(Closed) Hurt. (re: religious issue with FI)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Sorry you are going through this! I don’t know if I’ll be much help since I am not religious but maybe you should take a step back for a second since you are really emotional right now.  Then talk to your Fiance again. Ask him why he’s so adamant about not wanting the priest there. Maybe there is a bigger problem like he feels the priest is making his beliefs seem less valid? Also, make sure you stress how important this is to you. Give him all the reasons but try not to get too emotional. Trying to deal with a problem when youre emotional like that sometimes makes it worse. Hopefully after talking it out with eachother you can come to a decision that you are both happy with! Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MissTaken: LOL I know how that can be! I am an emotional wreck even when it’s not that time 🙂 If his only reason is he just doesn’t feel a need then I feel like he is being stubborn and uncompromising. Since it is so important to you I think he should recognize that and be excited to help you incorporate something that is an important part of how you were raised in the ceremony 🙂

Post # 6
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

First of all, many, many weddings combine different cultures and religions nowadays. Ours was a secular ceremony with a few God references thrown in to appease his family and a pagan handfasting to seal the deal. A lot of brides and grooms are able to combine Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, atheist/agnostic, Pagan/Wiccan, etc. so I don’t see how having a Catholic priest is all that different.

I really think that you need to step back and take a breath. You are obviously very upset about this. Then, you need to gather your arguments. Maybe even write out a list of all the reasons why this is so important to you. You should approach this from a calm and rational place, even though it is a very personal and emotional issue. Make it clear to him that it is important to you that you have a blessing from the Catholic church, because that is the faith you were raised in. Also make sure he realizes that you are not talking about having the Catholic priest marry you, only add in an extra blessing.

I think you also need to explain to him how he is making you feel. You need to tell him that his blatant refusal to consider something that is so important to you is very hurtful and disrespectful and that he is making you feel belittled.

Post # 7
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I echo the take a step back.  I think you’re not able to have a rational conversation at the moment and you’re blowing this up bigger (to “does he really want to marry me”) than necessary without trying hard to see his perspective.  I see that it is something important to you and he should respect that, but I can also see where he’s coming from: another officiant adds to the expensive, you’ve agreed to worship at a church together…but now you’re saying it’s not enough, it’s not his religious leader so it’s a blessing that he doesn’t support/believe in that he’s asked to participate in.  I’m not saying that your feelings aren’t valid, just that you need to calm down before you approach it again.  Take a deep breath and shelve it for now.  Maybe have him meet the officiant beforehand so he gets to know him.

Post # 8
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with the other posters, re: trying to see his perspective. “No reason to have one” doesn’t make sense to me, and I might try to dig deeper and get a sense of why he really doesn’t want one. Does he believe his beliefs are being undermined? Have you done most of the planning for the wedding, and this is one thing he feels like is “his”? Might it be a blow to his family, who isn’t specifically Catholic? Is he worried about time constraints? You absolutely have the right to feel the way you do–no questions there. I would just add that trying to understand where he’s coming from might help him see where you’re coming from.

Post # 10
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@MissTaken: You might want to use the phrase:

I feel like . . .

and not:

You make me feel . . .

Good luck, I know how you feel.

Post # 11
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I guess he doesn’t care that you won’t be able to take communion anymore..and your marriage wont’ be recognized by your church. I agree you need to let things cool off. Go talk to your priest and see what he suggests and approach this again with a better outlook and with a calm mood. Does he support you in practicing your faith and attending mass? Will he be okay with you taking your kids to mass? These are all pretty big issues you guys need to discuss before getting married.

My Fiance is not Catholic and I am. We are having a Catholic cermemony because my Fiance is not particularly religious and just wants me to be happy….at teh same time he is in agreement with me practicing my faith while he practices his in his own way. If I were in your predicament…I suppose it would depend if I was actually practicing my faith or if it was merely because i’m  a cradle catholic. It would still be important to me to have my churche’s blessing…so I suppose I would come to a compromise of some sort. Get married in a non-catholic ceremony and then have a blessing later on. would be another option.

Seriously…talk to your priest, he will have very helpful suggestions.

Post # 12
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

It seems as though this is an issue of family versus religion.

You have stopped subscribing to Caholicim and currently attend Presbyterian . For you the real reason is because of your past and your family’s wishes. For him , it is very much a theological issue. It’s important to look at both perspectives.

I would respect my husbands beliefs over my families .Faith is one of those big ticket, deal breaker issues.I think it would be different if you were also a Practicing Catholic but it appears as though you are not.

Post # 13
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Maybe he is looking at it in terms of you as a couple. You have stressed that you are no longer a practicing catholic and you have found your new church together. He could be thinking that allowing the Catholic priest would not be a representation of the both of you. Religion is so important to discuss, especially if there are differences that might make things difficult later on. I agree with PPs to take a step back but I encourage the conversation. 

Post # 14
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MissTaken: I think the list is good, and creativeplannertobee’s advice is also good (start with “I feel like”). About your comment that he may have a deep seated fear that you two have different beliefs–I can definitely see how that might make him freak out about what should be something small and not that big of a concession. I kinda wonder if that fear is being extended out to other things that SHOULDN’T be a problem–like wondering if you two are essentially different (which obviously, you aren’t). But it would be good to address and reassure him that you aren’t that different, that two people who love each other and are meant to be together can still have different viewpoints on the same issue, and that it’s literally about your family and your upbringing, and NOT that you two have essentially different beliefs or values.

Post # 15
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

This is a very tough subject, and I’m sorry that you are feeling this way.  I understand what you are going through and know it is not easy.  I can actually identify with your Fiance some.  My Fiance is Catholic as is his entire family.  My family is not Catholic – my grandmother is a pastor of a large non-denomintaional church.  Before we got engaged, I let my Fiance know that I couldn’t get married in the Catholic church for reasons he understands.  He asked if we could have a priest attend and bless our ceremony.  I consented because I love him, even though it makes me very uncomfortable.  However, his priest informed him that he would not do it under any circumstances since we are not getting married in the Catholic church.  He also made sure to tell my Fiance that he can never take communion again because he is marrying someone who isn’t Catholic, which made me feel unwelcome at his church.  That was very tough for my Fiance for a couple of days and was the cause of many tough discussions.  We are proceeding with our ceremony as planned – it will be officiated by my grandmother.  We are going to go to a different Catholic church the day before our wedding to attend service together.  I don’t want to ignore his faith. Ultimately, this makes the most sense for our family, and we are both happy with our ceremony.  Hopefully, you and your Fiance figure out what works best for you.  Maybe after you step back and bring it up with him again, you both will figure out a solution that works for you.  I hope you end up finding a happy solution for both of you.  I know this is tough.

Post # 16
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I completely understand.  I didn’t read the other posts so please forgive me if what I’m going to say was already suggested! My Fiance and I went through a very similar thing.  He was raised Catholic and I was raised Muslim.  I REALLY wanted to get married by an Imam, but he wanted a secular ceremony, not a religous one.  He also felt like having an Imam would make his family feel ignored and left out (also they would be judgmental about it but he didn’t want to say that!).  We decided a friend would marry us at the actual wedding and we would have the religious ceremony at the rehearsal dinner, where his family could choose to attend or not.  What if instead of having a Catholic priest at the wedding you set up a time at the rehearsal dinner or after the wedding as a special celebration for just the two of you? I know it’s not exactly what you want but it might be a nice compromise? It also might ease your family’s feelings about it if they have any.  I know my mom was bummed when she heard we weren’t having an Imam, but she said it was fine as long as we have the religious ceremony at some point!  I hope that helps, and that you feel better!   

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