 months away. So I don’t think I’m invited?
I just feel a little crushed. I totally understand about wedding costs and needing to keep things to a minimum. But very sad I wouldn’t be invited to the shower or bachelorette party at least. (And very surprised she hasn’t said anything to me about not inviting me?) We always had a special relationship and I never thought I wouldn’t be a part of her wedding celebration in some way.
I won’t say anything to her now… I know weddings are stressful enough. But should I mention anything after the wedding? Or just let it go. I don’t know if this means she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Just kinda sad about it. 🙁
Post # 2
F1reFly: She may have had to make it family only. Don’t take it personally.
Post # 3
F1reFly: If you have had little contact until this last year when she moved back, I wouldn’t think you would meet the definition of close friend.
I would not bring up the subject. It’s hard enough managing guestlists, without fielding complaints and questions from those who are not invited.
It is also not good ettiquette to invite someone to a shower when they are not invited to the wedding.
Post # 4
F1reFly: There may be many reasons for this, having to do with cost or compromises that she needed to reach with her partner, all of which may have nothing to do with you at all. She would be in violation of the guidelines of good hospitality to invite you to any pre-wedding events or to extensively discuss the wedding in front of you if you are not invited, so I would not interpret those as her being cold toward you. Furthermore, it is considered rude to discuss a non invitation with someone, so I wouldn’t interpret that as coldness either. I also agree w/PP: you should not ask her about your invitation status.
How is she interacting with you otherwise? How will she continue to interact with you after the wedding? I think that in answering those questions you will come to an understanding of the state of your friendship.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
F1reFly: unfortunately, no one is owed an invitation. Ever.
You haven’t been particularly close for the past few years and since she’s keeping it small, let it go and be happy for her.
I might say it was a bit of a different story if there was 200 people coming, but a small intimate wedding of family and close friends I wouldn’t be concerned.
Post # 6
+1 Several cousins have asked to come to my vow renewal.
I am only the inviting the ones I am closest to and speak to on a fairly regular basis.
I want an intimate celebration.
Have an honest conversation with your friend. Use “I” messages and gently communicate your hurt feelings.
Post # 7
Thanks for the responses. I don’t think I felt “owed” an invitation. I just feel sad, that’s all, because I care about her and we were so close for so long and I was looking forward to celebrating with her. We used to talk about what we were going to do for each others weddings. Only recently did we start communicating less. When she moved back to the coast this past year, we tried to coordinate visiting each other a few times.. but couldn’t make our schedules work. She’s still about 5 hours away.
I’m not “judging” her as a bad person either of course. I’m not mad. I understand cost issues completely and/or just wanting to keep it small. And as I stated above, I wasn’t going to ask about it at all prior to the wedding. Wasn’t sure if we should talk after.
Just feel hurt… I needed to get it out, and post it somewhere, so I came here. LOL
And as tears are starting to well, I realize… I just miss her, I miss our friendship the way it used to be. So sad that we’ve grown apart. OK… I uncovered the issue… I think that’s what this is really about.
Sorry… thanks for listening/reading.
Post # 8
F1reFly: I think I’d be hurt too. I kinda want to know who you learned about the wedding from? Her or someone else cause I think it’s pretty rude to talk about your wedding with people who aren’t invited. But then agin if she didn’t tell you about it and you haven’t talked in so long it dosn’t seem like you’d be invited to her tiny Destination Wedding. Sorry, it sucks. You could call her up and have a chat, not about the wedding, but to catch up if you want to have a friendship with her.
Post # 9
Atalanta: I learned about the wedding straight from her. She called me when she got engaged and we talked for awhile. Then I checked back in with her I guess 2-3 months later to see how the planning was going and what she was deciding to do. We were playing phone tag at that point, and resorted to email. It was then she let me know they were doing a small destination wedding with “family and close friends.” Even though she and I weren’t talking as frequently…. guess I just still thought I was in the “close friend” category.
Post # 10
If you miss her friendship, then perhaps after things settle down a bit, it might be worth trying to renew the relationship. It can be a lot of work to keep up a friendship over decades, but it’s usually worth it.
Post # 11
F1reFly: My BFF of 20 years (and we talk 2-3 times a week still) had a family only wedding. I was a little hurt, but I understood. She is still my BFF. It was more important for me to have her in my life than let this decision get in the way.
Be the bigger person and find out where she is registered and give her a gift. Write her a heartfelt note saying how much her friendship means to you (give examples of some fun times, or when she was there for you) and you wish her nothing but love and hapiness.
Post # 12
I didn’t get invitated to a (local) wedding of someone who I considered a very close friend… honestly it really hurt me and I distanced myself from the friendship a lot. The worst part was that I asked “why am I not invited?” and they had no solid answer.
Post # 13
KoiKove: Understood. I understand why you were hurt. I wouldn’t have been as hurt if it was only family… but the fact that she said “family and close friends” just stung… cuz I thought we still were close friends. But such is life… friends grow apart.
Great idea on the gift – I already had it picked out anyway.
Post # 14
Horseradish: I would love to do that… but feeling like maybe it’s not reciprocated now? I don’t know..
Post # 15
F1reFly: honestly if you and your friend have grown apart, then SOMEONE has to be the first one to try to renew the friendship. Maybe she doesn’t know how to do that or maybe she’s embarrassed. Who knows. I do know that the worst time to try to rekindle with an old friend is during/at your wedding, so don’t hold that against her. Invite her out. Meet at some city halfway between the two of you. Spend some time together. It takes work. Maybe you never grow back together and that’s okay— life gets in the way, and all– you’d be out some gas money and the price of a dinner, maybe a hotel, which in the grand scheme of things is not very much. Maybe the two of you find a way to make each other a priority.
You won’t know till you try.
if you’re not willing to at least try, then why should she?