Hurt my sister didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid

posted 1 year ago in Parties
Post # 16
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Even though she’s not required to ask, I emphatized and would feel hurt too if my sister (5.5 years younger) didn’t ask me. I also think it’s super rude of them to discuss how it sucks to be a person short in front of you! I’d speak up!

Post # 17
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee

sunburn :  I agree with this. Like, sure, you’re the bride…but you should still consider how your actions (or lack there of) will make certain people feel. Especially a SISTER! If there has been no egregious behavior, like you said, I really can’t imagine a reason to not include your sister in your own wedding—besides the fact that you simply don’t value your relationship with her. 

 

Im in the “you get ONE day” camp as far as weddings go, so I think brides should be mindful of how their decisions for their one day of glory may impact meaningful relationships indefinitely afterwards…

 

OP, I understand why you’re hurt. I feel like any person viewing this objectively would understand. I’m sorry that your relationship with your sister is so one-sided. It sounds truly hurtful 🙁 and it is EXTREMELY disrespectful for your mom and sister to be discussing this in front of you. I hope she’s not expecting you to fund any part of her bridal experience (shower, bachelorette party, etc). You will be a guest, so make sure you emphasize that when she comes to you for help.

Post # 18
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

No one is obligated to put you in their wedding for any reason. It doesn’t matter if you are her only sister, she didn’t want you in it. Thinking you deserve to be in it is selfish on your part. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. 

Post # 19
Member
6789 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

I totally understand and sympatize with why OP is hurt. Something like this is bound to sting and your sister and mother were pretty thoughtless in complaining about all of this in front of you.

HOWEVER, she’s not required to have you in her bridal party. It sucks but she obviously doesn’t feel particularly close to you. 6 years can be a pretty significant age gap. 

Post # 20
Member
3905 posts
Honey bee

azf0019 :  “Im in the “you get ONE day” camp as far as weddings go, so I think brides should be mindful of how their decisions for their one day of glory may impact meaningful relationships indefinitely afterwards…”

Exactly my thoughts.

I really don’t understand the mindset that the OP is being selfish and making it all about her by feeling badly that she wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid. If I were the mother in this situation, I’d certainly voice my opinion, among other things. 

@mrswiggles “Thinking you deserve to be in it is selfish on your part. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. “

Actually I think that is exactly what she means.

Post # 21
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Is she planning to ask you to be involved another way? Eg witness, since she was your witness?

My witness isn’t also one of my BMs, because I wanted to find a different role for lots of people. Plus she has small kids so hanging out with me on the morning of the wedding isn’t really practical for her, much as I’d like her to be there.

Post # 22
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

sunburn :  Why? I didn’t ask one of my best friends. I still love her. I didn’t ask my SIL, does that mean I don’t love her? No, it means I just didn’t want them in the wedding. I wanted who I wanted for my reasons. The bride is allowed to have who she wants, not who thinks they should be in the wedding. 

OP is pretty much stomping her foot saying “why didn’t you pick meeeeeee?!”. 

Post # 23
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I definitely plan on having my older sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor, because she’s my only sibling and she is important to me. 

We have had to have difficult conversations regarding our “friendship” now that we are both adults. We fought a lot when we were kids and when she was an “adult” (used in quotes but it will make more sense later) she had no interest in my life because I was still a “child.” When I was about college aged she suddenly wanted to be BFFs because now I’m an adult and we can relate. I’m almost 30 now and she’s my sister and I would never let anything bad happen to her, but we aren’t friends. We are family. I’ve seen sisters that are friends and we don’t have that relationship. 

Maybe you could talk to your sister and see what her reasoning is for not including you in her bridal party? It could lead to a meaningful discussion about how you all view your relationship and how you can strengthen it moving forward. 

Post # 24
Member
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I can understand why you’re hurt. I’d be prett hurt too if my sister excluded me from her bridal party. Around here, unless there has been some serious falling out between sisters or she’s too young, it’s a given that she is your Maid/Matron of Honor. 

I might understand here side though. What was your relationship like as children? Were you more of a “little mom” that watched out for her instead of an equal playmate? Maybe she feels you’ll cramp her style with her friends or that you’ll be uncomforable with everyone and not able to relate. Just a thought.

I hope you can talk with her and work it out. 🙂 

Post # 25
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

MrsWiggles :  I’m sorry i must be missing something , can you explain to me how OP is throwing a temper Tantrum? I think she was very sincere and just expressing that she is just overall upset but is still happy for her baby sister getting married..  

Bee I’m sorry you are upset and sister didn’t want to include you!!! 

Post # 26
Member
2014 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

vikingbride89 :  How is she not? She’s acting like just because they are related she should be in the wedding. 

Post # 27
Member
3905 posts
Honey bee

MrsWiggles :   if you don’t agree, that’s fine. Everyone has a point of view and I’m not the type to say mine is the absolute right one. For me, it is, but people vary.

Post # 28
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I don’t get where folks are getting that the OP is being selfish or throwing a tantrum… she said that her feelings were hurt, which is a valid reaction to being snubbed like that.

I get that it’s not necessarily a rule to automatically make sisters bridesmaids, but it’s a very strong convention, so I can understand being blindsided and hurt when OP wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid.  That doesn’t make her selfish, that just made her disappointed and hurt when it didn’t actually happen (because convention says it’s very likely).

OP needs to approach her sister and have a frank conversation and ask her if anything is wrong between them and be honest about how her feelings were hurt by being snubbed.

It could be that the sister didn’t think it was a big deal/that OP wouldn’t be interested – I inadvertently hurt my little sister’s feelings when I didn’t ask her to make a speech/toast.  The reason I didn’t ask is because I HATE public speaking and it terrifies me and fills me with dread and me asking someone to do this is like me asking that person to jump into a pit of spiders and you just don’t ask your dear sister to jump into a pit of spiders for you.  Even though I know my sister loves speaking, couldn’t shake the feeling that asking anyone to speak was placing a giant burden on them.  My other sister called and said little sister’s feelings were super hurt so we talked and made it right – we both came to understand where the other is coming from.

OP, just talk to her and ask her what’s up and let her know how you feel.

Post # 29
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I’d just let it lie. I’m so sorry you’re hurt.  I was hurt as well when neither of my sisters made me Maid/Matron of Honor.  I made them each Maid/Matron of Honor once (twice married).  I’m the oldest, maybe I’m no fun.  My middle sister picked my youngest sister and my youngest sister picked her oldest friend.  I was still in both weddings though!  

It might be worth asking if she was just keeping it to single friends?  At least so you understand her “vision”.

Post # 30
Member
3217 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think it’s perfectly valid that your feelings are hurt, OP. But try to take a step back and think of it from a bit less of a personal perspective. It was certainly inconsiderate of her to discuss it in front of you, especially bitchinf about being a girl short when you were literally right there… But unless there is a history of her being a genuine ass hole, I’d be inclined to chalk it up to just not thinking on her part. I’m sure she didn’t mean to hurt you. 

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