(Closed) Hurtful comments made by mother

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My mother is like that.  I’ve even told her, “Mom, if I had low self-esteem that would hurt.”  I usually roll my eyes and let it go because I am certainly not my own worst critic, my mother is LOL.  I think it’s a cultural (older generation) thing with women.  Just let it roll off your back. =)

Post # 4
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center

I would have a talk with her. She probably doesn’t realize that by being so brutally honest (though I don’t think you look big in any way! You are beautiful just the way you are!), that she’s actually hurting your feelings. I know my mother sometimes thinks that she needs to be the one to point out things becuase I should hear them from her and not someone else, and that the way she says it is really hurtful. I finally had to tell her that while I appreciate her looking out for me, you just can’t say things like that. I think she caught on.

Post # 7
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I always like, “Well, *that* was rude,” delivered in a factual, almost curious tone, as if you’re discovering something about THEM that you hadn’t expected. It makes people very self-conscious very quickly.

Post # 8
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My mom is so mean that we don’t even speak. My FH refuses to be left alone with her. It’s THAT bad. So yeah, I know how much it stings and I’m sorry you have to have that!

Post # 10
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh man my mom is like that.  She’s like that with herself, too.  I always thought she was the prettiest woman in the world (of course I did, she’s my mother), but she would harp on how fat she was.  It made me really self-conscious about my own weight, even when I was a stringbean.  When I started putting on weight, she definitely pointed it out…and then shoved a plate of pasta at me.  Italian mothers!

I think in her case, she’s trying to make sure I don’t make her “mistakes.”  But honestly, I just get depressed and eat more because I figure I’m already fat, I might as well enjoy it and feel better.  When I told her that she makes me want to eat more every time she calls me fat, she stopped.  Not sure why, but at least it worked!

Post # 11
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@OrchidsandCandles: Sooo, that was really uncalled for of your mom to say. BUT, I’ve seen full-body pictures of you that you’ve posted on here. Your body is PERFECT. I dream about having a figure like yours, even at your “heavier” weight that you’re not happy with. You’re beautiful, and I hope you know that. My mom makes little comments like that about me too (but I’m actually plus sized) and it stings, but I think some moms feel like they can say those things because they’re our moms, even though it’s really not nice for anyone to say those things. I’m sorry it hurt your feelings, but try not to let it get you down about yourself ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@OrchidsandCandles: Ouch! I’m so sorry. Consider talking with her about it. While deep down she may be concerned for your welfare, she can find a kinder way to say it than calling you, or parts of you, names. There’s a difference between “honest” and “rude.” What she perceives as honesty is instead considered rude by you. Saying face = football is rude.  Therefore, her comments are counterproductive. Perhaps by approaching it all in this methodical light will resonate for her and support your case to her. If it doesn’t, send her a football on her birthday each year until she stops “helping” you. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I remember my mom saying I might consider plastic surgery one day because my nose has a bump in it. It’s from my father’s side of the family and she said that she had hoped I wouldn’t inherit that feature, but I had. While I appreciate her flippin’ honesty, at the time I was mortified because I was a teenager already dealing with plenty of appearance issues. Uh, thanks mom…?

How’d I get past it? I just learned to embrace that part of who I am. It really isn’t that pronounced and well, I wouldn’t be “me” otherwise. My husband loves my nose and kisses it often, which helps. ๐Ÿ™‚ I don’t feel it is worth talking about it with her now since her comment was made years ago. She is set in her ways and would probably conveniently say she never said that or something! I’m fine having moved away from the topic on my own and now use it to illustrate how moms are ridiculous sometimes. Hang in there. P.S. You are BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!

Post # 13
387 posts
Helper bee

@OrchidsandCandles:  You’re beautiful, and it doesn’t matter as long as you are happy!  If you feel like you would like to get healthier (I say HEALTHIER not SKINNIER), then I say go for it!  You said yourself that you had some problems with eating, so try eating healthier!  Trust me, I jsut made a whole batch of cookies… basically for myself haha.  Granted, I’ll eat one or two a day until they’re gone, but still. Don’t pay attention to hurtful words!

Post # 14
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@OrchidsandCandles: I saw the pictures you posted recently and you are no where close to being overweight. I saw the pic of you at 120 lbs and I thought you were too thin. At 130 you looked great and you still look great now. I just think being fleshy/ curvy is really sexy and womanly. I recently gained some weight; I went from a size 6 to size 8 and EVERY time I see someone I have not seen in a while they say how great I look. Having a little fat in all the right places can be a good thing. Love your body, embrace it and do what makes you happy. Sometimes our moms can be a little too harsh.

Post # 16
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

My mom used to say hurtful things about my appearance and I honestly don’t think she realized how hurtful they sounded or how much they hurt me. She came from an abusive childhood and I know her dad said horrible things to her on a daily (or near daily) basis. So, I think part of it may be related to that. One day I sat down and talked with her about how it made me feel. I waited until we were having a good day and she hadn’t said anyhting mean or was in a bad mood. At first she was all “What?” and when I pointed out certain thinsg she had said adn when, we had a good heart to heart. Part of it was that she wants me to be happy, and after I gained a bunch of weight several years ago she knew how much it bothered me. We talked about helpful ways she can say things to me. Also, I genuinely believe my mom didn’t know how often she was saying things or how much they hurt – so she asked me to stop her when she does them. 

I saw pictures you posted recently of yourself and you are gorgeous! I totally understand being concerned about your weight though – I cosntantly am. When I weighed 100-120lb I thought I was fat. When I got up to 130lb, I thought I was just horribly huge and disgusting. Now I weigh mcuh more than that… and I just want to hug my old self!

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